An Oreo in Trouble

Quick Asshole Update

2010-12-16T11:51:00.004-05:00

So Eggo is turning out to be my biggest mistake since Nick the Dick...

I've deleted the comment he sent but in so many words he says he was forced into our relationship, called me crazy several times (which he knows is one of my pet peeves, due to the BPD), told me that all I ever did was mother him and tell him what to do (and that he hated it), and that I was never a good friend to him (apparently that honor goes to the two guys he bitched about non-stop). Oh, and he also said that I shouldn't have told him that I enjoyed sex with him (and bragged about it to friends) if I really didn't. Oh, and also that I practically begged him to get back with me (yeah, THAT happened...idiot).

Hmmm...rather than tackle these issues individually (like I really, REALLY want to), I'm simply going to say that I never claimed to be perfect in the relationship. I have many, many faults and living with someone in close quarters brings them out. So, yes, I did things in the relationship that weren't too cool. It's fine. I've acknowledged that (several times in fact), have come to terms with it, and forgiven myself.

Feel better now, Eggo? Does it make you feel better that I acknowledge my faults? Like I fucking care, you goddamn loser. What did I tell you? Engrave this in your shitty memory: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME. So stop contacting me with your opinions and conjectures. I've blocked you from every source possible and yet you still find a way to talk to me. Obsessed much? I doubt it so cut this shit out. If I was nothing but annoying to you it should be easy for you.

I could spend this entire blog talking about your shortcomings but I won't, even though the immature teenager inside of me is egging me on. This blog is about me not you. It's about the things you did to me and how I felt about them. It's about my reaction to the things you did to hurt my feelings. If you need to absolve yourself of any guilt by putting the blame solely on me, have at it. I couldn't care less. I choose not to do that. I know my shortcomings and I don't put the blame on others or make excuses for them. I am who I am and I love that about me. And that's why I'm a fully self functioning grownup and not a whiny child who doesn't take care of their own responsibilities and who relies on blaming others to put themselves in the right.

You obviously still care (at least a little) because you keep coming back here. How about you just stay away from now on and continue living that sad little existence you call a life? (Dammit, that immature teenager is coming out!)

In short, do us both a favor and fade from my existence. Feel free to talk all the shit you want. Degrade me, put me down, and make up whatever lies you want*. I'll be over here, living a wonderful life and not giving you a second fucking thought.

To my Pajibans and other friends, this will be the last post ever about Eggo. I was going to delete him from my blog as easily as I'll do from my life, but I'll need this reminder for the next time. I should actually LISTEN TO MY FRIENDS when they give me advice and that I shouldn't 'force' someone to date me. Ha! That shit was the funniest part! Forced...like I would actually have to do that. I'm a pretty (but kind of flawed) hot chick with mental issues! Hell, I'm surprised they aren't beating my door down! Hahahaha...

Ciao for now, my lovelies! Maybe my next blog will be the adventures I've been having with Miss (not so) Blonde Savant! Ooooh, do we have stories to tell!

*Bear in mind that I work for a law firm so I have connections to those well versed in slander and harassment so watch your fucking step, fuckmunch. Your best bet? Just fucking forget about me.

Staying Classy

2010-11-29T15:46:00.002-05:00

Now that I'm 30, I've been trying to act more like an adult instead of a ragey, angsty teenager.

Fuck that.

I know how to behave in certain situations (thanks to 6 years of etiquette school). Plus, I'm a Southern girl so the niceness and polite ways go straight to the bone. But when a situation pops up that completely blindsides me, I tend to revert to that potty mouth virago that I loved and cherished in my early to mid 20s. I loved that girl! She was silly, smart, funny, crazy, and above all, she always spoke her mind. People knew EXACTLY where they stood with her, whether they were offended or not. I've managed to continue keeping people in the know about my feelings but I've learned to be less offensive.

Not anymore.

I'm going to be offensive, classless, tasteless, and evil. I need to prepare you so that there won't be any surprises as you read (and I know you eventually will). This post is for me to air out my grievances and to work on forgetting the awful things I've endured. It is also to let my friends know what is going on with me. They genuinely care about me so I can tell them these things. If you are offended or feel bad about anything that is said, just know that you will never be as hurt as what you've done to me. You don't deserve my graciousness or mercy. So suck it up and take your medicine.

Eggo is a lying, deceitful piece of shit. He tried to booty call me (after never seeming to want to have sex with me when we were together) and when I shut him down, he came up with a cock-and-bullshit story about 'testing' me. To make sure I was over him and to make sure I would remain faithful to the new guy I was dating. So either he thinks I'm an idiot and a whore (to fall for the idiotic story) or he thinks that he, a 23-year-old homeless loser with zero prospects (not even a high school diploma), should be telling me how to act and live my life. I don't know which one is worse.

The bullshit first story calls to the fact that I was humiliated during our relationship because I had a boyfriend who didn't want me sexually. I fell for his bullshit lies of being too depressed or too tired to have sex. All the time Deistbrawler and Tracer Bullet were telling me that he was full of shit, I ignored them and stood by my man. No more. To top it off? The sex? Wasn't so great. Zero foreplay and after a few minutes it was over. The actual good parts were completely overshadowed by the fact that I got the sex so infrequently.

The second bullshit option is to consider that he actually planned out this stupid ploy. "Hmmmm...let's see if Trouble will fall for me booty calling her. If she goes for it, then she's clearly not over me nor will she be faithful to dating other people." Really, asshole? REALLY?!?! Because that right there is the most moronic fucking thing I've ever heard. You got shut the fuck down and THIS is how you try to recover? Even if it is true, did you really think that this would endear me to you somehow? How could your tiny brain even think up this idiotic plan and think that it would be okay? I know that you aren't very smart and that you're clearly an idiot, but this? Even a retarded 3 year old would see the idiocies in this moronic plan. And to tell me that you did this on purpose and I should be grateful was what catapulted you into complete thunderdouche category.

And did I mention the timing? You just happened to do this shit right after I had a date. You even called and asked me about it so that you knew it went well. You even asked if I'd had sex with him (which was weird and NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS) Jealous much, you fuckmunch?

No matter why you did it, no matter what asinine reason you'll puke out to justify it, that shit was fucked up and wrong. I didn't deserve it. What I deserved was to be treated like a human being, not a whore or a pawn in your stupid mind games. I have been nothing but nice to you. I've continued to help you in the wake of our break up and I've bent over backwards to keep our friendship going. That shit is now over. I'm done with you. I'm writing you off as I've never done anyone before. You've insulted me in every way possible and I have no use for you ever again. As a Christian, I was taught to forgive and forget. One day, I will forgive you but I will never forget how I felt when your true nature came out. I felt tricked and betrayed. We will never be friends again. Ever...

I won't say that I hope you die because even I'm not that cruel and evil. It will be as though you never existed. After I'm over this I will no longer speak of you. You will be erased from my mind as a person forever. So I hope this shit you pulled was worth it. You've just lost the best friend you've ever had.

You never deserved me anyway, you sad, pathetic piece of shit...

Never, Ever Do This...

2010-10-05T09:47:00.003-04:00

Break up with someone via text. It cold. It's evil. And it's inconsiderate.

It doesn't matter that I had excellent reasons to break it off with Eggo. I should have been brave enough to talk it out with him. Telling him via text was cowardly and I'm pretty sure his feelings are hurt. He didn't deserve that and I'm so sorry for it.

My apology out of the way, I'll tell you why I broke it off:

I was alone.

How could I be alone when we lived together and saw each other everyday? Simple. Eggo focused on himself, as well he should. He had a lot of issues to sort out and needed to get them solved. Plus, he worked overnight and slept during the day (badly), which left him groggy and out of it by the time I finally made it home. If he was awake, he watched TV. Sometimes he cooked or did laundry, but whatever he was doing it was mostly for himself. He did walk and feed the dog, though. That can't be discounted. As his girlfriend, I made his problems my problems. Oh no! He needed a place to sleep during the day that wasn't his car. Come stay with me! Don't worry about paying me anything. Just get settled. Uh oh, he needs help finding a job. No problem! I know everybody! He usually helps with food, but he's out of money. Gotcha! I can handle it this week. It got to the point where I was constantly worried about how he was feeling and how he was doing. I wanted to make sure that he was happier than he had been. And he was. At least he told me so.

So I expected to be treated the same. I wanted him to do his best to make my life a little easier. Quid pro quo. And what happened? He started out doing okay but then I started being taken for granted and chastised when I asked for things.

"Could you please walk the dog? I'm a bit tired"
"He doesn't need to go out."
"Yes, he does. That's why he keeps going to the door."
"I'm not going right now. He can wait."

"Hey, could you clean up a bit in the bathroom? The sink is looking really dirty."
"I don't know how to clean."

"Oh, could you wash the dishes tonight instead of waiting until the morning?"
"They'll be fine. Plus, you do it all the time. Why shouldn't I?"

*sigh* These are small, nagging, nitpicky things. Not really a huge deal to me unless I was really tired or PMSing. But they did start to add up. I was getting more and more annoyed that he wasn't trying harder to make my life a bit easier. I was ALREADY paying all the bills. Didn't I deserve a bit more consideration? Apparently not. In short, he was worrying about him and I was worrying about us.

But all of that I could have overlooked as the salt and sugar of a relationship. What really did it for me was how I was feeling. I felt like nothing special. Eggo didn't treat me badly. He was (and still is) a great and very nice guy. He is a great friend and that's exactly how I felt. Like a good friend or roommate. I didn't feel like I was in a loving relationship. I felt like a someone who happened to have a good friend living with them.

I hate to compare men to dogs, but when I walked through the door, Bentley was instantly animated. "Hi, mommy! I missed you! I'm so glad you're here! Come play with me!" That was the best part of my day. Being loved and appreciated just for walking in the door.

I never got that from Eggo. He was tired, remember? He'd worked all night and slept badly during the day. Why would he be bothered to show me some appreciation when he could be sleeping? Or watching TV while lying on the bed. Or playing XBox. Why bother to show me any affection when I should clearly just KNOW how he feels? He tells me he loves me every time I say it first. Why should he have to constantly show it too? That's when I decided to take care of myself and start worrying about my issues instead of focusing in his.

Was that incredibly selfish? Maybe, but I was tired of feeling miserable and insecure. Should I have tried to talk to him about it? *slap forehead* Of course! Why didn't I try that?

Except I did. Numerous times, in fact. And every time I was brushed off or ignored because I was either putting him down or asking too much of him (his words). Or he would just shut down completely and either not listen or he would play the victim. Or he was too tired to talk right now. It was never his fault. I started to get tired of the fucking excuses.

And you know what else? I need sex and physical affection often. Like everyday. Maybe not sex everyday but I like hugs and kisses and hand holding and cuddling and being told that I'm beautiful and special. It helps to confirm that I'm loved and desired. That you find me attractive and appealing. It doesn't even take a lot of effort and these are things that I need, not things that I want.

And so it came down to either continuing to be miserable (and yes, I'd reached the miserable point) or just ending it. I went the selfish route and ended it. Granted, I used a weak catalyst. (He went somewhere without telling me.) But since I'd wanted to break it off for a couple of weeks, that was as good a time as any. I sent a text and threw his stuff in a pile in the front room. Was that cold, bitchy, and unnecessary? Yes, but I did it. No going back now.

Since then, we've only exchanged a few texts. His were angry texts, as they should be. I started out being angry as well, but I really wasn't so I mellowed out a bit. He has every right to be upset. I broke it off and then tossed his stuff out. That wasn't cool at all. I should have attempted to talk to him again. Would it have worked? Probably not, but he was blindsided with what I did.

So here I am trying to see if we can still be friends and he is trying not to be upset or hurt. I'm sitting alone in my house, still missing him a bit but feeling so much better about myself. I'm doubting everything I've done except the fact that it was the right thing to do for myself.

Pajibans! You are completely awesome! I've gotten nothing but amazing support via text, IM, email, phone calls, and Skype. I love you all with that weird love. You know what I'm talkin' about...

And so I'm back to being single again. Hopefully I'll shut the fuck up with the single girl complaints or y'all might want to punch me in the neck.

A Little Ball Of Hate

2010-09-13T14:38:00.002-04:00

That's exactly what I am. Except I'm not so little anymore...

My 30th birthday was a hit, but immediately on its heels was a full blown depressive slide. And to make matters worse, I'm not turning my feelings inward. Oh no. I'm exploding with rage toward anything that happens to be in my path; behaving like a surly teenager. And I'm fully aware that I may be irrational or unreasonable but my crazy brain will NOT allow me to act like a normal decent person. The normal Trouble is stuck in there somewhere, watching in horror, as my crazy bipolar counterpart attempts to destroy everything in its path. I'm trapped beneath this broken system of overstimulated emotional synapses and chemical imbalances. I fully expect to emerge from this slide without several friends, without a job (the one that I actually like), my dog will probably start to shun me, and Eggo will be gone (he is in no way equipped to handle me right now as I just keep harping on him in every way imaginable). I'm cringing just imagining half of the things that have happened or are going to happen. I just want to lock myself away for a week or so to keep from hurting myself and everyone around me. Alas, the bills need to be paid so I'm thrust out into the world, an emotional behemoth, and everyone will have to just duck, cover, and hope for the best.

So to my FB cronies, I apologize in advance for being an emo bitch. And to my RL friends, please bear with me. I'm hoping the meds will kick in soon (a week?). And please God (PLEASE GOD), let Eggo stick around! He doesn't deserve half of the crap I've heaped on him and he deserves NONE of the crap that maybe to come.

As much as I loathe myself in this state, I was actually getting very happy in the life I was living. Yes, there was the occasional bit of unpleasantness but I was coasting through pretty well. Now, I just want to bury myself in my bed and never come up for air. The death and suicide dreams are back whenever the insomnia allows me to sleep. My motivation for any and everything is gone. *sigh* Here's hoping this one will be brief.

***Written by the prisoner Trouble in a brief flash of normalcy during the day

Terrorist

2010-08-25T09:04:00.002-04:00

Once again, Facebook has decided to deny me access to my account. *sigh* Last time, they said I had hateful rhetoric (it turns out someone tattled because I used a few too many 'fucks'). After a few days of review, I got it back. No big deal.

Now I absolutely have no access due to some faulty bullshit that has nothing to do with me or what I write. Also, I don't know when I'll be able to access it again.

Stupid technology.

So, I've been silenced. And due to my extreme laziness, I'm not going to create a new account until I just can't take it anymore. In the meantime, have extra fun for me and spread the word. I still love you guys but FB hates me. Myspace, anyone? Nah...

Changes

2010-08-17T08:35:00.003-04:00

Random things. Here we go:

The boob is fine. Whew! Apparently, my boob tissue was just a bit built up and the caffeine was making it weird. I'm fine and the lump is slowly going away now that I've stopped drinking Cafe Bustelo (oh how I miss you...).
I've had to discover a kinder, more gentle Trouble. That self centered bitchy thing that I've been rocking for the past few years? Not conducive to a healthy relationship, apparently. Now I have to be considerate and actually think about the things that come out of my mouth before I say them. Yeah, it's a process. Eggo is being remarkably patient but I know I frustrate the hell out of him. And I hurt his feelings sometimes (completely unintentional), so I'm trying to do better.
Eggo is pretty much living with me now, so that means the cooking, cleaning, clothes and everything else has been doubled. For awhile I was doing it all. Oh no no no. That shit was NOT going to fly with me working two jobs. Eggo finally started jumping in and he even came up with a few ways to make it better and more efficient. Teamwork, bitches, is a marvelous thing. Now if I could only get him to clean up his fucking food and dishes RIGHT AFTER HE USES THEM instead of leaving it out for hours (I know you're reading this and I know that there is a glass sitting next to you on the table. PUT IT IN THE DISHWASHER, PUNK!). Ahem...
I discovered why I stopped going to my parents' church. Those judgemental harpies cannot keep their supposedly holy pieholes shut. They did nothing but talk trash the entire day I spent with them. Now I'm no saint. I'm a sinner, everyday. Do I try to represent Christ all the time? Nope. Should I? Probably, yes. But at least I'm not a hypocrite. Nor am I two faced. I know that the second I walked away from a conversation, those old bitches could not keep my name out of their mouths. Actually, that's not true since those cows couldn't even remember my name (even though I grew up with them). Whatever. Also, I'm a failure to them. Why? Because I'm almost 30 and I'm not married and I don't have kids. I'm actually really proud of that. I chose to get an education and travel instead. That mean nothing to them because it's beyond their comprehension. As I was talking about the places I've been, one twat (this was the same bitch who said that black women belong with black men so she was clearly not intelligent) actually said, "You think that being as old as you are and without a husband or kids is something to be proud of? It's not!" When I recovered from the shock of her ridiculous statement, I let her have it. Being that these hens were so gossipy, I knew that she'd been a married man's mistress and dropped out of college. Once she was pregnant by him, she forced him into a divorce and married him herself, but not before he sent her to the hospital with a few bruises. Yeah...she's the one I should be taking life advice from. Did I mention that she was my adopted sister? I had no problem with telling EXACTLY what I knew about her and that I thought the way I decided to live my life was far better than the situation she was in. Jealous hag. Whatever.
I actually spent the entire weekend with the family and the main thing I heard was how much weight I'd gained. Not a congrats on holding down so many jobs to attend school or pride in the fact that I'm rocking a 4.0 or how awesome it is starting up the after school ballroom program. Nope! Just that it's a shame that I let myself get so big. *sigh* Luckily, I'd already ascertained this and I've started a slightly vigorous training session. Six days a week, I wake up at 5 am to run a mile and a half and swim 10 laps. I'll increase as I go. Plus, once the ballroom program starts that will add on to my cardio and strength training 5 days a week. I'm hoping to drop 40 pounds by January, but since I'm pretty happy with my body and I just want to get in shape, I won't kill myself if I don't.
Eggo has been great. We still bicker and there are fights but lately I've been noticing him making changes or trying harder to make me happy. Which then makes me want to do the same thing. This whole thing has been doubly difficult for us because we started living together so soon and we're both REALLY stubborn and set in our ways. This is taking time. A lot of time but at no point do I ever think about giving up and just being done with it. I either just decide to suck it up or to make a change on my end. Usually, he will listen and try to adjust accordingly, but when he doesn't I just deal with it. Why? Because I love him. And he loves me, even though it's really hard for him to show it sometimes, I don't doubt it when he tells me that. It's pretty awesome, y'all. And the sex? Still SO good. Be jealous...
Work is work and it pays the bills. There have been a lot of drastic changes plus added responsibilities but no raises or extra pay. Stupid economy. But this job not only allows me to go to school and work in the after school dance program but they also give me kick ass benefits. So, even though I'll bitch and moan sometimes, I'm gonna stick around for a while. It's could be so much worse...
I'll be 30 in less than a month. God help me. There are so many things I'd thought I'd have accomplished by now, but I confess to being waylaid by impulsive decisions at times. No real regrets, though. I've had an amazing decade filled with all the fun things a fabulous girl in her 20s could dream of: traveling all over the world, school, fun, booze, gorgeous men, fantastic friends, and lots of craziness that can only be excused by youth. Every gal should be so lucky! I'm hoping that my 30s will be a continuation of all of that, but with a lot of wisdom thrown in there. Here's to my last few weeks of my 20s! I rocked this decade!

That's all for now, mein liebchens. More later...

Yeah...

2010-08-05T08:18:00.004-04:00

I should have taken today off. Here are the things that are running through my mind right now:

I've got the ultrasound today. Yes, I'm freaking out just a bit even though I'll probably be fine. Also, I wasn't allowed to put on perfume, lotion, or deodorant today so I'm worried that I'm stinky. No hugs today.
I'm freakin' starving but I didn't bring lunch because I overslept BIG TIME. (I blame it on this amazing dream I was having. Mmmmm...)
I'm worried that I have some intolerant friends. They are INSISTING that a mosque not be built near the WTC site. I don't see the problem. They are saying that because the people who destroyed the towers are Muslims, Muslims shouldn't be allowed to build anything there. (I had this same discussion with Eggo's brother.) That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard but I was willing to hear them out. They didn't say anything that changed my mind. And the worst part? One of these people is my best friend, Sinner. I can't believe that she's like that. It sickens me a bit. I mean, I still love her but I'm completely blown away by her ridiculous intolerant stance.
I'm worried about Eggo. He's coming up on a few difficult decisions that he has to make on his own. I REALLY want to help but he needs to sink or swim. Plus, he's really resenting his family for trying to run his life, so I'm trying (TRYING) not to do that.
I feel like I losing my grip on things. Times, dates, and other daily fixtures in my life are just flying by without my recognition of them. Maybe it's because I have so much to get done now or that being an adult is more difficult than I ever anticipated. I don't know.
I'll be 30 in a month. This milestone doesn't scare me but I am a little anxious about the upcoming changes I KNOW I'll have to adjust to. What will be different? Will I lose all sense of who I was and the things I fought for in my 20s? What the hell DID I fight for? Do I now have to become a normal functioning adult? I DEFINITELY don't think I want to do that.
Money. I'm slowly going broke. There are many reasons why but the fact remains that I'm about to be in very dire straits. One serious illness or emergency could completely bankrupt me. I'm balancing on a very thin wire even now. Not exactly how I saw my 30s beginning.

All of this and much more is buzzing around in my head. I may possibly be going insane but hopefully it's just another phase and I'll be out of it soon.

Blathering over...

Bail Money

2010-08-03T08:40:00.003-04:00

Please have some ready because I'm positive that I will kill someone today.

I walk into work 15 minutes early and I'm immediately accosted by 17 different things. I set my bags down and start getting things sorted. Right away, my boss lady comes to have a "little chat" with me.

BL: Yesterday an expert called and asked for the number to (former employee)'s new job and you told him you could give him any information.

T: Actually, I told him that I didn't have any information. I only have the name of his new job.

BL: But you also have the number.

T: No, I don't. When I asked you for the contact information yesterday, you said that you didn't have it either.

BL: No, you specifically asked for the DID number. And I don't have that.

T: I don't even know what a DID number is, so I DID NOT ask you for that. I asked for ANY contact info since I receive all of the requests.

BL: Why didn't you use the number (employee) emailed to you?

T: Because (employee) never emailed me a number. THAT'S why I asked you for info.

BL: NO! You asked for DID numbers...

Really, lady?! That's how you want to come at me first thing in the morning BEFORE I've clocked in? Fine. Don't be surprised when I'm less than chipper doing a job that you're claiming I dropped the ball on, when it was you who failed to provide me with the tools I need. (I didn't ask her for DID numbers, btw. I asked several people for any new forwarding number before I went to her and they've agreed to back me up.)

Next up: I burned my asiago, turkey and Swiss bagel sandwich. Totally my fault but three people sat in the lounge WATCHING IT BURN and did nothing. And then they sat there and complained about the smell. Seriously, geniuses?!?!

And finally, this angry bitter little anti-social man whom no one likes started on my case this morning about his fucking coffee. I don't make coffee for employees. I'm not a fucking secretary. But I do set up the conference rooms for guests. Out of the kindness of my heart, I set them up a bit early so that he can get some of the coffee that I make. And what does this shithead do? He comes in, takes the coffee away from the maker (and creating a huge mess that I have to clean up), and then complains that the carafe isn't working. YES, MOTHERFUCKER IT IS. IT'S A GODDAMN STRAW SO YOU'LL HAVE TO PUMP IT A FEW TIMES TO GET THE COFFEE UP IT. Of course the second I go to test it, it works fine. What a goddamn moron.

Only a half hour into my day and I'm already fed up. When you see my on the news because I've burned down this building with everyone in it, send me brownies, cookies, cakes, etc. Because that shit is awesome in prison.

This is especially awful because yesterday was so great. After a normal stressful Monday, I went home to a sparkling clean tub, a happy and well fed puppy, and a great dinner. Eggo has been nothing but great. Too bad my work life is shitty today...

Heavily Medicated

2010-07-30T13:52:00.002-04:00

Actually, I'm sedated.

Why? Because at my doctor appointment today, she found a lump in my right boob. A big one. I freaked out and had to be calmed down with meds (imagine a wild hippo being tranq'ed).

Mammogram and ultrasound next week.

If you read this, please pray to whatever God you subscribe to that it's benign and that I'll be okay. Just as a precaution, although I'm probably being a bit melodramatic (as I am wont to do).

Off The Market

2010-07-06T10:44:00.004-04:00

So I have a boyfriend.

Yeah...

And it promises to be one of the difficult relationships I will ever have. We are NOTHING alike and we fight constantly. We are from completely different backgrounds and we are both beyond stubborn. We irritate and frustrate each other and there are times where I really think I'm going to kill him. DO YOU HEAR ME?!? I WILL KILL YOU!!! (Yes, he reads this blog.)

So why am I with him? Because he makes me laugh like a 5 year old. He's sweet, kind, considerate, and chivalrous. He thinks of me before he thinks of himself. He demands as much of me as I do of him. He calls me on my bullshit ALL THE TIME. He's unpredictable and unnervingly observant when it comes to how I'm feeling. He has a sweet smile and an innocent heart. He's adorable and surprisingly smart. He thinks I'm beautiful. And also, he's fucking amazing in bed.

So here is to my new boyfriend, Eggo (named by Val). May our fights be in jest and my rage stay at bay so I don't kill you. Also, may the sex stay spectacular! (Yes, I'm still worn out from yesterday...)

Coward

2010-06-28T08:28:00.004-04:00

I'm a fearful person. I'm always afraid of something or other. When I was younger, I was a bit more fearless. I was the first to volunteer or to jump into something unknown. Alas, now my reckless youth has scarred me. I'm too afraid to jump into something sight unseen. Instead I ruminate for a while before making what I think is an informed decision. Which is my idea of being a responsible adult. Yeah, it sounds boring. And it is. But it's kept me from being completely shattered on numerous occasions.

Then I have my rebellious periods where I just go for things. I follow a gut instinct and take off. Has this gotten me in trouble? Yes, both physically and emotionally. But I'm almost always glad I did it. It makes me feel like that reckless kid again before I conditioned myself to be an adult. The risks, people. It's the risks that make me feel normal again and not some adult clone. When I realized this, I decided to take a few more risks.

Well, this is a backfired one.

This weekend I took a HUGE emotional risk. It was the emotional equivalent of sky diving. What happened? My parachute didn't open and I hit the ground at full speed. I didn't die but I'm in so much pain that I'm almost praying for death. Yeah, it was that bad.

Rejection is a tough thing for me to take. Surprised that an entertainer is still sucker punched by rejection? Me too! I thought that I'd trained myself to deal with it. With auditions and interviews, it is rarely anything personal. It's usually that I'm not the type or my skills don't jibe with what they're looking for. No big deal to me. I can accept that and move on. A personal rejection is a horse of a different color. I take it badly, very badly. Right now I feel worthless and like a complete fool. Apparently, I'm not good enough or because I don't hold certain beliefs or...

Whatever. I could go on all day with the self deprecating thoughts. That fact is I'm hurt. Really hurt. The kind of hurt that keeps you from sleeping and manifests itself into physical pain. Will I get over it? Yes. Can I learn to let it go and not blame the person who caused it? Yes, eventually. But what I need to do is take a friends' advice and worry about me first. Forget about assuaging anyone's guilt or staying quiet to prevent more hurt feelings. Fuck it. I'm in pain. And it's your fault. Don't give me the bullshit that it wasn't rejection. When you say 'no', no matter what the reason, it's rejection. Look it up. Yes, you have your reasons and they're valid but it still hurts. It will be awhile before things go back to normal. Prepare for a long wait.

That's all.

Needy, Bitchy, Hormonal, and Moody

2010-06-21T12:31:00.003-04:00

And I can't blame it on BPD (even though I REALLY want to!)...

*Boys: This might get squicky! There will be talk of girly stuff. And by that, I mean periods. You've been warned...

You know what really sucks? Being kind of a medical freak. I have a host of crazy things going on in this awesome body of mine. You already know about the BPD. Up next: Crohn's disease! Yup! I contracted that from being anorexic/bulimic for too long in college (stupid dance professors!). I'm in remission, but everyone in a while I get flare ups. Not. Fun. Next? That would be being legally blind in one eye. Hmmm...what else? Oh yeah! I have the worst lady parts stuff. My period comes on every 21 days. Without fail. Unless I go crazy with the meds (frequently) and then it comes on whenever it damn well pleases. For example: This weekend after only two weeks of reprieve. And EVERY GODDAMN TIME it hurts so bad, I'd strangle a boyscout to get some Demoral to KILL THE PAIN (seriously, I have to go to the ER for a shot sometimes). Also, massive flow (sorry boys! I did warn you...) to the point where I feel like I should be sitting in a menstrual pit. It's gross, even for me.

I've listed these things to say that the human body is completely fucked up and yet still kinda awesome. I can go through this shit and my heart continues to beat. My lungs continue to take in and expel air. My mind continues to function and think up insult for the random passerby who offends me with their fashion sense or their horrible BO. I've also listed them so that I can no longer use them as excuses. I'm really bad at using random medical maladies as excuses for my awful behavior. Of course there are some things that are legitimately caused by these but not nearly as many as I blame.

I said all that to say this:

I spent the entire weekend with Mohawk at my condo this weekend. We did nothing but eat, watch, TV, stay in bed, bicker, and fight. Usually, I love this kind of thing. But I apparently have a mean and hurtful streak that kept zinging him the whole weekend. Ooops. My first reaction was to blame my period but then I'd forgotten to tell him that it came on (I'm pretty sure he suspected though since I didn't jump him for sex the whole two days). So I just blamed it on my own frustrations. But I kept doing it! Little zingers that I know hurt his feelings (btw, he did it to me a couple of times too). So now I feel awful. I always thought that I wouldn't hurt anyone that I actually cared about. I really wish I could blame it on something that isn't in my control, like the medical stuff. The fact remains that I hurt his feelings for no reason. I'm a schmuck.

So I'm sorry, Mohawk. I didn't mean to be so snarky. I'm sure you're completely over it, but I feel like stir fried shit.

**I am NOT sorry about what happened with the colander! It sucks that you got burned but next time PUT THE DAMN THING DOWN when I tell you to! And don't tell me to pour hot water correctly. Who the fuck holds a colander when someone else is pouring in it? Really...

This Is What Happens...

2010-06-11T12:45:00.002-04:00

...when I get REALLY bored at work.

I started re-designing and now EVERYTHING is purple! Don't like it? What the fuck do I care?

THIS IS MY HOUSE, BITCHEZ!!!

Sorry about that. I'm super bored...

Rambling On...

2010-06-09T08:23:00.005-04:00

Yes, I can be an asshole sometimes. Sorry, Mohawk!

I did something that I really regret. I lied and Mohawk was a tiny bit hurt in the process. And now I feel like stir fried shit for hurting him even a little. He's teasing me to make me feel worse (as a joke) but it's actually working. It makes me wonder a bit. What exactly are my feelings for him? I've been pretty content with where we are but I think I may have been projecting certain significant other duties on him. I'm sure it stems from the fact that we've been sleeping together for about 6 months now. Is that too long to carry on a FWB deal? I've casually dated other guys (and I think he's dating too; or at least interested in dating other girls) but I do find myself comparing and contrasting these dates to him. Hmmm...interesting thoughts. I may need to ruminate a bit further.

Guess what?! Mohawk has a blog now! It's called Regret Nothing. Feel free to read, follow, and mock him. No over the top teasing, though. That's my job.

So the date last night? It went well. JT was actually sweet, but very timid and soft spoken. I had to keep telling him to speak up! He was a bit boring and kind of rambling. But the food was groovy and I had a good time over all. To be honest, it wasn't a date. It was more like two new friends meeting up for the first time. So I've got a new friend now. Sweet...

Oh, and that whole 100 questions thing was supposedly a joke of some sort. He tried to explain it to me but I didn't get it. Meh blah whatever...

I hit my 200 post mark a couple of posts ago! Hooray! I need to step up on the posting. I've had this blog for almost two years now...

I'm sure I'll think of more to say later...

Manic

2010-06-08T10:27:00.002-04:00

The meds are finally settling in after a few out-of-control days. And the stupid thing? I didn't cut out the caffeine, so I've been exhibiting actual manic traits. Example: Hooking up with a hot guy at work. Literally, at work in the parking garage. He's a friend and we get on very well but that was risky and stupid. Also, I dragged cute delivery guy in the stairwell to make out (not on the same day). Add in the glass throwing, the insomnia, the practically kicking my friends out, and the random FB chat sex (sort of) and you have a classic case of manic behavior. My hypomanic states are apparently severely affected by caffeine, so that may be an addiction I'll need to learn to control.

Luckily, I feel a bit more normal today and I can actually get things done. Like organising finances and cleaning the house. Also, Bentley hasn't suffered a bit from all the extra energy I've had lately. He's all over the place with the extra love and attention. In fact, I've been wearing him out! Poor thing...

The online dating thing? It's...going. I have another date tonight. It should be interesting seeing as how this guy is bit...well, let's just say interesting. He is the complete opposite of the type of guy I usually attract and am interested in getting to know. And thanks to a couple of Pajibans (Lwae and Peanuts), I've discovered that he may, in fact, be a douche. I guess I'm blind to douche like behavior when I'm trying to keep an open mind. But what gave me pause was when this guy asked me to come up with 100 questions to ask him. He would be doing the same. WTF? When I asked why, he says that it will be something like an interview. Yeah, that sounds fun. This is his way of filtering out the bullshit and making sure I'm not lying or anything. Yeeeeeah...

Needless to say, I'm not really looking forward to it. But it will be nice to meet someone new and to shake off a few inhibitions today. Plus, it could be a really great story to tell. So, I'll try to be more enthusiastic.

What I really want to do? Go home, cook something awesome, curl up with Bentley and Mohawk* and watch a movie. Sad, but true...

I'll let you guys know what happens...

* Yes, Mohawk is still just a friend but sometimes I like having him around. It sucks that he lives far away now. Before, I used to call him and he'd be over in 10 minutes. Plus, he always eats what I cook even when I think it sucks and he's always down to watch a movie...

Why I'm A Bitch

2010-06-04T09:44:00.002-04:00

*sigh*

Back at the beginning of March, I went to Bike Week in Daytona with a very good friend of mine named Goose*. I also got to meet the amazing Stardust from Pajiba on that trip. We had a blast! Rocking out to some excellent bands, people watching (holy crap, that was the best part!), and drinking.

One of the bands, Hypersona, was particularly good and we stayed and listened and danced a bit longer. I noticed the roadie/merch guy was staring at Goose. When I alerted her to him, she glanced over at him. He beckoned her over...and that was how they got together.

Of course I was sceptical at first but he turned out to be sweet and very into her. I thought he just wanted to get in her pants and wouldn't call her after that first night but he turned out to be a pretty decent guy. She fell for him pretty quickly and he reciprocated. It all sounds so nice and sweet, right?

Not quite.

As it turns out, he was a bit of a loser. He's 36, unemployed (except for a few random gigs with the band and pick up work at a mechanic friends' shop), he doesn't have a car (or even a license!), and he was being kicked out of his friends' parents' house where he'd been living for free. Yeah, this is the guy she fell for. When she told me that the only place he had to go was his friends' garage (the mechanic garage, not a house garage), I offered my tiny little condo (the front room) rent free for a month so they could pull some money together.

Now Goose is a GREAT friend. If she told me the sky was purple, I'd believe her. That's the only reason I offered. If she trusted this guy then I would too. He wasn't stranger to me. And I firmly stated that it would ONLY be a month, no longer. I did have a few weird rules (no using the only bathroom, located in my room, after 10 pm), but he was fine with it.

And so a month went by. I actually enjoyed having them there (she stayed often). They cooked, bought food, brought movies over, cleaned, etc. It was crowded but okay. Mohawk came up on weekends and then it was REALLY crowded, but we all soldiered through.

Toward the end of the month, I started to get a bit concerned. I hadn't seen him trying to get a job. He and Goose were constantly having big blow ups. Somehow, he kept buying 6 and 12-packs of beer and drinking it in one or two nights and just lounging around (although he was apparently working at his friends' garage during the day). He was there when I left and there when I got home. It bothered me because I could never just relax at my house but since his time was almost up I let it go. I decided to get a puppy! But I wanted to wait until they were out of the house. They'd found a place and were waiting until the previous people moved out. Awesome. I made plans to pick up Bentley (the new puppy) the day they were out of there.

The day before the puppy pick-up, they let me know that the people who were supposed to be moving out were dragging their feet. Um...okay. I didn't want to be a bitch so I told them that they could stay a few extra days but that Bentley was coming anyway.

The day after I got my puppy, the awful news came that the place had fallen through. They now had no place to move into but they reassured me that they were on the lookout for a new place ASAP. I tried to be okay with this but I was fed up at this point. I'd already agreed to let them stay a bit longer, so what could I do? At this point, their stuff has completely taken over. Then they bought a futon (they were tired of sleeping on the floor) and that took up the entire space of the front room. Thinking that they would only be here for a few more days, I agreed to this too.

Then a combination of my period and a rise hit me. I became super bitch and I barely tolerated anything. The only thing that escaped my scorn was Bentley, who is so awesome and fun. I warned Goose that things were going to get rocky and unpleasant since I'd never had to deal with an overcrowded house and a new puppy to train along with everything else. She claimed to understand. Until my rage made me completely unable to stand him being there. I just stopped talking to him completely because I absolutely could not talk to him without being an utter cunt. So I just ignored him completely, said nothing, and basically made him feel like shit for being in my house. I couldn't help it. Every time I saw his ass just sitting there drinking beer and watching TV, I just got more and more pissed off. 'Why aren't you looking for more work besides the garage?', "Why are you content with letting your girlfriend pay for everything for you?', 'Why are you spending what little money you make on beer?', "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE?'

Finally I couldn't take it any longer (it had only been a week). I asked Goose when she thought they would be able to get a new place. She gave me the sob story of not having enough for a deposit on any place until she started work next week and got paid. I told her that I didn't think I could let them stay that long. I was getting to the point where I was completely uncomfortable in my house and I did not like that. She got the hint and said that they would be out the next day. But this was a guilt trip and it worked. I felt like such a bitch for doing this. For the first time in quite a while, I'm putting my own (and Bentleys') needs in front of someone else. It's a good thing for me but it makes me feel awful for doing it. Granted, these are grown people (he's 36 and she's 38) and I shouldn't feel responsible for them. But I do, just a bit.

So that (along with many other reasons!) is why I'm a bitch. I just kicked my friends' boyfriend (and her) out of my house. For no other reason than the fact that I wanted my own space back. It may sound like a normal thing to do, but I feel awful for essentially making them homeless.

On the other hand, Bentley will be THRILLED to have more space all to himself...

* We call her Goose because she has a distinctive honking laugh. It's really hilarious. In fact I didn't even know her real name for years...

Shock and Pain

2010-05-13T15:46:00.002-04:00

I saw a ghost from my past today. I swore it was him. I just knew it. He had the same smile, the same hair, the same height, even the same silly walk. I glimpsed him out of the corner of my eye and my entire body responded. I felt my heart speed up. My legs cramped with the desire to jump up and run over to him and shout "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?! I FUCKING MISSED YOU!!!!" I even felt the tears well up in my eyes because it's been over five years and the sight of him still causes me to react. I stood up and straining my eyes, my heart, and my mind, praying that it really was him. Please God. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...

It was a stranger.

As he got closer, he had a harsh dissonant laugh and a conceited arrogant air. He didn't even have the accent that would have flowed from his mouth so smooth and familiar, but foreign. He was just another yuppie douchebag that I see everyday downtown. But for a few fleeting seconds, he was Michael.

It's been five years. Five years and I thought I was over this phase of wishing that it was all the worst nightmare imaginable. Nope. I'm holding on to my childish game of 'Just Pretend'.

Time heals all wounds? Bullshit. It just calcifies your heart until there is nothing left to heal. I'm not making any sense, I know.

Just know this: The pain never goes away. Never.

BIG Steps

2010-05-03T08:43:00.002-04:00

Today I am actually making HUGE steps toward moving out west. I'm contacting an employment agency. Granted, it's the same agency that found my current law firm gig. Yeah...

I'm absolutely positive that I don't want to stay on as an assistant/receptionist/office drone any longer, but since it seems to be something I'm actually good at doing, I can use it to get my start out there. I'm going out there with a LOT fewer connections than I have here in Orlando, so (for now) anything will be good. Plus, it will give me to time to explore and find out what I want to do with my life in general.

I've also started researching schools and their programs out there. I'm thinking that I don't want to teach in the school systems out there (since Cali is more bankrupt than Florida at this point), but maybe teaching at the community college level or finding another after school program to instruct would work better for me.

Possibilities, possibilities...

Yes, I could have the exact same opportunities here (definitely more so!), but as I'm about to hit my 30s (four months!) I realize that I do want to try a different city and I do want to see if I can make it elsewhere. I'm not 100% sold on the idea but it is very appealing right now. Bonus: since my family lives here, I can always come back if needed.

The thing is I have to at least give this a shot. I have to at least TRY to give this an honest shot. If things don't work out, if nothing seems to be pointing me in the direction of San Diego, if it seems wrong and not a good fit for me, then I can always halt the plans and proceedings. Or if I've gone too far, I can always come back to Orlando. I just don't want to get to the point where I will loathe coming back here.

Keep in mind: this isn't a fresh start. It's just a new chapter. As I've said in previous posts, I'm not completely unhappy with my life here. Actually, I have a pretty good life here. I just want to try something new and I think this could work for me.

Wish me prayers, good thought, happy vibes (or whatever your bag may be)! I'm going to give it a shot...

A Bit Of Advice

2010-04-29T08:37:00.003-04:00

I need to quit the telemarketing dance gig. How do I do it?

Here is some background:

I started working for this ballroom company back in 2007. It was a lot of fun but ultimately doomed for me since I was supposed to sell, sell, sell and all I really wanted to do was to dance and teach. In any event, the manager was pretty great (although she could be a passive aggressive bitch sometimes) and I left on good terms. A couple of years later, I was asked to come back to teach ballroom to kids in schools. I happily agreed and LOVED IT (still do!). Then, when the studio hired a new marketing director, they needed someone to make the marketing calls that she drummed up. They asked me and I agreed. But I guess I didn't read the fine print. At first I just called back the people who had inquired about the dance school. That only lasted a week. What they really wanted me to do was make cold calls. Cold calls are where I call up random people from the phone book and try to get them to come in and take dance classes. Yeah...no. On the first day, I was hung up on, cursed out, and I called someone who had only one leg. Not fun. This really is not my thing, no matter how much they pay me (about $200/wk for 15 hours of work).

Today, I have a final so I was able to get out of working, but it is my intent to NEVER go back. How can I extricate myself from this job (right away) without ruining my relationship with the owners? I would like to keep teaching kids, but I don't really want to do much work in the studio. Should I try to find someone to take my place? Should I keep giving excuses? Or should I just tell them the truth: that I really don't think that the job is for me?

Any advice?

Life As I Know It

2010-04-28T09:34:00.003-04:00

...is a bit miserable. And it's not because of a slide.

When I came back from San Diego, I chalked it up to the vacation blues. Or to jet lag. Or to the finals that I hadn't really studied for thinking that I would get exemptions (not realizing that there are NO exemptions for grad school). So I tamped down on it and continued on with my life.

But now I've been back for several days and the feeling hasn't waned, not even a little bit. In fact, it's gotten a bit worse. I feel so completely and utterly miserable that I dread waking up in the morning. My life has become one long, boring mockery of what I used to have nightmares about. How is it that I'm really good at things I care NOTHING about? And these things, these jobs, have become the way I make a living! I'm a receptionist/gopher at a law firm and a telemarketer for a dance studio. These two jobs give me lots of money and absolutely nothing else, except boredom and misery. THIS is how I'm going to spend my life? Trudging through my days and wishing for something, anything else? Trying to convince myself that this is enough? I even had the thought (briefly) that if I had a boyfriend, things would be different! AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

The problem is this: I've glimpsed outside my sad little box. When I went to San Diego, I saw what could be a better life for myself. I dreamed of possibilities and of ways to enrich and fulfill my life. I felt...hope. Real hope for the first time in what seemed like ages. I had dreams, visions, and I could see myself in the future. And it was good...

Then I came back to my tofu life here. Don't get me wrong; there are so many lovely bright spots in my life. The problem is that they are few and far between. My daily life consists of so much crap that it's becoming unbearable. But how dare I complain? I actually have jobs. I'm able to pay my bills and I'm not wanting for anything! I feel ungrateful for wanting more out of life. Especially when I have so many friends who are just looking for anything to get their bills paid.

Conflicted is the word du jour. Shall I stay in my sad little depressing (yet comfortable) box and learn to deal with the despair or should I take a risk and try to find some actual happiness (not comfortable at all)? This may seem like an easy choice for some of you, but I'm actually struggling with it. I've made many (MANY) risky choices in my life and a lot of them have backfired horribly. So I'm trying to decide if this dull life can be tolerated or if I'm ready to take another risk.

*sigh*

Vacation Blues

2010-04-26T09:21:00.003-04:00

I'm back from San Diego. And not too happy about it...

Did I have an amazing time with Boo? YES! She was an excellent host, took me to a ton of fun places, and introduced me to very cool people. I'm halfway in love with San Diego now. Could I live there? Absolutely. It has everything I want: excellent weather, beautiful views, mountains, ocean, theme parks, nice people, cultural diversity, and they are EXTREMELY dog friendly. You can take your pup EVERYWHERE. So awesome. Plus, the food and drinks were amazing and everyone was so laid back. There was no frenetic craziness on the roads, in restaurants, or anywhere. People had a much slower pace over there. It was so great for my vacation.

Here's the big question: Do I want to live there now? Yeah, I somehow don't think so. Don't get me wrong; I would move there in a heartbeat. But I have so much unsettled stuff going on in Orlando. I would need to get it wrapped up before considering a move that drastic. The main thing would be trying to figure out what the hell I want to do in life. I really don't think I want to move to a fabulous place and do the same old crap that I'm doing now. Yes, teaching dance to kids would be amazing, but I don't have the connections out there that I do here (let it be known that all dance teaching gigs are gotten through connections!). There has to be a way and I will find it, but for now I'll settle for Orlando.

A few other issues would be school, family, friends, etc. School can be transferred. Due to my excellent grades (which in turn is due to my insomnia), I would probably get into any school out there. My family would stay here, of course, and I would have to be 3000 miles way from my momma, daddy, nieces and nephews (brothers and sisters, meh). AND I would be really far away from Krypto and the Monkey, Sinner, and Lil Bit (although Lil Bit may move out there again). THAT would be really tough on me since I rely on these people for so much. I wouldn't have the support to which I've become so accustomed. Out there I would have Boo and her kick ass momma, Lyon. Would that be enough? Keep in mind: I'm a needy bitch (shut UP, DB!). How much more meds would I need to take? Where would I live? Oh God, would I need a roommate? (I'm not the best person to live with, people. I'm awful...) How would I make friends? How much money would I need to make in order to live comfortably? (And by comfortably, I mean with shopping trips and decent dinners included. I'm SPOILED.)

So many questions and not nearly enough answers make it difficult for me to commit to a move out there. Maybe in a few months or a couple of years, I'll be able to definitively say, "I'm moving the hell out of Florida and taking my gorgeous ass to San Diego!" We'll see...

In the meantime, I'll keep working at the law firm and the studio. Once I gather enough cash, I'll go back to school (hopefully in the fall). I'll just keep on going until I figure out what I'm meant to do. Or until it's presented to me...

Thanks for listening.

Blip!

2010-04-19T08:38:00.003-04:00

And I'm back on the Blogger Radar!

Sorry I've been away but between all my real life stuff and Facebook, I forgot about my humble little blog. Since no less than four people reminded me that I've been away for a month (the HORROR!!!), here I am!

Okay. Time for a quick wrap up:

Online dating: It sucks, but I have some ridiculous stories! Everything from the coke sniffing Republican to the guy who called me fat (asshole) has gone down in the past month or so. Good Lord, online dating has gotten crazy! But here I am plugging along like the crazy person I am...
I'm going on vacation...TOMORROW!!! That's right, my liebchens. I'm heading to gorgeous San Diego and there is a possibility that I won't be back (slim to none, but still possible!). Could I be a west coast girl? Hell yes!
I'm no longer working at the karaoke bar! And ever since I left my life has been so much better! No more hanging around the sad, syphilitic, dirty, cum guzzling gutter sluts whose lives were so miserable that they endeavored to make EVERYONE lives awful. Good-bye, Den of Whores! Have fun at that crappy place. I don't miss it at all.
To make up for the loss of income, I'm working nights at the dance studio. The money is actually not a drastic decrease. Plus, I get to practice a lot more and learn a bit more about the studio. Hopefully, they will start to put more trust in me and I can learn how to run it. And then I CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (The dance world, of course)
School is not killing me this semester, but I won't be able to attend classes this summer. Boo! My money has gotten weird. Hopefully there will be an up turn this summer and I'll be able to get all of my classes done in the fall. Let us pray...
Planning a trip to New Orleans to meet up with a couple of Pajibans. I'm crossing my fingers that it will turn out well.
The BPD is at bay for now. No rises, no slides, and no drama. The only problem is that my meds keep me up at night, but I can deal with that since the alternative is much worse. I also have a couple of friends that have BPD as well. One of them is slowly getting into the meds program that I am and the other refuses. Instead, he relies on working out a lot. Yeah, I've tried that way too with zero results. He isn't doing so great either, but he hasn't discovered that it's because he cannot control his brain through physical work. He'll learn...hopefully.
Hi Mohawk! I know you'll eventually read this, so I want to make sure I gave you a shout out. Oh, by the way, when you were at my place this weekend and you got slightly upset when I told you that I didn't know ANYONE who met my standards? Sorry about that. You're close to meeting them all, but you live too far away. That's kind of the only one and it's a big one. Still love you, though, and as usual the sex is phenomenal. Oh yeah, and you're a bit young. Not a huge deal, but it's there. Besides, we're pretty cool with the way things are, so why mess that up?
My little sister was arrested on Saturday. Not her fault, but it was a bit crazy. And yes, that would be the sister with the four kids.
My Uncle Cleve passed away two weeks ago. He was my last uncle. I was devastated and still am. I had a bit of a hard time at the funeral, but my was there for my family as best as I could.

I think that's it, my lovelies! I don't think that there is too much more going on with me, but I'm scatterbrained today since I'M GOING TO SAN DIEGO TOMORROW. Excuse the shouty-ness. I maybe overly excited. Talk to you guys soon!

The HealthCare Bill

2010-03-22T11:29:00.002-04:00

I don't know anyone else who has read it besides myself. But everyone has a fucking opinion. Here's a little bit of advice, people: Know what the fuck you're talking about before you start spouting off idiotic diatribes about how we're going to hell in a hand basket (wtf does that mean anyway?)

I've always prided myself on having a wide variety of friends and remaining open minded about other peoples' world view, but I cannot and will not tolerate stupidity and absolute ignorance from people I count as friends. So wise the fuck up, my lovelies. I work hard for your friendship and I want you to do the same.

Here are a few points I've gleaned from the bill. Some are good (very good!) and some aren't so great (I'm not listing those), but at least you'll know what the fuck you're talking about if you're too lazy to actually read for yourself.

If the Senate bill passes, here's what happens immediately:

1. Adult children may remain as dependents on their parents’ policy until age 26
2. Children under age 19 may not be excluded for pre-existing conditions
3. No more lifetime or annual caps on coverage
4. Free preventative care for all
5. Adults with pre-existing conditions may buy into a national high-risk pool until the exchanges come online. While these will not be cheap, they’re still better than total exclusion and get some benefit from a wider pool of insureds.
6. Small businesses will be entitled to a tax credit for 2009 and 2010, which could be as much as 50% of what they pay for employees’ health insurance.
7. The “donut hole” closes for Medicare patients, making prescription medications more affordable for seniors.
8. Requirement that all insurers must post their balance sheets on the Internet and fully disclose administrative costs, executive compensation packages, and benefit payments.
9. Authorizes early funding of community health centers in all 50 states (Bernie Sanders’ amendment)

It's amazing what a little education can do for you. Please do some research people. I can't stand it when people can't form their own goddamn opinions and start spouting the bullshit that they've picked up on some trolling site.

/rant

Infidelity

2010-03-19T09:03:00.003-04:00

There was a lovely little blow out on Pajiba yesterday about the rumours of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James' marriage. Some people jumped in and immediately called the third party a skank. Others defended Jesse James. Some people started in on how Sandra Bullock could have prevented it or how she could somehow be to blame.

Wow.

I didn't add to yesterday's conversation nor did I jump in on any status updates on FB, but I kind of want to get my feelings sorted about this. My blog is the best place for it so here goes:

When I was younger, I was a bit of a moralistic asshole and I would make a blanket statements about what I perceived to be cheating. I'm older now and I have had to come to terms with the fact that life IS NOT in black and white. There isn't a definite answer to anything anymore. What I do and the things I believe in are the things I've settled in my mind and in my life that work for me. I have a moral code that I stick to, but I'll be damned if I apply that to other people. No one, not even my brothers and sisters who grew up in the same house as I did, experienced the things I went through. Why would I expect them to have the same outlook on life as I do? Plus, what do I know about other people's relationships? My most successful ones were dysfunctional as all hell. That's what worked for me. As far as I'm concerned everyone needs a little dysfunction in their relationships. Does it matter what it is?

Currently in my life I have a best friend who has slept with a married man, a best friend who has cheated on her husband (and continues to do so), several friends who have open marriages, and many swinger friends. Would I ever do any of these things? No. It's not in my moral code. As far as I'm concerned they are things that are wrong for ME. But who am I to say that they are wrong for anyone else? Just because something isn't right for me doesn't mean it isn't right for someone else. Will I judge certain things that people do? I'm not going to lie; yes, I probably will. Will I treat anyone any different or talk shit or shun them because of the things that they do? No. Never. If you are a friend of mine, I will stand by you no matter what. My friends are my family. Even my family does the same thing for me. I do so many things that my parents think are wrong and they still love me and support me. I follow their example in my life and I hope that my friends see that.

And yes, I'm one of those girls who was born and raised in church. My dad is a bishop (non-denominational) and I was raised extremely Christian. I like to think of myself as a true Christian, one who is open minded and accepts everyone regardless of the choices they make, even if it runs counter to my own beliefs. How boring and silly would it be to discount people just because they don't think like me? A bunch of people who all think, act, and live the same? Yuck! This ain't Stepford...

So to all those moralistic pearl clutchers who want to jump on the "My way is what's right!" bandwagon, my advice is to open your mind a bit and realize that not everyone is like you. Expressing your distaste for a situation? Fine. Making snap judgements and calling names? Really fucking uncool. Cut that shit out and grow up...

Losing My Joy

2010-02-21T11:42:00.002-05:00

I've lost my enjoyment of everything.

I used to love keeping up with friends online, working, staying busy, dancing, cooking, and many other things. As I type this, I can't think of a single thing to do that lift me out of this funk that I've been in for almost two weeks now. It's way too easy to blame this slide (especially because the meds are supposedly working perfectly). I've been faking my happiness in everything but I can't convince myself that my life is what I want it to be. And the biggest problem?! I have no idea what I want it to be!

I'm not going to bullshit. Compared to most people, I've got it pretty good. A few jobs that keep me satisfied, both financially and artistically. I'm doing well in school and I have absolutely amazing friends that take care of me in every way. I have an incredible family that supports me even though they don't understand me. I have a great condo, a decent car, and a full social life, Why isn't this enough? Why is this amazing life not fulfilling me the way it should? I shouldn't even be allowed to complain! Yet here I am, wondering why I wake up and go to bed crying at night.

Yes, this could very well be the slide talking. I'm aware of that, but for some reason I think it's something more. What do I do now? *sigh*

Just some random blogging rambling...

Today

2010-01-26T12:22:00.003-05:00

I'm running on zero sleep because my idiot GP didn't tell me that the antibiotic I'm taking for the sinus infection doesn't mix well with the meds I take to sleep. Fucking wonderful. So I'm falling down my rage slide MUCH more quickly than usual. I've gone off (slightly) on two people today (for excellent reasons) and I threw a glass (for no fucking reason). Thank God for Miss K, who talked me into escaping for 15 minutes and taking a walk. I probably would have lost my job had I stayed any longer. Before I went, I dipped into the heavy duty meds (lithium) to bring me off the rage ledge. Also, today is my early day so I only have two more hours and I'm out of here to go dancing. Whew! I may need to take a personal day to ensure I keep my job and stay out of jail. Pray for me, people.

Here is a little conversation I had with an understanding boyfriend that still makes me giggle:

Trouble: Let me tell you about the wonders of Lithium...

Understanding Boyfriend: What's so fab about it?

T: Well, for starters, if I hadn't taken it I would have ripped your arm off and be beating you with it right now.

UB: ...

T: But I'm not because I love you! See? Lithium = Love!

Bwahahaha....

Scattered Slide

2010-01-25T15:23:00.003-05:00

I'm sliding again, I think. I can feel something coming but I'm worried about what it might be. I'll just hold on for the ride and talk about my fractured thoughts...

I hung out with Pajibans for the first time this weekend! admin and Tracer Bullet brought their families to my tourist infested town. We all met up at Cafe Tu Tu Tango's and had a blast. They all brought their kids (who were bright, adorable, well behaved, and funny) and I was the lone single chick. Meh. Impressions? admin and his wife are smoking hot and their kids were gorgeous. One of the highlights was when his 5 month old daughter smile and laughed at me with those gorgeous clear blue eyes. Awe. Some. TB and his wife were fun, silly, sarcastic, and real. We had actual conversations and not stilted just-meeting-you ones. Yeah, I had a good time.
I'm all over the place on this thing with Mohawk. I like him. He's been an excellent friend and I love him for that. The sex is...well...it's phenomenal. Who would have thought that I'd get turned out by a 22 year old? So where does this leave us? Excellent friends who have amazing sex. And he loves to cuddle before and after. He's sweet, sensitive, a lot of fun and a complete asshole. So I like him. A lot. I was completely content keeping things the way that they are but I can see the drawbacks. Ultimately, I DO want a relationship. So does he, but a relationship with each other? Probably not the best idea. Despite our 7 year age difference, we bicker like cats and dogs, we have severely different incomes, and he's moving away in less than a month now :( What to do? I don't know. Hence my scattered feelings on this whole thing.
I ended my friendship with E2. She was taking serious advantage of me and I was done with it. I cut her and Jolly Roger off, thinking I wouldn't be able to maintain a friendship with one and not the other. Yesterday, Jolly Roger sent me a message wondering why I'd deleted him from my Facebook. I guiltily added him back, but I'm already regretting it. He and I were never really friends. Why would I put up with him (and E2 by proxy) again? If anything, he was just as bad a friend as E2 (and possibly worse!). He didn't even notice that I'd deleted him until 3 weeks later. Yeah. I'll give him a weeks' grace period. After that, so long!
I miss my momma. Between all my jobs, school, friends, and life in general, I haven't been able to go see her at all.
I'm on a more severe budget this year, so this mean I'm going to have to deal with being basically broke. I'm very unhappy about this. Goodbye to shopping, eating out, and my rare spa trips. I have to tighten my belt so I can afford gas, food, and tuition.

See? I'm all over the place. And coming up? My worst time of year. Yeah, I feel a slide...

High Maintenence?

2010-01-13T08:13:00.003-05:00

Okay, what the fuck? I'm high maintenance?

So, I had a date last night. Well, it was supposed to be a date.

Eeyore and I met on FB through a mutual friend. He was okay looking and seemed smart, so I agreed to talk to him and meet up with him (the fact that he worked at Lexus didn't hurt!). We met at Crispers on Saturday. He was quietly confident and nice, so we continued talking. I wasn't extremely attracted to him, but I decided not to let that affect anything. He was smart and kind of a dork. I liked that. He seemed a bit smitten (he asked me out twice in one day!) but beyond that he seemed to be a sweet guy. I declined that offer, by the way. I had been shopping a bit too much and was completely broke. He offered to pay and I told him we could just delay meeting up until I got paid. He didn't like that and agreed to pay when we went out again.

He asked me out for Tuesday (his day off) and I agreed. He picked out Spice, a place downtown near my job so that we could meet for lunch. But in between making this date (on Sunday) and Tuesday morning, I started getting weird vibes from him. He was too serious and didn't always get the fact that I was making a joke. He complained about his job a bit too much and he had difficulty seeing past his own world view. He complained about a lot of things going on in his life but he wasn't making any moves to change them. Yeah, not fun. Tuesday morning I contemplated cancelling all together but I decided to just move it back to dinner. Since I thought the restaurant he picked out was a cafe, I suggested an Irish pub that I loved. He wasn't happy about the change and was passive aggressive in letting me know that. Strike One: I hate passive aggressiveness. Just fucking tell me what your problem is, asshole. So I agreed to let the plans go on as usual and would meet him at Spice at 5 pm.

I arrived 15 minutes early, like usual (I hate being late!). I texted him to let him know that I arrived, just in case he was waiting inside. No! He complained about me being early! I think his exact text was:

Eeyore: No fair being early!
Trouble: I'm always early.
E: Yeah, I'm always late.
Strike Two: How fucking disrespectful! You asked me out, picked the place, and now you're late? Uncool, douchebag.
E: So does this mean you always come early?
(I understand that he was trying to make a joke, but I wasn't in the mood after working all day for someone to show up late for a date.)
T: No, what I'm saying is don't be late. It's a HUGE pet peeve of mine.
E: Jeez sor-ry
At this point I was ready to write him off, but I reasoned that he didn't know how much I hated tardiness.
T: It's okay. You didn't know.
E: And to be fair I still have 7 mins til I'm late
T: Four actually. Hahaha...
E: Semantics
T: Or actual measures of time
E: Moving on

Yeah.

So, he was 15 minutes late. Which meant that I'd been waiting for 30 minutes. When he finally did arrive, he said "Don't start." Not hello, not sorry, not "Yes, I'm a douche for being late to a date" nothing. Just "Don't start." Strike three, asshole. I'm ready to go home. But I didn't leave. I decided to at least get a good meal and maybe a friend out of this whole deal. We sit down at a table that overlooks the water (no, he didn't pull my chair out), order drinks and food, and have some decent conversation. I figured that I'd overreacted and was glad that I'd decided to stay. The server was a super sweet girl with a big smile and I was starting to enjoy myself. The appetizer came, then the salads. I made a remark about how I may have ordered too much food. He responded with "Meh, it's okay. You're paying for it anyway."

Hmmm...now I distinctly remember him telling me that he would pay for our next date. I also remember telling him that I had almost no money. But I'm expected to pay for our meals? To clarify, I asked him, "Oh, is it my turn to pay?"

"No, we can go dutch." he replies. Strike four, cockbag.

When the check does come ($80), he only has cash and I have my overloaded card. He tells the server to put it all on my card and asks her to break the $100 bill that he has.

Wait! What the fuck? Not only do you have the money to pay the bill and you don't, but now I'm putting the whole tab on my card? "Don't worry, I'll give you cash for my half." Strike motherfucking five!

Then he adds his half wrong and gives me less than what he owes! Strike six, fucktard. Then he balks at giving our excellent server a better then average tip (she was really a very good server). Strike seven, ya cheap bastard.

We go for a walk around Lake Eola (for digestion, he says. Whatever, idiot.). Does he walk on the high traffic side? Nope. Strike eight.

We walk back to my car in the garage. He seemed a bit miffed that it there were a lot more people in the garage than he'd thought. What? Were you expecting a kiss, motherfucker? Hell-the-fuck-no!

We sat there and talked for a bit about innocuous things, while I'm dying to get out of there. When he turns to me and says, "How do you think this date went?"

T: Date? This is was a date?
E: Oh, it wasn't?
T: No, definitely not.
E: Why not?

As I told him about the strikes (in the nicest way I could), he scoffed and said that I was high maintenance. Really? I'm high maintenance because I expect to be treated like a lady? Because I expect you to be a punctual gracious gentleman? Fuck off, loser. Go back home to your parents' (who should have taught you how to be a goddamn gentleman) house and jack off to your sad porn, using your lonely tears as lube.

I said none of this. All I said was, "When a guy accuses a girl of being high maintenance, it really just means he's lazy." He didn't like that and I didn't care. No kiss (obviously) and a half hug later, I put it in my mind to forget him forever.

I went home to wash the bad date off me, when Mohawk called and asked how my day went. Declining to tell him about the date, I simply told him it had been a long day and I was tired. I asked him if he was coming over because I wanted to hang out. He came over. And he brought food. How is it that such a simple thing can instantly make your day? He spent the night. (No sex, pervs! At least not this time...)

My best friends (Krypto, Lil Bit, Mama Sue, and Sinner) think that I should give Mohawk a shot. They counter my (apparently flimsy) objections with the facts that he's sweet, kind, very giving, a complete gentleman, smart, and silly. And while all of those things are very true, I'm still hesitant. I need to think about it a bit more.

That's all for now...

Quick Update

2010-01-05T12:35:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I haven't been here much. Sorry! But here are a few quick updates that should keep you guys at bay for a bit:

As he's stated, DeistBrawler and I are no longer Internet "dating." The simplest explanation is that we just didn't suit.
I was a bit depressed on Christmas Eve, but luckily I was cheered up by a semi-hot bartender that I met at a bar near my house. We're slightly dating, but with his work schedule it's not a priority.
Christmas was pretty awesome. As a spoiled brat, I really cleaned up. A trip to South Africa, money, designer bags, etc.
Work has been a bitch lately, but I'm not complaining.
I've been hanging out with Blues again lately and it's been great. I forgot how well we got along. We ALWAYS have fun together. And since he's no longer best friends with my (sort of) ex, there's no weird awkwardness.
New Years' Eve was a blast. Blues and I went to Fiddlers' Green, a college tavern not too far from my house. Then we hit up his friends' NYE house party. It was chill, awesome, and exactly what I wanted to do.
I'm now sleeping with Mohawk! Hahahaha...how did it happen? By accident! He sent me a text on NYE and I accidentally called him back while I was driving home. I didn't want to go home to my empty house so I invited him over. We watched TV, cuddled, and fell asleep. I woke up a couple of hours later and BAM! We had the sex. And it was great! Really great, actually. Better than it should have been. I thought that it was just because it had been a while for me, but it gets better every time. So now we're FWB? Who knows? Yeah, I'm enjoying this...

That's it for now, my chickadees! Talk to you soon...

Ummm...Yeah...

2009-12-21T08:27:00.004-05:00

So this weekend:

Thursday: Work. Then I did a little shopping and went to see Blue Man Group with Boo, her family, E2, Drunken Gay, Mohawk, and a few other people. So much fun! Holy crap. Hung out at Cigarz afters and dragged myself home to sleep.

Friday: Office Christmas party! I love these because it mean I get to drink while at work! We had a Wii tournament, raffle giveaways, and a lot of food. How much work got done? None. After work, I went to Maggianos with Boo and her family. Man, that food was good! I mean, wow! That may be my new first dinner date place (Sorry, Tu Tu Tango's!). We met up with a few friends at Cigarz afters but I was exhausted and headed home early.

Saturday: My god-niece's birthday party! We had a good old G-Rated time for about two hours. Then we locked the kids in the rooms and broke out the liquor. I absolutely love my brother and his wife. Their new place is so great and I had a blast with their friends.

All day, Tongue was texting me. Tongue is a guy I'd met through friends a few weeks ago. We'd been on one date and he's been trying to get me out on another. Since I was finally free, he wanted me to come out with him on this cold Saturday. So I left the party a bit early. He wanted to pick me up so I let him pick me up at the mall across the street from my condo (I never let a guy pick me up from home). So away we went to a jazzy little bar call Flanagan's. We hung out and drank for maybe 15 minutes, when a group of about 7 or 8 guys walked in. Tongue jumped up and greeted them with "I was wondering when you guys would get here!"

WTF? This guy had invited his FRIENDS along on our date? I was not too happy, but I soldiered on, laughing and talking to the guys, thinking that I would tell Tongue later how uncool it was. Then it started getting worse. Tongue left me at the table to play round robin pool and darts without asking me if I wanted in (which I did. I spend a lot of time in bars, so I'm good at bar games). While he was off playing two of his friends hit on me simultaneously. Yeah, classy. Then I started to notice that the guys were buying rounds for each other but not including me in the rounds. The final straw came when Tongue bought a round of shots and beers for everyone but me! Fucking hell. I started to texting a few friends at that point, trying to get rescued. I was only about two miles from my car, but it was cold outside and I didn't want to walk. So I was going back and forth with Blues and DB (Ha! Like he could help up in Georgia!). Then DB send me a text and tells me to show it to Tongue. Here's the text:

"Dude. You're on a date and not only did you invite your friends, likely to show her off, but you're not buying her shots? Are you gay? Or just dumb?"

So I showed it to Tongue after he finally staggered over to check on me (read: He was drunk). He read the message and called DB a faggot. Yes, a faggot. I hate that fucking word. Instead of beating his fool head in, I told him I had to run to the bathroom. I went outside and called a cab. Yeah.

And still Tongue didn't pick up on my very big hint. He texted me three times that night and the next day asking when we could do it again. I suck at picking guys to date.

Sunday: Church. Then I came home and basically camped out all day. I just recently got hooked on True Blood through Netflix. The only problem is that the DVDs only have two episodes on them. Now I've seen the first two episodes and I have to wait for another DVD. Fuckers. I cooked and cleaned. I washed clothes and vacuumed. I chatted with a few people on the phone and got caught up on my Hulu. It was a lovely, lazy, slightly lonely Sunday. (Thanks Lwae!!)

It was a pretty good weekend, for the most part. There was some drama with DB, but we'll see how that blows over...

Nothing To Say

2009-12-18T11:00:00.004-05:00

Here is the problem:

I actually have PLENTY to say, but since DB reads my blog now I can't fucking say anything about him. We were talking about this the other day and he's found a solution (although he won't tell me what it is). Fucker.

So what have I been doing? Calling and texting my new best Pajiba-friend, Lwae. This bitch is BEYOND hilarious. Holy crap, is she fun and full of crazy advice (whether it's practical or not!). Thanks, crazy bitch! I owe you one.

In other news, school is finally over! I rocked the hell out of those goddamn classes with a 104, 101, 98, and 95. Whew! All As and a lot of sleep lost. It will be totally worth it if I can graduate summa.

I got the Disney gig! Hooray! I'm a princess! I would make an attempt to start behaving like one but I'm pretty sure I'm too far gone for that.

I'm officially out of the hypomanic state and life has been good. I got a little nutty in there with the crazy stress of school, money, family, and everything else. I took the meds and then combined them with alcohol, thinking I was invincible. Yeah, not the best idea I've ever had. My therapist actually YELLED at me. Ooops...

My abuelita took a bad turn a couple of days ago and the doctors don't think she has much longer to go. She's degenerated to the point where she can't walk or talk much and she refuses to eat. From everything I've read, this mean that the end is near. I want to say that this makes me so sad, but it doesn't. Am I a monster to admit that I will be so happy that she will be out of the nightmarish hell she's been through the last 10 years? Am I insensitive to say that I want my mother to stop having the exhausted and pinched look on her face almost 24/7 from having to take care of her? I'm not wishing for abuelita to die, but I want the agony of having her forget me slowly to be over. It's a purely selfish feeling and whether it's wrong or not, I feel awful for allowing it to take over me. I struggled with it all day on Wednesday as my mother and I went about taking care of abuelitas' accounts. What do I do? Suffer...not fun btw.

In happier news, Boo is in town with her family! We have been having a blast and I can't wait to go out and visit her in San Diego (hopefully within the next month!). If I don't come back, don't be surprised...

Quote Of The Day

2009-12-10T09:19:00.004-05:00

Most cynics, like myself, start out as hopeless romantics.

--Anonymous (actually, I was too fucking lazy to look it up)

Yeah, Anonymous. Preaching to the fucking choir...

Silly Little Story

2009-12-09T10:57:00.003-05:00

No worries, loves. I'll have my CBR reviews up soon. I just want to tell this silly story that had me cackling...

Back when I was in undergrad in NY (Fordham Dance, represent!), I was dating a fireman. He was a good looking guy and in shape, which I appreciated being a ballerina. We'd met at a random NY party (of course). We dated for a couple of months before school got to be hectic and we drifted apart amicably.

One of our first dates was to a comedy club where we saw Tom Rhodes. I'd never heard of him before (although now he's one of my favorite stoner comedians) and it was my first comedy club show. Fireman and I sat at a table up front (so freakin' cool!).

So the Fireman and I are laughing along with Tom Rhodes and he starts in on a bit about how adults never keep with their childhood ambitions. He said we all had dreams when we were kids about what we wanted to do when we grew up. He exact quote was, "Why didn't we stick with that? Why isn't this a room full of firemen and ballerinas?"

Fireman and I looked at each other for a millisecond before we burst out laughing. Since we were right up front, being loud, and laughing long after everyone else, it drew the comedians' attention.

"Am I that hilarious?" he asked.

"Yes and no," I laughed. Fireman was still cracking up. I pointed out that "He's a fireman and I'm a ballerina."

The crowd laughed and cheered and Tom Rhodes asked us to stand up and take a bow since we were true to our words as kids. I stood up, loving the spotlight and Fireman did an embarrassed bow. It was so cool and a lot of fun for my first comedy club experience.

Now Fireman and I are friends on FB. He reminded me of this story and we laughed about it. And I wished, just for a bit, that I was back in NY, hanging out with friends and have silly little experiences like that.

That's all...

A Drunken Weekend

2009-12-07T09:16:00.002-05:00

I did my absolute best to stay as drunk as possible this weekend and I succeeded! On Friday after work, I went out with the Russian Mob. This is a group of about 3-5 guys who work and drink. That's it. If they aren't working, they are drinking. Probably why we get on so well. They took me out to Tampa to party and I didn't get home until almost 5 am. Sah-weet!

Of course, I had volunteered to work a water stop at a half marathon for work at 6:30 am. So I put on my pirate wench gear (we were a themed water stop!) and danced my way through the rain and cold. Of course I was still drunk and my lovely, lovely coworkers were thoughtful enough to bring rum punch to keep the party going. Huzzah!

I grabbed some food on the way home. As I pulled into my condo spot, I heard clinking and rolling in my backseat. Looking back I discovered 2 (two!) bottles of vodka. I recalled through my drunken haze that the Russians gave my a couple of bottles to thin out their stash. I also had been given a 12 pack of their newly brewed guava wheat beer. So in my house I now had two unopened bottles of Grey Goose vodka, 12 pint bottles of guava beer, and 12 bottles of Yuengling. What was a girl to do on a rainy, dreary weekend? I turned it into a drunken paradise. That's right, my friends. I drank the ENTIRE WEEKEND. The beer is completely gone (save for two bottles) and I'm down to a half bottle of vodka.

How was it? Awesome. I even took my very first Pajiba shot with feramones. Holy hell was that the tits! We're doing that again!

What else happened? I got a lot of studying done, wrote a couple of papers, cleaned the house, talked to friends, read a couple of books for CBR (expect reviews this week), did some cooking, and watched a lot of movies. All while drunk! I'm officially a functioning drunk. Love it!

The bad part of this weekend? I went to get my hair done by a friend who is in beauty school. Big motherfucking mistake. I have crazy mixed hair. That means that up front, my hair is soft, curly and manageable. But in the back (or what we call "the kitchens") it's bad. A really bad mixed of curls, naps, and thick cotton-like texture. Only certain hairstylists can deal with it. My friend? Not one of those people. I came out looking like a troll doll! It was so awful I cried for a bit. Now I'm probably going to have to cut my hair to look normal again. Today I'm rocking a wig, but underneath it's pure steel wool. It's silly to be upset, but I've always loved my hair. It took years to tame and she fucked it up after one hour.

*sigh*

This week is the last week of school. Due to my excellent grades in two classes (98% and 104%), I've been exempted from two exams. Woo hoo! I'm almost done with this semester and I plan to relax for a bit.

That's all for me, folks! What did you guys do this weekend?

Too Much

2009-12-02T12:26:00.003-05:00

I've tried to kill myself this fall. I have entirely too much on my plate. So much so that in the last week, I've had half a dozen people tell me that I need to relax. These people included my mother (yikes!), Miss K, and my boss (holy shit).

My OCD-ness has kicked into overdrive and now I'm terrified of forgetting something or if someone is displeased with the things I do for them. It's sick, weird, and ridiculous and I'm stopping that shit right now. When I find myself multi-tasking while I'm driving (talking on the phone, talking to myself (oops!), making notes, and planning meals), it's time to take a breather.
(I sent 5 messages to a friend because I fell asleep and missed his birthday party. FIVE FUCKING MESSAGES. Just because I felt so guilty. When he wasn't even expecting me. Ridiculous.)

Here are the things that I've imposed upon myself: School (full time), Law office gig (full time), Bar gig (part time at first, now extremely part time. I haven't worked in a month), ballroom dancing gig (extreme part time at first, now part time), cooking lessons, guitar lessons, and keeping up with a bunch of friends and family (including mi abuelita). It is too much, way too much for me to handle and I can feel myself getting dragged down.

I know myself well enough to know that I'm only happy when I'm busy and needed, but I've gone way too far overboard. And now I'm attempting to add in another job (Disney princess gig) and a possible relationship? Yeah, I'll die of stress before the new year.

So here is what I'm going to do: I'm getting rid of shit. The bar gig? Fucking gone. Guitar lessons? Postponed indefinitely. Lightening up on the friends and family thing. It was more of a personal thing anyway. My actual friends (you guys and some RL people) know that I have stuff to get done and are smart enough to keep up with me on FB instead of giving me ridiculous demands on top of everything else. And school? Taking a break. One class next semester, maybe two.

I'm going to do the things I actually want to do right now. I've been responsible and reliable to other people my whole life. I want to go back to actually enjoying more aspects of my life. The law firm? Staying. I gotta eat, plus I really like working there (mostly). The ballroom? Love it so much I would do it for free (luckily I do get paid). Cooking? Yeah, like I'm giving that up. Disney? They want me to be a princess for a living? Yes, please! DB? He's fun, silly and it's going pretty well so that stays too.

So these are kind of like early New Year's resolutions. I want to be less stressed and have more enjoyment out of life instead of running around like crazy to constantly try to appease other people. 2010 will be the year of ME!

Woo hoo! I feel better already...

World AIDS Day

2009-12-01T11:45:00.001-05:00

I love this website. It has delightfully weird articles and it is a total time killer. The link will take you to their article for World AIDS Day. Couldn't have said it better myself...

DeistBrawler Is An Asshole...

2009-11-30T08:16:00.003-05:00

...and I'll tell you why.

That asshole got a new phone yesterday and how does he celebrate? By calling me and being a charming motherfucker. With the exception of about two hours (hold for details), he kept me on the phone ALL GODDAMN NIGHT. I got zero sleep and I'm feeling stabby. I'ma kill that motherfucker.*

So those two hours? They were spent talking with my momma. My abuelita has the Alzheimer's, so my mom takes care of her. Well, yesterday abuelita couldn't walk or pull herself up. Which meant that momma had to carry her around and basically do everything for her. At one point, abuela fell on the floor and could even push herself up to sitting and my mom couldn't pull her up. She called me to hightail it over there and right as I had my shoes on, daddy came home. Now we have to figure something else out because mom can't take this anymore. She needs to find another solution. Her sisters (my tias) are being stubborn bitches about taking care of THEIR OWN MOTHER. So we're getting a lawyer to explore some options.

*sigh*

Other than that, Thanksgiving weekend was great! Miss K came down to visit and we had a blast. I went to Sinner's crazy Italian house for Thanksgiving dinner, where they requested that I make "black people mac and cheese". I happily obliged. I spent the rest of the weekend relaxing, sleeping, eating leftovers, shopping, and studying. It was excellent. I could use a few more like it.

And now I'm back at work, tired as all hell (thanks a lot, asshole!), and trying pull everything together for this week. God help me...

*In truth, I couldn't sleep and DB was a sweetheart to keep me company last night through the fetid wastelands of insomnia. He kept trying to get me to go to sleep, but I wasn't having it. Almost 6 straight hours of talking. Gotta be a record for me. Here's to popping cherries (hahahaha)!

Trouble's 7 Things

2009-11-28T08:47:00.004-05:00

Usually, I HATE these things and I completely ignore them, But this one came from the delectable Miss Eyvi Sprite. And since I love her in the face, I'll do this for her. Plus, she told me that I was awesome. See? Flattery will get you everywhere with me. So I get to be an AWESOME BLOGGER and you guys get to know things about me that you didn't know.

Here goes:

1. I have had WAY more jobs than a normal person my age has had. I chalk it up to boredom and being a performer. A quick list (some jobs omitted): server, bartender, dancer, actress, pro cheerleader (Orlando Magic and Tampa Bay Buccaneers), cruise ship performer, theme park performer, back up dancer (Britney Spears and Fusion), celebrity impersonator, stiltwalker, ballroom dancer/instructor, office manager and teacher. Yeah, and I'm only 29.

2. Although I have a HUGE family, I am not in touch with any of them regularly (with the exception of my parents). Most of them don't approve of the way my life has gone (education and travel instead of marriage and children), so we simply don't speak. I'm trying to repair that now, but it's a long difficult road.

3. I have an unnatural fear of horror movies and roller coasters. I hate suspense and being dropped from big height. I just don't see anything thrilling about ass clenching terror. I don't mind the gory movies, but I can't take suspense. My brain doesn't process it well and I'll have nightmares for months...

4. I was married once to a lovely man. That's a story for another day...

5. I am "almost" British. During my formative years, all my nannies were British, my headmaster was British, and I went to summer academies in London for most of my young life. Hell, my aforementioned husband was British and I lived there for two years. You can hear a slight accent in my speech, but I don't notice it at all. I can imitate three different English dialects, though, and that's always fun to freak people out.

6. I have hooked up with a celebrity. I'm way too ashamed to tell you guys who he is though. At the time (about 8 years ago), it was the awesomest thing, but now I try to keep the whole thing under wraps. I will occasionally still hear from him when he is nearby Orlando and the last time I was in L.A., we hung out for a bit. Hint: He's an actor and comedian (kinda).

7. This one will hit close to home for my Pajibans. I'm "dating" DeistBrawler. I use quotation marks since we've never met and this is a relatively new development (as in it happened yesterday). We've been talking a lot on FB and texting quite frequently for the last month or two and it just kind of happened. Here's the crazy part: Every time I try to tell my RL friends about it, they look at me like I'm a three headed dog. I mean to non-Pajibans the story sounds ridiculous.

"So how did you guys meet?"

"Well, we met on an online community. I thought he was a troll and he thought I was a guy. Then we became members of each others' blogs and eventually moved our friendship to FB. One night he dick rolled me and we've been in touch ever since! We've never met or even really talked on the phone (his phone is 7 different kinds of fucked up), but it's going so great!"

Yeah, that's a story to tell the grandkiddies...

So there you go, my loves. Seven gloriously intrusive things about me that probably qualify as TMI and that you maybe didn't want to know.

Sorry, I've been absent recently. Between the holiday, people visiting, finals coming up, and some crazy shit going down at work and in the personal life, I haven't had time to write on here. I haven't even had time for the Cannonball Read, due to the fact that I had to slog my way through the Senate Health care Bill (seriously, the most ridiculous writing I've ever read. They should have let Pajibans write it. "Taco Dip and Scrabble for all!").

Give me another couple of weeks and I'm all yours, my chickadees...

CannonBall Read 2: Book #3 - Basket Case by Carl Hiaasen

2009-11-17T10:05:00.002-05:00

I needed a light book so I went with an old trusty author. Carl Hiaasen has been cracking me up since I was in middle school and my daddy handed me a copy of Lucky You. Carl Hiaasen writes about the freaks of Florida landscapes and the people who try to wade their way through them. So...he's writing about my life...

In Basket Case, he introduces Jack Tagger, a reporter of former glory who has been demoted to obituary writer due to telling off the boss in a spectacular manner. As he drudges his way through death after death, he becomes morbidly obsessed with how people die and when his ticket will be punched. He get a full check up every month and badgers his mother on how his absentee father died (she refused to tell him). His one joy is annoying his editor, Emma, trying to get her to quit.

One day, as he's checking the wires for an obituary to write up, he comes across the name James Stomarti. Once he recognizes the given name of legendary lead singer of the band Jimmy Stoma and the Slut Puppies (awesome name!), he starts to smell a larger story. Maybe a murderous story. One that can get him out of the cesspool of writing obituaries...

Hiaasen adds into the story the unusual Florida rejects including Stoma's widow, a pube flashing (ew) chart topping, singing starletard named Cleo Rio, her producer, an idiotic long haired douchebag named Loreal, and a garrulous old man who has a few scores to settle. He leads it all to a ridiculous showdown on the big lake.

Of course I fucking loved this book! It was a whole bunch of silly fun about a place I know very well. Pretty fucking accurate too...

I'm Getting Good At This...

2009-11-13T14:40:00.003-05:00

And by "this", I mean telling off fucking morons...

The back story to this FB conversation is really fucking long. Let me try to sum it up.

Stinky works at the bar with Pimp and me. She fucking sucks as a server and is a sad pathetic creature. I felt bad for her and tried to help her out but she got on my nerves too much.

As it turns out, Stinky is a whore. She has an extremely jealous boyfriend, but she chose to troll for cock in our kitchen. The head cook she was fucking would give her drugs for free. So she was a druggie whore. Better and better.

One night she call the head cook over to "protect" her from her abusive boyfriend. Head cook takes over two people, one of the being my friend, Money. Just as they arrive, the psycho boyfriend comes back with a couple of friends of his own and they have weapons. My friend Money is cracked over the head with a metal pipe (splitting it open) and stabbed.

He spent a month in the hospital.

The psycho boyfriend was then jailed and booked on multiple felonies. Stinky, instead of having the good grace to exit her whore ass from the bar, decides to keep working at the bar, trying to get sympathies from everyone. What. The. Fuck. Plus, she's still trolling guys for cock (she went after Jolly Roger), while proclaiming to LOVE her boyfriend.

Cut to last week. Stinky brings her newly bailed out boyfriend to the bar. Hello?! Moron! He has a state ordered injunction to stay away from Money. The boyfriend is trespassed forever and Stinky? They suspended her for two days. My bar sucks...

That's the background story. Now I have never kept my feelings from Stinky. She knows what I think of her and she has avoided me thusly. Until today. Here is the FB conversation that just took place:

Pimp (status update): So i got the new place...yey! move on tuesday, who wants to help me move? pizza and beer!!
Stinky: I'll help you, and so will (Psycho Boyfriend) if you'd like.
Me: Well, I was going to volunteer to help....
Me: But...well...you know...
Stinky: Wow your real mature....
Me: Wow! You can't spell or use grammar...
Pimp: Hey no fighting on my page...lol...thats between you guys lol...i'm full of love! (I texted her after this and she said she only wrote that to seem neutral. Then she encouraged me to keep going. I happily obliged...)
Me: Sorry, Pimp! You know how much I can't dumb cunts...
Me: *grrr I can't STAND dumb cunts! Geez...her stupidity is infectious...
Stinky: hahah looks like your the dumb cunt after all.
Pimp: So do you guys work together anytime soon? Cause I'll bring some boxing gloves ;) jk thats wrong
Stinky: But...Well...you know...we all knew that allready
Me: Hahaha...the whore still can't spell. Love it! Not working anytime soon, love.You'll have to postpone me curbstomping Stinky...
Pimp: Hey i like her..she is one of my buddies..:)
Me: And Idiot Whore? Try your best not to try and match wits with me, dear. You're woefully under qualified. Now go look up all the words you don't understand...
Me: She's your buddy? Then I'll downgrade from cunt to bitch, if I can (doubtful) and use smaller words so she can understand...
Pimp: I was talking about you...my buddy!
Me: Oh! Well in that case, I'm going back to cunt status. If that sleazy little syphilitic whore calls me dumb one more time, I'm going to beat her with my shoe.

Was it childish? Yes. Did it feel good? Fuck yes!

I've been prevented from telling Stinky how I really felt about her by work rules (name calling, threats, etc.) but in the FB world there are few rules. And I was ragging on that dumb bitch like she was a doll.

The next time I work should be interesting...

Retarculous*

2009-11-12T07:53:00.004-05:00

When I moved into my condo, I noticed a guy, who seemed to be my neighbor, hanging out nearby. He was pleasant and friendly, offering to help me with the move. We'll call him Idiot (you can see where this story is going). Idiot and I talked briefly. I let him know, erroneously, that I had a cop boyfriend who was to move in with me as soon as his lease was up. Why did I tell this egregious lie? Because I knew instantly that Idiot was interested in me and I wanted him to know that he had ZERO chance in hooking up.

So Mohawk was introduced as my (fake) boyfriend. He comes over frequently and we hang out inside my house until late. Idiot and his imbecile friends would see this and mutter under their breath (thinking I wouldn't hear). Whatever. Like I cared what they thought.

Yesterday, Idiot approached me on the way to my car to go to class.

I: Hey. Can I ask you a question?
Me: Sure. What's up?
I: I don't want to offend you...
Me: Then don't ask it.
I: It's not really an offensive question...
Me: Then why did you throw in the "offend you" fuckery?
I: I just want to ask you...um...
Me: Spit it out, man.
I: I was just wondering...Why is a beautiful woman like you with your boyfriend and not with someone like me?

(dramatic pause)

Me: You're fucking kidding me, right?
I: What?
Me: Is that supposed to be a compliment?
I: Huh?
Me: Am I supposed to be impressed by what you just said?
I: Huh? (His brain was too slow to comprehend my rising rage)
Me: You give me a backhanded compliment, insult my boyfriend and then try to make yourself look good. I'm supposed to be impressed by this? All I see is a sad, insipid, idiotic attempt to hit on someone whom you KNOW has a boyfriend. So now you look stupid, classless, disrespectful, and pathetic. Is that what you were going for?
I (clearly not expecting me to have a brain): I was just...I mean...I didn't mean to offend you...
Me: No, you were just trying to put my boyfriend down and put yourself in his place. It's offensive, disrespectful, intrusive, and none of your goddamn business why I'm with my boyfriend. Got it?
I: I'm sorry... I just..
Me: Good-bye.

I damn near ran over him, I was so pissed off.

Here's what his problem was: Mohawk is white. That's it. That's what he has an issue with. He thinks that I should be with him, a strapping (yet seemingly unemployed and classless) black man instead of a skinny little white boy (who is sweet, kind, adorable, and gainfully employed). Fucking ridiculous. I'm supposed to care about race? I can barely find a halfway decent guy who meets my standards (for the record Mohawk doesn't quite meet them either but it doesn't matter since he's only my fake boyfriend), and now I'm supposed to care about what color they are? Fuck that! I'll be alone forever if I factored appearance in.

I was so angry as I was leaving. I called Mohawk and told him what happened. After initially being a little pissed off, he decided that we should just mess with their heads a little. The next time he comes over, we'll be extra handsy. That should piss Idiot off. I've also decided to be a super bitch to him (an easy task for me since I'm a cunt anyway) and barely regard him. Will I be condescending? Fuck yes, because he IS below me. He's a lowlife scum who tried to take something that belonged to someone else. With his sad, weak, and tired little pick up line. I guess girls without brains would have fallen for that. It was so fucking cool to see his face when I started in on him. He didn't know what hit him. It's called intellect, motherfucker. Use it.

That's all...

*This is a new word that Pin Up gave me. I freakin' love it...

Cannonball Read 2: Book #2: The Secret History by Donna Tartt

2009-11-09T08:50:00.004-05:00

I think fucked up books are going to be the norm for me this read.

The Secret History starts out with the narrator talking about a murder he help commit, although he gives few details. All we know is that he and his friends murder "Bunny".

The narrator, Richard Papen, lives in Plano, CA. where his life is a dull, flat plain of misery. His parents are indifferent and his life is colorless. He attends a community college, where he is unchallenged and bored, save for a class in Classical Greek. Then he finds a Hampton College pamphlet that seems to lure him away from his sad tofu life in his hometown.

After much maneuvering, he finds himself breathing Vermont air and able to create a fictitious background about himself in a place where no one knows him. As he tries to incorporate himself into campus life, he finds that he misses Classical Greek. When he tries to sign up for the class, he is denied, due to the fact that the teacher, Julian, who is a tad (understatement!) eccentric, will not allow students in his class unless they take all of their classes with him. Yeah...

Eventually, the teacher relents and allows Richard into his classes. Richard slowly gets to know his new classmates, five people who have intrigued him since his first sighting of them. There is Henry, the brilliant, apathetic, socially inept, linguistic genius. There's Francis, the exotic, charming rich boy who wears pince-nez. The twins, Charles and Camilla, who are too much alike to be considered separately (at first) and then there is Bunny, a gregarious chap, who is sloppy, sneering, and snobby in an endearing way.

This book winds around their lives in an outrageous but utterly believable way. Usually when I read a book about actual bacchanals, multiple murders, poisoned mushrooms, and unrequited love, I tend to think that it's a little too fantastic for me. This book was excellent. Even with the admission of murder at the beginning, I was taken aback at the actions of the the characters.

Fair warning: There isn't much happy in the book. Even when things are going well for the characters involved (rare), there is an undercurrent of melancholy and foreboding.

Read it. I'm going to go eat a few cookies to cheer myself up...

Weekend Shuffle

2009-11-09T08:19:00.003-05:00

I was all over the place this weekend!

Friday

After work, I went to a Christian singles ballroom dance mixer with my sister. I know what you're thinking but it was DANCING!!! And believe it or not, it was a pretty good time. I was the youngest person there by about 20 years, though. That was weird. So there I was dancing with men in their late 50s to early 100s. Still, older men actually know the waltz and the foxtrot, so I had a ball (and burned some calories!).
Next, I met up with Mohawk and Drunken Gay at Cigarz for what they call "Friday Night Ritual". That's where they go to CityWalk and get drunk. Yeah. How is that different from any other night?
There I ran into the Pastamore crew, including Jolly Roger. I tried to talk to him about E2, but he was drunk and completely preoccupied with his linebacker of an ex (I seriously thought she was a drag queen!) who studiously ignored him. He then ran out on his tab (I paid it. Pfft!) and I haven't spoken to him since. Yeah....

Saturday

My niece was admitted to the hospital with a sickle cell crisis. So my family juggled visiting her, watching the other rugrats, and watching my abuelita. Absolutely crazy times. I was exhausted by the end of the day. Plus, I missed a friend's wedding. Congrats, darling!

Sunday

A day all to myself! I woke up early and went to church then I ran about 5 miles (Guh!). I cooked, cleaned, and shopped all alone. Until I went to the book store, where I was hit on and picked up by a sweet guy who bought me coffee and a Neil Gaiman book (American Gods). I came home to catch up on my new favorite TV shows (Community and Modern Family) on Hulu and finished my CB2 book. Then I spent the night planning and getting ready for the upcoming week. I'm such a grown-up! I got a lot done, but I was still a little lonely to tell the truth. I baked oatmeal craisin walnut cookies to make my house seem less lonely (Does that make sense?).

So here we are at Monday. Thus far, I've broken my favorite pair of shoes. Doesn't bode well for the week but I'm going to try to be optimistic (It's the meds talking...).

Lockdown

2009-11-06T14:06:00.003-05:00

So my office building is currently on lockdown. About a half hour ago, a man walked into an office building two blocks away and open fire, wounding 6 and killing 2. He is still on the loose and we have been barricaded in the building.

I don't even know what to say about this. My emotions run the gamut from inconsolable to outright angry to completely frightened.

One thing I know for sure. My prayers are with the victims and their families.

UPDATE: The asshole ran home to his mother's house. His mother promptly called the police and he was arrested. It a shame they didn't shoot him at least once...

Emergency Session

2009-11-05T10:52:00.003-05:00

So apparently I've been in a hypomanic state for almost two weeks now, according to my mother. Holy crap, how could I not have noticed? The lack of sleep, the increasing irritability, the constant feeling flip. Pfft...I feel normal! Dammit, I hate having to take all these pills to feel normal.

I have to go see Therapist today to get things sorted and to set up the stupid tracking system. When a person with BD had a manic or a hypomanic state, they have to be monitored to make sure they aren't a danger to themselves or others. During my depression, I tend to turn all my feelings inward. When I'm hypomanic, my emotions go out towards other people. So this is the time when I'll declare my love for you or when I'll threaten to gut you and wear your entrails to keep me warm. Hence the anger management classes and other bureaucratic bullshit that I've had to go through.

Other than the tracking, I don't mind the hypomanic state. I can get things done and I tend to be more creative. It's almost like a constant state of euphoria, but without much sleep. But if I'm around other people, I can get easily annoyed. I'm also much less tolerant and a little more close minded. I tend to regress just a bit back to being a spoiled brat (I want what I want when I want it now!). If things go badly, I lose my shit. I guess I can call this my Veruca Salt stage.

The only thing that worries me is that this could be the start of rapid cycling. Between the 3 depressive states I've already had this year and now this, I'm worried that my BD could spin a little out of control. I don't want to get to the point where the tiniest little thing could be a trigger. Fuck.

Stupid brain...

Annoyed

2009-11-04T12:28:00.003-05:00

There is a reason I have a soft rule about having friends who are much younger than me (I say soft since this rule obviously isn't always followed). People around the ages of 18 to 24 tend to be shockingly self absorbed (I was no exception). They operate on a completely different plane than people who are even just a year or two (or five!) older. They are stuck in the hellish limbo of thinking like a child/teenager but living in a grown up world. They haven't yet acquired the adult way of thinking nor the adult emotions required to cope with life as it comes at them. Nor do they understand that they and they alone are responsible for the things in their life. They tend to be stuck in the blame game, ie "It's her fault this is happening to me" or "My boss had it out for me. That's why I got fired." But this is a pretty broad generalization. There are people who are exceptions to this.

E2 is not one of the exceptions.

I have just about had it with her and her whiny excuses for what goes on around her. As if she were a victim of powers more nefarious than her own decisions and lifestyle choices. Hey babe, if you're reading this (highly unlikely), here are a few tips to help you navigate through life:

Stop allowing other people to dictate how your life goes. Only you can do that. YOU decide how your day goes not anyone else. It's a choice to have a good day. Make it.
Stop blaming other people for the things that go wrong in your life. Analyze the problem and find the root. 9 times out of 10, you'll find the the problem started with a decision you made. Own up to it and fix it yourself.
Of course sometimes it can be traced to someone else. When that happens, CALL THAT MOTHERFUCKER OUT. Don't let them get away with messing with you. And don't take take the blame when it isn't yours to take.
When you make a promise to someone, KEEP IT!!! To negate or renege on that promise makes you a shitty friend and an asshole. You're about to lose one hell of a good friend now because of it (that would be me).
Stop letting life happen to you. Start making things happen. You chose to go into the Navy. Excellent! Now that you know what you're going to do start making active steps towards getting yourself to where you need to be. All this random fucking around will get you nowhere.
Stop thinking with your vagina. You know better than that.
Be a goddamn grownup and stop whining about the same shit that keeps happening to you (because you keep doing the same shit) like a petulant child.
Stop dwelling on the past. That will get you nowhere.

I know a lot of that was the same shit over and over again, but sometime reiteration is key.

I wrote this because for the first time in a very long time I'm considering letting go of a friend. It happens so infrequently that I have to dwell on it for a bit to be sure that it's the right decision. My friends are aware that once we have solidified our friendship, there isn't anything that I won't do for them. E2 not only knows this but she's starting to take advantage of it. And besides people who talk during movies, people who condescend to other people, two faced people and warm public seats (ick!), there isn't anything that I hate more.

I hope that E2 does read this and take it to heart, but it's highly doubtful. And even if she did, there's a slim chance that she'll take it the right way. What 22-year-old wants to hear about their failings? None.

In the meantime, I have to do what I need to do to keep my life from spinning out of control along with hers. That may mean disconnecting from her (and V-Love, Jolly Roger, and their whole crew) for awhile if not forever.

Life sucks sometimes.

Cannonball Read 2: # 1 - Until I Find You by John Irving

2009-11-04T11:59:00.005-05:00

John Irving is one of my favorite authors simply because he presents fucked up characters and he then proceeds to tell you exactly why his characters are so psychologically screwed in the head, detail by minute detail. No small idiosyncratic happening escapes his descriptions. I love that not only can I picture the person he describes, but I can relate to them in a way that I wouldn't have thought possible simply by knowing why they are the way they are.

Until I Find You has a lot of the same themes and place settings as in his many other books. For background, you have Toronto, New England, Europe (various ports), as well as a few newer places like California. He also incorporates wrestling, brother/sister relationships, book writing authors, and the fucked up family.

***Slight Spoilers***

This book follows Jack Burns from infancy through his adult life. As is often with John Irving books, it tells of how sex tends to be the root of psychological dysfunction in his characters. This is shown through Jack's mother, Alice, in her devotion to the man who knocked her up, including following him halfway around the world with little Jack in tow. It's shown through Jack's sexual abuse at the hands of his babysitter and later on his obsession with transvestism in his career as a theatre and Hollywood actor. It includes his loving but severely flawed older step-sister, his completely self-absorbed-to-the-point-of-negligence mother, and how his relationships with the two of them affect everything in his life.

This book also contains one of my favorite quotes ever:

"I'm looking for a couple of lesbians"

Seriously, try slipping that into a conversation and see how that goes. Always hilarious reactions and results...

It would take forever to enumerate the number of plot points in this book, let alone tell you what they were. Just know that once you jump in, it's pretty easy to follow along. All in all, this book was a long but never tedious telling of the life of a man who survived a completely fucked childhood to come out on the other side...well...not really clean or cured, but with a general understanding of the person he's supposed to be. Which is, quite honestly, what we're all really looking for. Not really a happy Disney ending, but just a general (if broad) understanding of our place in this life.

You'll have a lot of laughs, a few gasps, and a bunch of "What the fuck...?" moments in this book, but in the end, it settles in you like an excellently prepared meal. With a lot of alcohol to wash it down...

Stupid Morals...

2009-11-03T08:23:00.004-05:00

I gave the earrings back. I really hated to do that (They were emerald! They would have gone with EVERYTHING!!!), but I had to do what's right (stupid parents raising me right and shit...). I'm pretty sure I got everything cleared up in the whole "are we/aren't we" situation, so that's good. Whew! Guys are exhausting...

I went to a BBQ at Jolly Roger's last night. I took Mohawk with me. It was a pretty good time. A little food, some beer and a few jazzy people. It was a good night. I was slightly annoyed by Mohawk, but he's pretty young (22), so that's to be expected. And since he's such a great person (his mama raised him right), I can put up with a few annoyances here and there for the sake of his friendship.

E2 texted me in the wee hours of the morning. Apparently, there are some issues brewing between her and V-Love. Of course there are! So she's going to come and stay with me for a bit and get things sorted. Dear Lord, what am I bringing into my house? I'll need to sit her down and explain that my place is a drama free zone. There will be no fighting, screaming, yelling, or anything else that will bring the cops. Man, I don't miss having roommates! I like that I'm able to help my friends, but I probably need to be careful that she doesn't take advantage.

Today will be a busy day. Work, teaching, pick up abuelita, school, clean. I'm tired just thinking about it. But I'm immensely happy...

Switch!!

2009-11-02T14:57:00.003-05:00

So this post was supposed to be about how all of the people who volunteered to help me move this weekend (Sinner, E2, V-Love, Jolly Roger*) bailed on me last minute (the fuckers!)**, but something else has come up.

I may have gone too far with a friend of mine. Skye, the Pajiban lurker that I met last week, doesn't know about this blog (yet!), so I'm safe for now. I thought that we were to be friends, so I settled into my friend zone talk about any and everything, whenever he called or texted. Last night, we joked and teased over texts about sex and other naughty things. It was silly, not-so-innocent fun. Or so I thought...

Cut to today around noon when he surprises me with a present. Earrings. And they weren't cheap earrings, either. The card attached said:

"I saw these and thought you might like them. They're bright and bold like you. Wear them and think of me. Skye"

Ummm...what?! I'm almost positive that I haven't given him any indication of us actually dating, for one thing. For another, where the hell did he come up with that card. It sounds like something from a Nicholas Sparks novel (I plead the fifth on actually know that!). And finally, WHAT?!?!

So what did I do? I kept the earrings and I plan to talk to him about this later tonight. Surely, I can keep the earrings and stay friends with him, right? Right?!

Fuck...

P.S. I know Skye seems like a cheesy motherfucker, but he actually is a pretty cool guy. You guys will have to trust me on that...

*Yeah, I'm changing his name back. DB is right; Vegas is fucking moronic.
**And you better believe I bitched them out about bailing on me too. I made Sinner cry (sorry about that, love!) I haven't had the chance to rip Jolly Roger a new asshole yet, but his time will come...
Also, I actually did have some help moving from Mohawk, the only person that volunteered and stuck to his promise. He's my new fake boyfriend...

Long Talks With Drama On The Side Starring Trouble

2009-10-28T09:06:00.003-04:00

I don't even know what to say about yesterday. It was at times completely amazing and at other times shitballs retarded. Because so many things happened (and I'm running on ZERO sleep), here are yesterday's events in bullet form:

Woke up at 5 am and moved the majority of my clothes into the condo.
Went to work and had a crazy, busy day (the kind that I love!).
Left work early to teach ballroom dance to the kiddies and got lost on the way there. Horribly lost.
Taught ballroom dance to the cutest, craziest, out-of-control kids outside of my own family. And I did an awesome job and had so much fun.
Realized one of my life's callings (teaching kids).
Couldn't get in touch with mi madre so I had to cancel the visit.
Went home and took a lovely 2 1/2 hour nap.
Woke up, got dressed and headed out to V-Love's (E2's girlfriend/ex-girlfriend) birthday party.
Got 2 miles away and turned around because I forgot my damn phone.
Showed up at Cigarz and waited around for almost an hour because V-Love was late.
Attendees for the 21st bday party: V-Love (obvs), E2, Jolly Roger, Debate, HH (Jolly Roger's little brother), Pretty Girl (HH's girlfriend), BBM, Drunken Gay, and Mohawk.
We drank, laughed, danced, and drank some more.
The drunker everyone got, the more drama erupted.
There is no drama like young lesbian drama (E2 is 22 and V-Love is 21).
We took the drama back to Jolly Roger's place, where the drama escalated to punches being thrown and choking, accompanied by door slamming and screaming.
After the drama cooled down, guitars were played, cigarettes were smoked, more drinks were mixed, then everyone passed out (except for me and Jolly Roger).
Jolly Roger and I talked out the bullshit that went down the other day. He apologized profusely and was genuinely sorry. I'd already forgiven him and told him so.
We continued talking and got a lot of things out in the open. A quick glance at the clock and I realized that I had to be at work in an hour.
Laughed, joking, made out for the last hour before I left (no judgements, people!)
Got caught in brain numbing traffic as I tried to rush to work and ended up being almost a half hour late.
Wrote this blog.

I'm just waiting for the sheer exhaustion to kick in at this point. Oh, and bonus! I'm moving the rest of my crap today. When? Right after work. Awesome.

The bitchiness and rage may make a short cameo appearance sometime today. You have been warned. Please be prepared for the fallout.

Quick note: Hello to E2, V-Love, and Jolly Roger! I spilled the beans about this blog to them last night (again!), so I do believe they'll stop by to say hello. Hello! Also, Jolly Roger HATES his blog name. My first instinct was to tell him to suck it, but I'm (trying to be) the kinder, gentler Trouble. So from now on Jolly Roger will now be called Vegas (my choice, not his). This will take some getting used to...

Where The Internet And Real Life Meet...

2009-10-27T12:48:00.003-04:00

So in my last post, I went on and on about what assholes (some) men were. Yeah...

I ran a few errands downtown yesterday on my lunch hours (changing addresses, blah, blah, blah). While I was setting up an account with my new dry cleaners, a decent looking guy strolled in with a big pile of clothes. He was tall, normal build, brown hair and eyes. Plain, but attractive. He laughed and joked with the people behind the counter as he filled out his forms. He glanced over at me a few times, but I didn't think anything of it. As I stepped outside, he was there, smoking a cigarette.

He gave me a quick smile and asked my name. I hesitated. Random guy, goes to my dry cleaner. Hmmm...I was being supremely paranoid, but I'm a single chick who lives alone. It PAYS to be a little paranoid. Ultimately, my inner struggle on lasted about three seconds before I told him my name. He waxed a bit about how beautiful my name was (I never get tired of hearing that!) and then he says:

"My name is _____ (we'll call him Skye) and I would like to take you for ice cream."

Me: What?! Now?!
Skye: Sure. Why not?
Me: Really? Shall I list the reasons? 1) I have to go back to work 2) I don't know you 3) It's too weird and random for ice cream right now...
Skye (interrupting): It's always time for ice cream...
Me: You do have a point...

He was silly and sweet, so I decided to be a bit nicer. I took his number with the promise to text (I did have to go back to work). I gave him a quick text a couple of hours later and we were off. We went back and forth for a bit, trading info about each other, for about 4 or 5 hours (Geez, I just realized that!). Around 7, he suggested meeting for ice cream again.

What the hell. Why not?

So I met up with him at a Cold Stone (sweet!) and had a good time. We talked and laughed and I figured I had a new friend. Until he said this:

"Have you ever heard of a website called Pajiba?"

Holy hell. I think I'm in love...

He's a lurker (like me!) but he knows everyone on there! So we laughed and joked and talked about the people on there (only good things, I swear!). He was a very chill, down to earth guy that I'm probably going to see again.

So, are all men assholes? Yes, unless they're Pajibans. Then they are fucking awesome...

Why Some Men Are Assholes...

2009-10-26T08:45:00.004-04:00

Because they can't keep it in their pants.

I haven't written about my BFF Leo in awhile. The reason? A few weeks ago, he decided that he wanted to ruin our friendship by trying to talk me into fucking him. I got supremely pissed off and stopped talking to him. I didn't tell anyone about it (not even Trae and Sunny) because, to be honest, I was embarrassed. I KNOW that I didn't do anything wrong, nor did I do anything to encourage him, but I still felt...dirty. And I didn't know why...

Cut to Thursday night. Biszechuan came into town and wanted to party at HHN. She'd invited a few people I knew, including Hay. Now I haven't really seen nor heard from Hay since the night I hung out at his house and watched movies. I assumed he had a new girlfriend (since that's when most of my guy friends stop communicating with me regularly). Well, he doesn't. He just stopped...because. I never got an actual reason. And then what does he do? He tries to fuck me. After weeks of no contact and with the offer of a "friends with benefits" label. Ooooh, lucky me!

After this, I was pretty upset. I jetted out of there to head up to Cigarz to see E2, her girlfriend, and Magnet. Jolly Roger was there as well. So we all hung out and drank (just what I needed) and I got to stay late since I didn't have to work the next day. We went back to Jolly Roger's place afterward to hang out for a bit. Then my phone started blowing up. It was Hay, wondering where I was and if I would come over. Apparently, I hadn't gotten the point across earlier by telling him to fuck off and die. So I used small words and a calming tone to tell him that he was an asshole for trying to destroy our friendship simply because he was horny. If he wanted to fuck someone, OBT was always open.

So after finally just turning my phone off (he would keep calling after I hung up on him), it was about 5 in the morning. I was still at Jolly Roger's with E2 and her girlfriend. I was exhausted and upset and now I had a 45 minute ride home to get through without falling asleep at the wheel. E2 left with her girl and Jolly Roger wanted to talk me down from being so upset. I let him because I wanted to get a guy's point of view on what was going on. We talked and it helped. We drank a little more and listened to some of his music (holy hell, is this kid talented!). By the time, I looked up it was 6:12 in the morning. Way too fucking late. He suggested that I stay over and I agreed (that would have been a long fucking drive). We jumped into bed and I started to fall asleep. Next thing I know, his hands are roaming. Yup, he tried to fuck me too (and didn't succeed. I don't do the casual sex thing). In this case, I didn't mind so much at first since I still had a lovely crush on him. But the more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. He sat there and listened to me tell him about the shit that I went through with Leo and Hay, and then he did the same goddamn thing, giving me the "I'm a guy" excuse. What. The. Fuck.

I was angry, at all three of them. I'm still angry. But they are my friends. I don't use that word indiscriminately. Friends are like family to me. And as family, they are allowed to fuck up every once in a while. I can forgive them and, in fact, I already have (Leo sent me flowers this morning). Of course, I plan to rag on them every chance I get for their shithead antics. And I'm really good at that. Payback, motherfuckers...

Here is where my head gets stuck: Will it always be difficult to have single guy friends? I've always held up Leo and Hay as my examples of a friendship between a man and a woman that didn't get bogged down by sex or romantic feelings for each other. Now that they've proven that to be wrong, will I always have this issue with men? I will go along with a great friendship with a guy and now I will always wonder when he'll want to fuck me. I hate that. Have I been this naive all along? Have all of my buddies been trying to do me and I brushed it off as joking? Now I'm thrown off.

Stupid penises. They fuck up everything...

BEST. WEEK. EVER.

2009-10-22T15:32:00.002-04:00

I just saw Bear Grylls! He was sitting at the restaurant next to me with his family. His family got up to leave and he stayed behind to pay the bill (25% tip, according to his server). When he got up to go, he gave me a nod and a smile.

My panties then slid to the floor.

Life Is Good

2009-10-22T08:41:00.003-04:00

On Monday, I decided to be more positive on Facebook. Usually, I'm a screaming ball of rage, spewing bile and vitriol about any and everything. I took a step back looked at my ragey, ragey posts and decided to go in the opposite direction. I even invited people to take bets on how long I would last (it ranged from 2 hours to 2 days). I had doubts myself. Amazingly, there were a lot of positive things going on around me and it didn't take much to find good things to talk about and appreciate. I haven't been at a loss for things to post nor have I had to search really hard to be positive.

The best part? Once I started being more positive, life got a hell of a lot better! Suddenly, there was free ice cream to be had, my schedule started falling into place, I won Magic tickets, and my friends were more appreciative towards my new positive attitude. It was pretty great. I'm going to try to keep it up for a week and then see how things go. I really like that a simple declaration on FB spilled out into real life. Awesome.

Bonus:

Those Magic tickets I won? It was a charity auction at work. I bid $25 for four lower bowl seats (they were fantastic seats) for a game against the Pacers (a guaranteed win). I celebrated on FB and asked who would like to go. Who was the first person to respond? Jolly Roger. He's a huge fan and jumped at the chance to go. So we went along with Lil Bit and another friend of mine from work, Serbia (good looking, fun guy that I like to tease for having too many girlfriends). We had a fucking blast! Even with the $9 beers (I almost cried when I bought the first round!). We yelled, hollered, screamed, laughed, joked, and, in general, had my dream night: hanging out with friends and having a good time.

Afterward, Jolly Roger and I headed up to Cigarz where Magnet was hanging out. And it was more drinking, laughing, and talking with cool people. I loved it. I almost never get to just hang out with a group of genuinely chill people. I'm usually home studying or working. I got to flex my socializing skills. And I rocked them...

As for Jolly Roger? I think I can consider that crush back on. We talked a lot and discovered that we have so many similarities. Geez, how can my feelings run so hot and cold with this guy? I should establish feelings for him and stick with it. Too bad my crazy brain isn't cooperating with that plan. Stupid brain! Try and follow some logic for once....

What turned the crush back on? His attentiveness. At first, when I picked him up, he was subdued and a little standoffish. After we got to the game and relaxed, he was normal, affable, fun Jolly Roger. When I mentioned this to him, he seemed genuinely surprised. He joked that he's a good listener (which is actually true) and that he was trying to get me to talk. After that he made a conscious effort to be more engaging. I liked that. It was almost to the point that last night felt like a date (but it wasn't!). I even got a good night kiss (an almost perfunctory peck, but still very sweet). And I got the check in phone call, where he called me to make sure I made it home okay. We stayed on the phone for another 15 minutes, chatting and laughing about the night. It was nice. Does he reciprocate my crush? It certainly seems so, but I guess I'll have to wait and see. For now, I'm going to enjoy this awesome friendship with a great guy.

Tonight, it's going to be a Drunken Scary Monkey Madness night. Biszechuan is coming in town (E2 is dying to meet her)and we're going to get customarily crazy with old friends tonight. I haven't seen this crazy girl in months and this will be my only night for a few months. I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it. We're pre-gaming at Ale house (to get proper drunk cheaply), then we're heading to Halloween Horror Nights to get drunkenly scared by the poor underpaid college students that have to deal with all the other drunken assholes out there. Going to be a good time!

I rocked my midterms! A 96%, a 98%, and a 104%. Hells yes. I totally fucked the curve on that last one. I bet those little kids are calling me a cunt riiiiiight now...

I'm taking tomorrow off work to rest up and to get some actual packing and planning done. Also, I need to finish putting a project together for school. I have two weeks of vacation left this year and I want to use them up slowly.

See all the great stuff that happening simply by being positive on a social networking site? When I told mi madre all of this, she says that I'm highly favored in the eyes of the Lord. Really? I'll take that! He has blessed me with a lot of awesome, so he's my homeboy!

Talk to y'all later!

Yes, I said "y'all"! I'm from the South (sort of!). It's allowed. Wanna fight about it?! Hahahahaha...

Not Interested

2009-10-16T07:53:00.004-04:00

What a motherfucking revelation I had last night. I am not interested in anyone. It is teh suck...

Pretty and E2 arranged a little get-together last night for a few of us. Those two, me, Pretty's brother, Asshole, and Pretty's friends, Ginger and Shorty. We met up at Cigarz and headed over to Halloween Horror Nights. It was a good and tipsy time where we acted the fool and had some fun. Since I love those crazy bitches, so I was glad I went out.

Here's the fucking crazy bit: There were some pretty decent looking guys out for once. Asshole, Shorty and Ginger are pretty good-looking guys (Asshole is married and Ginger has a pretty killer body). Jolly Roger joined us somewhere in the middle. We ran into another friend, Debate (killer body there too). Now I've known all of these guys for quite some time. How was it that I didn't notice how attractive they were (Jolly Roger being the lone exception)? Then it hit me: I wasn't attracted or interested in any of them. At all. Not even in the least little bit. Here are a few viable options; I should be setting out lures and flirting them into submission. But the thought never even crossed my mind. At first, I marked it up to the guys not being interesting or being dull and nowhere near my type, but that is completely untrue. Asshole and I are ego monsters, so we laugh, joke, make fun of people and get along great (he's married so that's probably the main reason!). Shorty was a silly, cute guy who made intelligent funny observations and was cool with being teased incessantly (I do love that!). Ginger was a self deprecating, understated hottie with a dry humor (very cool guy). I've said enough about Jolly Roger (although that crush is long gone. Why? Don't know. It's just gone.). Debate, besides having a stacked physique, is a ridiculously intelligent guy with opinions and interesting things to say. He also has supreme will power and actual goals. Why am I not attracted to that?

The answer: Because I've got other shit to do. As much as I thought that I wanted a relationship, I have zero time to maintain or put any effort into one. Additionally, as attractive (physically or mentally) as these guys are, none of them...um...light my fire, so to speak. You know that burning crush of desire or infatuation that you get from someone? It could happen right away or develop slowly so that you're engulfed before you even know you were in danger of being burned? That's what I'm looking for. Something epic. What is it that I'm seeing in every guy around me? Ordinary. Plain. Tofu (a friend of mine used this to describe someone and it cracked my shit up! I'm stealin' it).

The best thing about all of this is that I get to keep these gorgeous guys as friends. I get to laugh, tease, and flirt harmlessly with them and then go on about my way. Not a bad deal really.

Quick side note: Pretty and E2 are seriously infatuated with each other. I knew E2 would have a little crush on Pretty, but I had no clue it would be reciprocated. She's married after all. But lo and behold, they snuck around every little corner to make out last night. What should I even say about that? I'm sure my guy friends would love for me to just video tape it and post it for their viewing (I'm working on it, fellas!). But as a friend, I'm a little conflicted. I know Pretty is unhappy in her marriage and I want her to be happy, but I absolutely can't condone what she's doing. It was silly and funny at first, but now I'm worried that things may get out of hand. Then again, she's an adult with full knowledge of the consequences, so I should simply advise her and then step back. Right?

Pffft, this life thing is hard.

P.S. Hi, E2! If you actually remembered the name of my blog, I know that you're reading this and trying to sort through the names. Good luck! And remember, no judgements!

Cannonball Read 2: OHGODIMAYNEVERRECOVER

2009-10-14T09:19:00.003-04:00

So my favorite website, Pajiba, has decided to do a Cannonball Read again this year. The participants will have one year to read 52 books and write reviews on what they've read. I was hesitant to join last year since I was finishing up the hell year that was school and they were reading 100 books in one year. This year I want to join but I am a little anxious. Why? Because I read such CRAP books! Really I do... Now I will honestly read whatever is in front of me but that tends to be random paperbacks. I've read them all: Sidney Sheldon (RIP), Sandra Brown, Nora Roberts (Oh God, help me!), Robert Ludlum, even (shudder) Danielle Steele, James Patterson, John Irving (who I actually love). Gah!

I've never been affected by the awful reputations that some of these authors have. I didn't care. I just want to to read something. Books are the main link I have with my daddy. They were the one thing he never, ever denied me (not that I was denied much. I was, and still am, a spoiled brat). We bonded and connected over whatever he came across and handed over to me. I'm eternally grateful for him not having a bias on what he gave me to read. I will read the most interminable dreck. But I'm actually excited about getting to explore other authors. This is the perfect time to read more Neil Gaiman! I've been wanting to read more of his books (I've only read two!). Plus, I'm counting on the Pajibites to hook it up with a few other notable authors that are worth exploring.

The problem will come when I will have to review the books. I'm the type of person who will say, "Meh, I liked it." or "Pfft, it sucked." and that's it. Now I will have to analyze and go through what I liked or didn't like about it. Greeeeaaaaaat! This should be interesting.

So away I go with the reviews. I will try my best to keep up with other things in my life as well, for my non-Pajiban followers. But we all know that I lazy and self diagnosed with ADD, so we'll see how well that holds up.

For My Ladies...

2009-10-13T15:00:00.004-04:00

My Pajiba pals have heard this quote many time (so has Miss K), but I'm resurrecting it for my best lady pals. How does Neil Gaiman always know EXACTLY how I'm feeling? It's like he's in my head, except he's better able to express how I'm feeling. When I first read this quote, I was getting over a nasty breakup. After reading it, I cried for hours, wondering how someone could know what I was going through. It helped me (albeit very little) to know that someone else knew what the pain was like and that I would probably get over it (or be arrested for homicide; that guy was a sadistic douche).

Anyway, this quote is for Miss K, Lil Bit, Krypto, and gp (sorry I left you out in my last post, love!). Read it, love it, cry over it, and then let's get drunk...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

The bar is now open...

Die, Tuesday. Just Die...

2009-10-13T08:17:00.002-04:00

First thing I saw when I woke up this morning? A text from Lil Bit saying, "He broke up w/me". What a goddamn awful way to kick start my day. Not that I'm blaming her. Her now ex-boyfriend is an asshole that I hope gets Paris Hilton strength herpes. He pursued her, won her, then dumped her all in the space of about two months. Not including the six months they were together 5 years ago. Men are fucking scum.

Second craptacular thing? My favorite Kate Spade bag broke this morning and spilled all of my things to the ground. Motherfucker! I just found that damn bag when I was packing and I was so excited to wear it again.

Third shitty happening? Facebook has decided that I'm a threat or something and I can't log into my account. I don't know what's worse: not being able to log in or being so addicted that it ruins my day when I can't log in.

I'm hating the world a bit today, but I'm hoping it will get better. Hope. See? I'm not all-the-way-though evil yet...

Tuesday? Fuck off. Tomorrow is No Whining Wednesday so here's hoping things will be better...

To Sum Up...

2009-10-12T15:14:00.004-04:00

Friday: Work, then class, then work at the bar. It was actually a good night. I had my favourite (for you, admin) section, which was made even better by a huge group of Asian girls. Their total bill was around $135. My tips from them? $90. Fuck yes. And they told my boss that I was the best they've ever had (what I've heard from men many times...). Total take home: $150 (it was a slow night).

Saturday: Called into the bar to go to Food and Wine Festival at Epcot for Sinner's birthday. Spent every goddamn cent I'd made at the bar, plus some. Totally worth it. It was boiling hot during the day, so the alcohol we consumed was absorbed quickly and we ended up giggling through Germany like a bunch of drunken high schoolers. I couldn't control my filthy mouth around the little kiddies so there were a lot of dirty looks from parents. But we did get a lot of kudos from other drunken revelers. Three cheers! The day ended with me renting a wheelchair so I could drink and eat without have to worry about walking too. Who's awesome? This chick...

Sunday: Ran up to Tampa to grab some meds for my grandma. Then came home to start packing up the house. Twelve boxes later, I've only gotten through my books, DVDs, and other random crap. Plus, I threw anyway six bags of garbage. I haven't even started on my clothes or shoes. Add in all my bathroom and kitchen crap and this is going to be a loooooong move. God help me...

Random tics:

Krypto's mom got a heart transplant this weekend! Praise the Lord! We've been praying for this for awhile. She came through the surgery successfully and now she's recovering.
Sinner and her husband have a strange dynamic. I'd never noticed it before. She complains about her husband (as all wives I know do), but he complains about her too. It was weird. I need to talk to her some more...
Lil Bit is worried about her boyfriend. He's stationed in Texas for his last few months in the army, but she hasn't heard from him. Since all the cell towers have been wonky lately, I told her not to panic, but deep down, I'm a little worried.
Krypto has a man! He's sweet, attentive, and really likes her. There's a story there, but I want to wait until I meet him before I get into it too much. I'm prone to judging harshly...
I damn near had to put my foot up AT&T's ass today. I paid my bill 10 days early and they shut off my phone, even though I had a zero balance! Why? Because I'd made arrangements to pay them on a certain day and I didn't. WTF? When I explained (not so calmly) that I'd paid early, the long suffering (but slightly slow-witted) operator explained to me that their system wasn't advanced enough to comprehend that the bill was already paid. All it knew was that I didn't pay on that date. Time to switch to another carrier...
Midterms went swimmingly last week. One more this week and I'm taking a week off (joking).
I was completely trounced by a guy I'd been Internet dating. He pulled a Medic. Luckily, I hadn't gotten as attached (in fact, we hadn't met) so it only stung a bit and I was over it by the time the next hot guy walked by.
Apparently, I'm a magnet for phone and text sex. Right now, there are three guys who call or text me for millennial sex (as my bff calls it). For some reason, it doesn't really offend me. I kind of like it. It's a disease free way to keep up my skills in what seems like it will be a loooooong dry spell. Keep it coming, guys. Just know that during the week, I'm asleep by 10. I got shit to do early in the morning...
I start training at Arthur Murray this week to teach ballroom dance to the little kiddies. Actually, I will be able to pick whether I want to work with elementary, middle, or high schoolers. This is going to be so much fun. Trouble: corrupting children, one kid at a time...

That's all, my lovelies. There will be more later. I'm hoping for a good week, so I'll have to start telling my naughty cruise ship stories to keep things interesting around here...

Happy No Whining Wednesday!

2009-10-07T11:52:00.004-04:00

I was stressing over the condo.

Boom! I was approved today and I move in at the end of the month.

I was stressing over my lack of funds.

Bam! I just picked up a catering shift plus a bar shift tonight.

I was stressed over school.

Pow! My professor just gave me a few other options that sound truly excellent.

I was stressed about not being able to go to Sinner's birthday get together this weekend.

Ka-pow! I just switched shifts to work on Friday instead.

I was stressed about how long this slide would last.

Bang! I should be out in the next week or so. And I already feel better.

Happy No Whining Wednesday!

The Friend Zone

2009-10-06T12:22:00.002-04:00

It sucks. But I can deal with it. At least I still get a pretty jazzy friend out of the deal. Plus, guitar lessons! A girl could do worse...

Stupid guys...

I Think It's Over...

2009-10-06T08:15:00.002-04:00

And by that, I mean school...

I was told by my faculty committee that I have a slim chance of getting into the doctorate program. Why? Because I'm too young and inexperienced. Fan-fucking-tastic...

Apparently, they only accept 20 people per year and it's usually people who have already worked in the field for at least 5 years. Yeah? What about those of us who can't get a job in the field because the economy has gone to shit? I've done nothing but work my ass off to graduate with honors (magna cum laude, bitches) and this is what I get?! No job and rejection into a higher education program? Fuckers...

Not a good way to start out the week, assholes...

Confusion and Awesomeness

2009-10-05T09:30:00.004-04:00

Confusion

I have a crush on Jolly Roger. No big surprise. But I ultimately I thought that I understood that we were probably not very well suited. We are the same age but in very different places in our lives. Now things are slightly different. We spent a night together this weekend. Not in that way, but in a pretty cool situation. After the bars closed on Saturday, a group of us went back to his place to drink, smoke, laugh, and talk (I love get-togethers like that). During our impromptu party, Jolly Roger pulls out his guitar and starts playing. Holy fucking shit, he's good. He's very good. What is it about musicians that makes womens' panties fall off? Everyone else listened, hung out for a bit more and then left. I stayed listened to his music some more and he gave me a few lessons. It wasn't sweet and romantic. It was hard and painful actually. He was adamant about the fact that I could play and play well. It was pretty great, actually. After that, I gave him ballroom lessons (we had originally decided to exchange guitar lessons for food, but I wanted to see how he did at dancing. A white guy with rhythm? I was too giddy). He was kind of rusty with the Fox Trot, but he was amazing with the waltz. I was a little in love with him after that. We hung out until the sun came up and I headed home with merely a few hugs (no making out this time).

We talked. A lot. He told me about his family and I told him a bit about mine. He told me about his aimlessness and I told him about my BD. It was weird and uncomfortable and completely great.

I was (and still am) attracted to to his quiet sense of self, his open heart and friendly nature. How weird this all is, seeing as how he didn't even register with me at first. Even now, I don't really know him well. When the crush first started to hit me, I just assumed it was a physical thing. He is very much my type: tall, thin, white guy with gorgeous eyes. But my attraction to him isn't physical, otherwise I would have slept with him and left it at that. There's so much more to him that his gorgeous face no longer even registers with me. I want to talk to him and build an actual friendship with him. He is one of those people who is so great to have around even when he isn't saying anything. His presence makes everything okay. It's weird.

His best friend, E2, and I have become pretty good buddies. She's a blast to be around and she genuinely cares for her friends, so I really love this chick. She's let it slip that she and Jolly Roger slept together. After my initial, internal WTF moment (she's a pretty hardcore lezzie), I let it slide. They are best friends. Who knows what happens when alcohol and whatnot is involved? (We all like to drink copiously and to have a little green.)

So what do I do now? Nothing. I think I just want to be friends with him for now and all will be well. Can I be content with just being friends? Abso-fucking-lutely. He's an awesome person and I like having him around. Am I confused and conflicted about him? Abso-bloody-lutely. But I'm a grown up (kind of) and I can handle it (cue breakdown in 3...2...1...).

Awesomeness

I've been praying for a different part time job. Working at the karaoke bar was getting too stressful from having to deal with cunty managers, slutty servers, backstabbing bartenders, and then idiotic drunken guests with the brains of unborn gnats. After working a full time job and going to school full time, I was tired enough without adding any extra crap. I tried to cut back my hours, citing my day job and school, and I got a ration of shit, non-stop scheduling mistakes, and nothing but more stress. I was done with that place. I wanted to burn it down with everyone in it. Luckily, I have been scheduled the last few weeks, so I haven't had to deal with anyone there at all. Man, I hate that place.

I just received a job offer. From a former place of employment. Where? Arthur fucking Murray Dance Studios. And get this: I'll be teaching kids! Yay! Arthur Murray has recently started to integrate into the school system here. They've asked me to come back and teach for them part time at the schools. Since my major is in education, this is right up my alley and I can possibly receive school credit for it. And I can choose which school I want to teach. Holy hell, could a job be more perfect for me? And it's coming at the perfect time. Praise the Lord!

I might drop my status at the bar just to keep my benefits, but (hopefully!) gone are the days where I depend on that place for cash. And good riddance to the nasty fuckers who work in there...

There's more stuff from the weekend, but since I'm running on zero sleep, I'll have to get into it later. I need to try and sleep under my desk today...

The Good, The Bad, and The Ridiculous

2009-10-02T14:06:00.004-04:00

The Good

I just got a condo and I'm moving at the end of the month. It's absolutely perfect for me and I can't wait.
I'm functioning perfectly with the meds. I feel almost normal during the day and less suicidal and depressed at night. Special bonus: The insomnia is almost gone...
Still rocking all As in my classes. Of course, it helped that I had the insomnia, but I can work around that.
My crazy friend, J-Rock, came into town and we've had a blast for the last week. Nothing like old friends to shake of the monotony off a depressed life.
I still have a thing for Jolly Roger and he's starting to develop one for me. Yup, after only 5 months. Slow and steady, that's me. Call me Trouble the Tortoise.
I've been getting hit on a lot more frequently, which is a HUGE self esteem boost, even if it is by vagrants and general undesirables.
Sinner's birthday is coming up and we're going to the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. Oh man, this is my favorite event in Orlando. And I get to share it with some of the drink-ingest bitches in this town. Yee-haw!

The Bad

The new condo is putting me in a bit of a financial tailspin. I have the money for it, but now I have to do some major shuffling around. Plus, no more shopping for a bit until my bank account recovers from the shock of missing money.
Thanks to the assistant manager, MegaCunt, from my bar, I've had zero hours scheduled. So I'm missing out on the extra $100 to $150 per week that I'm used to. So that puts a strain on school bills, gas, and food. I've only requested one day off for this whole month and what day does MegaCunt schedule me? That fucking day. I may have to kill her...
Looking through and pre-cataloguing all of my things (for the move) makes me realize that I am going to have a MASSIVE amount of packing to do. If you've ever had to pack up 4 closets of clothes, shoes, accessories, and more, you understand where I'm coming from.

The Ridiculous

My Blackberry was stolen. To make matters worse, the asshole who stole it had the nerve to get angry when I shut the phone off. He called and bitched out the people at AT&T, not realizing that people can have their phones turned off instantly. What a cumstain.
A girl who works with me at the bar (we'll call her Whore, since that's what she is) is pregnant. Doesn't sound ridiculous, right? Except for the fact that she's pregnant by the host of the karaoke sets. Let's also throw in the fact that she's married to a guy who just recovered from open heart surgery and they have two kids. Did I mention that the host is also a Chippendale stripper and is moving to Dallas to open a show there? Yeah, and this is the bitch who is currently trying to get me fired. Fucking cunt. Like it's my fault that I make more money than you. Actually, it is my fault. Because I work harder than you. Two jobs and school full time, bitch. Try actually doing some work instead of bitching non-stop and opening your goddamn legs for every penis that walks by you (yes, everyone knows you let the ugly cook ass-fuck you). Get some self confidence, some self respect, and some goddamn morals and then you can be as awesome as me. And stop trying to copy my style. You will never look as good in a low cut top. Sorry to break it to you...
Miss K is having man trouble. Or specifically, her man just stopped talking to her, citing a bunch of bullshit. In essence, she going through what I went through with Medic. And my heart hurts so much along with hers. She was banking on him completely and he is completely crushing her. I could fucking murder this guy for doing this to her. Why did he work so hard to win her and her heart only to toss it aside, saying he's not sure? What kind of fuckery is that? Stop being so goddamn selfish, J. Miss K has a lot of shit to get done in a short amount of time and if you aren't going to hold up your side of the bargain, then not only does she have to deal with you being a fuckhole, but she now has to get all her shit together. Grow a pair and making a goddamn decision. Right-the-fuck-now.

That's about it, my lovelies. Thanks for being so wonderfully supportive during the first couple of weeks of my slide. I'm almost back to my old snarky self, so I'm feeling good. BTW, anyone who wants to help me move, PLEASE DO!! I'm promising beer, gourmet food (that I'll be cooking) and unlimited Beatles Rockband. Submit all info below...

Feeling "Normal"

2009-09-24T09:37:00.002-04:00

About damn time...

This new therapist had me very sceptical. I was to start telling people about my disorder, take new meds (a LOT of new meds), see her more frequently, and keep a journal of happenings? It sounded like a lot of stinkin' work and I didn't want to do it. I was completely happy with keeping everything under wraps and being secretive, taking three (as opposed to six or eight) pills a day, and relying on my spotty memory.* This new track wasn't what I wanted to do. This new shrink was not cool...

Thank God I was wrong! Because here I am, in the middle of a slide, feeling pretty damn good! Granted, it's daytime so the day meds are in full effect, but even discounting that I feel almost normal. And that is a blessing in itself...

Now Therapist told me that is would take awhile to get used to this new regiment and that I would feel worse before I felt better. She warned me, but as is my way, I completely disregarded that and threw myself a pity party. Pfft...

Now I'm not 100%. I still feel the "fog" and occasional bouts of deep "meh" and it's much worse at night. But I can get through my schedule without force, I can come up with ideas, I can compromise, and I can even socialize (briefly)! It's pretty fucking great. I can even be a little snarky without fear of backlash. Sah-weet....

I guess I'll keep this therapist after all...

*My old therapist wasn't bad. He was just old. And I tied his hands with my refusal to take his advice a lot. He didn't really have the energy to go up against my stubbornness. I can be a mega cunt when I want to be...

Sad Sack

2009-09-21T07:59:00.003-04:00

This is what really sucks about this slide: People know about it. And while it is a relief that my friends know that I'm not just being an asshole by not hanging out or by not making more of an effort to see them (or even being normal), I really hate that they know. How fucking contrary and ungrateful am I? Since this slide started, there has been an amazing outpouring of support from my flesh and Internet friends.* And all I can do is be resentful that they even know about this weakness. I got so pissed off last night that I cancelled plans that I had been looking forward to, just because I couldn't differentiate between empathy and pity. Stupid, stupid...

I'm tired of being a downer too. I get so sick of it myself and I've dealt with this for 10 years. I can't even think about how annoyed people around me could get if this drags on forever. Geez...

In the light of day (and on my day meds), I can see my overly melodramatic actions are ridiculous. No one is pitying me. All they are doing is letting me know that they are there if I need them and to let them know how I'm doing. I'm doing pretty well, actually. No bad (read: suicidal) thoughts at night. I'm not feeling hopeless or in despair. I just feel over it all. Almost apathetic, which is not a bad thing as it could be worse.

I keep to the schedule I've set up for myself, including forcing myself on outings. Thanks to Leo for forcing me out of the house yesterday. He rounded up a few people, including Trae, and we had a jazzy beach day. Except for one small episode.** I played guitar (badly) and we played Cornhole (hahaha) and Frisbee. I tried not to get into the water, but eventually was overcome enough by the pleasure in it. It was an excellent way to pull myself out of my head for awhile.

That's what's going on in my chemically imbalanced brain, people. I'm adjusting to everyone knowing a secret I've kept for years. It's going to be a good thing in the long run (I hope), but I'm still struggling with it.

More later...

*To my Internet people: I am so grateful to you guys! I've never met you but you have been amazingly supportive. Even more so than some of my flesh friends. Thank you so much for being there with advice, sympathy, liquor, and offers of homicide (in jest). You are the best.

**The small incident was a little terrifying. I fell asleep (which I needed since I'd been up for a few nights; stupid insomnia) and had a crazy slasher nightmare. I woke up screaming which freaked the guys out. They wanted to take me to the hospital (why? I don't know). When I finally calmed down, I took a swim which was probably the best thing for me.

Sliding Down...

2009-09-17T08:57:00.003-04:00

I'm heading into another depressive state. Which is really odd since I just had one a little over a month ago. That makes three this year.

I've become 200% more open about my bipolar disorder with people, but I'm hesitant to let it be known to everyone simply because they don't know how to deal with it. I've come across many different reactions in the past month or so, but the main one (from my friends) was understanding. But do they really understand? Do they understand that I'm basically trapped by my crazy brain? I want to be happy for them when things are going great and I want to join them in celebrations and things like that. My stupid brain keeps putting the brakes on anything enjoyable. And even worse it makes enjoyable thing mundane. I genuinely like to write, dance, read, laugh with friends, play guitar, and talk to people. But in a downswing I can't tolerate any of those things. I just want to pull the covers over my head and huddle into a big ball of blah. And this goes on for weeks.

Lately, I'm super sensitive to people using the word bipolar. It's almost always preceded by the word "crazy" and in a negative way. And they blame the person for their behavior as if it's a choice! Oh yes! I "choose" to take a dozen pills a day just to be normal. I "choose" to have relationships destroyed or jobs lost simply because my brain won't let me do normal functions like get the fuck out of bed. Educate yourselves, people. I'm a prisoner to this idiotic thing.

Granted, I've found ways to coexist with this disorder. I use meds (which are a blessing and a curse) and therapy. I've also begun to track my symptoms into a slide or a rise, so I can tell when they're coming and adjust (still difficult to do since now I apparently have "triggers"). As of now I usually have two depressive states (slides) a year. Which is a lot since they tend to last for about six weeks. Sometimes they are longer, but they are rarely shorter. My hypomanic states (rises) are fewer and far between. I haven't had one in a year, which is excellent since I tend to be more self destructive during those. It's not-so-excellent in that I can't always tell when I have them, making them harder to track. My mom is the best for spotting these states. She's always spot on.

Anyway, I'm putting this out there because, according to my new therapist, I need to reach out more during slides. I've put a couple of friends on notice that I may attempt to call them and not talk on the phone much, which is weird to me. The the-rapist (typo but I'm keeping it!) says that having more human interaction during slide may possibly shorten them. I don't know about that but I'm willing to try. Also, I'll be using Facebook and Twitter for those times when talking is out of the question.

So my blogging people, don't be shocked if there are no updates for a bit. I'll be dealing with this slide and juggling the meds. See you guys later...

Fall Doldrums

2009-09-15T08:55:00.003-04:00

Life gets so boring after my birthday. The only things that are keeping me excited are my guitar lessons and school (and that's pushing it).

The guitar lessons turned out to be pretty difficult. Not because the instrument is hard to learn, but because of my instructor. Sun is a friend of Trae. They traded off tattoos for lessons. Since Trae has no interest in guitar, he gave me the lessons for my birthday. Last week, when Leo bought me Beatles Rockband, Trae brought Sun over to play and so I could meet him. Holy hell, is this guy hot. He is very much like Johnny Depp with the gorgeous brown eyes, long hair, and understated style. He's tall, thin, and very sexy. This is a huge problem for me, because I absolutely cannot focus on what he's trying to teach me. I'm too busy wanting to sit on his face. His lips, his hands, his voice, every minuscule detail has caught my eye. I know it's just a silly little infatuation, but I'm enjoying it right now, so I'll let it continue. But since I actually want to learn the guitar, I need to get the fuck over it.

Sadly, people, that's the highlight of my life right now. I work all day and I'm in school all night, so I have no life nor anyone with whom I can share my tedium. It's a sad and lonely existence, but it's the only one I have.

Wait! One other pretty awesome thing is that I'm at the top of three of my four classes! This is my reward for having no life and dedicating all my free time to school. I'm ecstatic, but in a very pathetic way.

Also, remember Bulimia Gay from my BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA? He's about to be ex-communicated. He has started talking shit about Miss K and I just can't have that. Sorry, dear. My life may be boring, but at least it's drama free.

More later...

One More Thing...

2009-09-10T09:19:00.001-04:00

I got rid of the asshole cat! Goodbye, Sorrow! Trae wanted a pet so I gave him away.

An awesome birthday present...

Good Lord!!!

2009-09-10T08:28:00.003-04:00

DETAILS!!!!!!!!!

The BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA was an even bigger success than I originally planned. Almost everyone showed up, we all got completely schwwwwwwwwwwasted, and had a motherfuckin' blast!
Highlights:

Crazypants hooked up with (read: made out with) Frat Boy.
Sinner made out with E2. So did I...
I made out with Jolly Roger (numerous times and without hesitation).
I ran into Bulimia Gay, who loves drama.
I didn't have to spend a single dime on anything since I got hooked up with drinks, party passes, and I brought my own posse.
There was the usual debauchery: smoking (oops!), drinking, dancing, and lots of noise.
I shunned all hangers-on. This was my birthday and I was the Queen Bee!
I received some excellent presents: clothes, shoes, a guitar* and guitar lessons, Beatles Rock Band, and cash. Lots of cash...
Sinner's husband was there and was so fucking awesome. EVERYONE said how cool he was. He scared the ever loving crap out of me Red Coconut, though. Fucker...
I got to bring a bunch of different friends together and they all got along! How amazing is that! Quick list (sorry if I forget anyone): Lil Bit, Mama Sue, Sinner, Husband, Krypto, Frat Boy, Crazypants, Church Boy, E2, Jolly Roger, Sass (eventually), and Bulimia Gay. Crazy Bitches, all of 'em...

Lowlights:

The motherfucking HANGOVER the next day. Good God Almighty! I've never had one before and I never want to again. I thought I was going to die. How do people live through those more than once?
The hangers-on that I mentioned earlier? Those bitches got into my hotel room and drank up my alcohol. Then they had the nerve to be upset when they were kicked out. I don't know those bitches! Fuck off...
Sass had the nerve to send me an email the next day (my birthday) to complain about me putting her friend out. WTF??!!! I don't fucking know your friend. Why would you bring her to my birthday party? If you had done the polite thing and asked, I would have told you not to bring anyone. That's what I did when E2 asked if she could bring her girlfriend. And if you'd shown up ON TIME you wouldn't have felt "out of place", as you put it. NO ONE knew anyone else. If you show up three hours late, then you are going to feel that way. And you have the nerve to give me shit on MY BIRTHDAY because of a situation you put yourself in? Way to make my birthday about you, bitch...
Koneli didn't show up for a bunch of bullshit reasons. Downgraded, bitch. That was fucked up. And you didn't call to wish me happy birthday? Nor have you tried to contact me since? I'm pretty sure it's because you know you were a cunt...

See? The highlights definitely outweighed the lowlights (except for that hangover! Guh!). An excellent birthday! Next year for the big 3-0, we're going to the Bahamas!

*I've named my guitar Astarte the Silver Digger. Astarte is the Phonecian goddess of love, fertility, sacred sexuality, and sex. Silver Digger is what Sinner calls me since I told her that I was "not a gold digger. I just don't like broke guys" She has determined that this makes me a silver digger! That silly bitch...

Bits 'n' Pieces

2009-08-31T08:47:00.003-04:00

I called in to work this weekend to hang out with Sinner. The best idea ever! We went to her husband's restaurant, where it turns out I know half the people there including the owner! Two hours later, we walk out with a $100 gift certificate that I shall be using for the BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA.
Also, while Sinner and I hung out there, I was hit on by one of the servers. I was kind of uncomfortable about the whole thing but Sinner kept pushing me into it (thanks a lot, Monty!). Turns out he was kind of a douche. Good thing to know early. And now I shall erase him from my memory...Done!
I cleaned my house! I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I hate cleaning so I just do the bare essentials. This time, I cleaned EVERYTHING. I even went behind the sofa and moved all the heavy shit out of the way. Whoo hoo! The reason why is I found a couple of roaches in the house, so I vowed to get rid of those little fuckers. I had someone come and spray inside the walls and I killed those little bastards one by one as they came out to die.
I also discovered a good reason to keep Sorrow around. He's excellent at killing bugs. You've been granted an appeal for now, asshole...
As I was falling asleep last night, I heard a loud crash and splashing. Thinking that I was going to have to really kill Sorrow this time, I got up and discovered that the water pipe in my bathroom had exploded through the wall. Motherfucker! Now my bathroom is soaked (and half my bedroom) and I have no cold water. Fan-bloody-tastic.
It's almost time for the BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA! I'll be doing the same thing as last year: drunken carousing with friends and crashing in a swanky hotel. I'll be 29 this year. My last 20s. Next year for the big 3-0, we'll be taking the BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA international! Off to the Bahamas!

I believe that's everything. I'll have more later...

Meh...

2009-08-26T15:17:00.002-04:00

Pookie is pregnant. Why aren't I happy for my friend? This is a joyous occasion! We should celebrate!

Oh yeah...I forgot...We aren't really friends anymore.

Pookie hasn't made any sort of effort to maintain our friendship. So when I couldn't pull together enough money to go to her wedding, I wasn't bummed. Apparently, neither was she. I haven't even seen her since her shower two months ago. She hasn't reached out to me and I haven't reached out to her. Whatevs, dude...

And now she's preggo. Brava. I don't really care too much, though, and I feel kind of bad about that. We used to be cool, but like many girls, she is now completely caught up in her married (now pregnant) life and, as such, has no time for her fornicating former friend (I love alliteration today!).

As I slowly pull myself out of the group of friends that I used to depend on, I feel a sad little hollow emptiness. I'll miss them. They got me through a few hard times and I really appreciate them for that. But they have moved on with their husbands and their lives and they now have no time to continue the level of friendship that we used to enjoy. Such is life, I guess. I love them all: Boo, Pookie, Caribou, and Rae. But they are no longer my confidantes.

Bye bye, crazy girls! Love you, mean it...

"Here's to those that love us well. And those who don't can go to hell"

On The Hunt

2009-08-25T14:22:00.002-04:00

Dear Blogoverse,

How do I get this guy to ask me out? I know this sounds like a question from Teen Cosmo, but I'm actually having this problem. I want Jolly Roger to ask me out on a date. A date where we actually talk and get to know each other instead of the drunken episodes we've been currently having with large group of people around.

I know he is attracted to me. And I know that he had a little crush on me (back when we first met). Maybe he doesn't feel that way any longer, although I doubt it. Is he shy? Who knows? I don't think so. We get along relatively well and I love his best friend, the appropriately nutso E2. I know that crazy girl inside and out. I just want to get to know him better. He's right in my type zone: a tall white guy with pretty eyes. He also happens to be a pretty talented musician and a bartender. So what do I do next?

Seriously, I need an answer to this question. I'm actually stumped.

HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Love,

Trouble

So My Ex Is A Wife Beater...

2009-08-24T15:49:00.003-04:00

Wait...WHAT?!!

A couple of years ago, I dated Lone. He was completely my type: a tall dorky white guy. To make things even more awesome, he was also a bartender. We got on pretty well. Lots of drunken silliness and sex (a LOT of sex! I mean, really...).

He had his flaws, though. He was often too drunk, he smoked, he didn't drive since he'd gotten his license revoked, he didn't even have a bank account. And he was 32! I was the grownup in our relationship and I liked it at first. Then I got hit with the bipolar shuffle. I was in a trough for over a month. Lone had no clue what was going on. All he knew was that I was always working and I didn't want to have sex. In truth, I was a little sick of him as well. He was only living for the present. He never set money aside for the future and he was always borrowing money from his friends to cover his bills.

I convinced my depressed self that I was over this guy and I wanted to be rid of him. So I created a situation to dump him. I told him he had to quit smoking or we would break up. He agreed and the next time I caught him smoking, I dumped him.

As it turns out, he had already started dating someone else. When I found out, I couldn't even pretend to be hurt or upset. I was just happy to be through with him.

The girl he moved on to got pregnant two months later. And a month after that, they got married. 'Mazel Tov' was all I could think (by then I had moved on to another guy).

Didn't think or hear about him for over a year after that. Whatevs...

Cut to: My little brother, Couch*, got engaged. As I spoke with him and his fiancee about the wedding, I discovered that Lone's wife was going to be in the wedding as a bridesmaid! What a small fucking town Orlando is! I got my first glimpse of her at one of their (many!) engagement parties.

She was short, fat, a little crude, and a smoker. Really? Damn, he traded down. She was sweet, however, and eager to please people around her. But she had the air of being a stone cold bitch when it suited her. Needless to say, I liked her. And once she saw that I didn't hold grudge against her, she warmed up to me as well. We hung out a couple of times (always in a group, never alone) and we lightly touched on the subject of her husband, but that was it.

At Couch's wedding, there was a bit of a breakdown. Lone didn't show up. His wife was visibly upset, even as she performed her bridesmaid duties. When I asked her where he was, I got a weird look and was brushed off. Hmmm...wtf is going on there? I didn't care enough, really. I tried to cheer her up, but she just ended up in the corner, calling and crying to Lone. Whatevs...

Couch tells me today that they are divorcing. She is telling all of her friends that Lone has been beating her for almost six months.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Now I don't know this girl very well. We've hung out maybe 3 times. But I do know Lone and I find it extremely hard to believe that he's been beating her. For one thing, he was raised better than that. For another, he is a genuinely good guy. I never, ever felt threatened with him, even when he was drunk and angry. Also, this girl is a lot like me. Do I really think that she would put up with that bullshit for that long without telling someone or at least putting a smackdown back on him? No fucking way, dude. Something is fucked up about this whole thing. I'm not going to say she's lying, but something is off about this whole thing.

What should I do? Not a goddamned thing! I haven't spoken to Lone since 2007 and I'm not going to start now**. His wife and I were never friends and we probably won't ever be. So really this has nothing to do with me. I'm just spreading a little gossip. Enjoy!

*Couch isn't my real brother. We meet years ago and we clicked instantly. He's younger than me and I give him advice like a big sister, so we tell people that we're family. It works for us...

**Lone and his wife had just closed on their house. The day after they moved in, he kicked her out. Crazy, right? But that doesn't jibe with his "wife beater" status. The whole thing gets curiouser and curiouser...

The Bipolar Shuffle

2009-08-20T08:20:00.004-04:00

Here is something that I haven't told anyone (except my parents and Michael): I have bipolar disorder. This shouldn't be a huge shock to the people who know me well.

I was diagnosed in college and I've (sort of) struggled with it ever since. Because there is a huge stigma attached to this particular disease, I haven't told a soul. Not even my closest friends, although I suspect they've figured it out.

The meds I take keep me on an even keel for the most part. I don't get to the megalomaniac heights nor do I fall down to the crushing depressive state (anymore). I generally feel pretty good most days. I'm usually optimistic and always out to do fun things.

Every once in a while, I hit low spots. They aren't suicidal lows (anymore), but they aren't a walk in a park either. I can get self loathing and I hate that the most. Last night was one of those nights.

I discovered (through Krypto) that Quita is throwing a birthday party in Vegas for herself and I wasn't invited. I am devastated. All of my best friends are officially boo-ed up. Leaving me the lone single girl. Stir in the fact that I was lonely, it was nighttime, I did a few morally questionable things last weekend (another post for later) and I'm unhappy with the stagnation in my life and BOOM! I had the perfect mix of a depression cocktail. Even thing not related to me affect it. Sinner's grandmother is dying. I'm crushed. They're raising taxes in Cali. Tears...

Normally I could brush these things off. Quita didn't invite me? It must be an oversight! All my favorite people have found someone to be with? Fan-fucking-tastic! In the light of day (and on my uppers), I can deal with those things and even be happy about it. But since I have personality triggers, it was a serious blow. God, I hated that! I really did. There was even a flutter of the evil suicide thought before I squashed it like a bug.

I knew that this trough in the wave was coming too. I haven't slept in four days. Insomnia is a huge indicator of a mood downswing for me. I've spent the last few night trying to doze and going to the gym at 3 in the morning. Netflix and I have become best friends in the last week or so.

So what do I do during a low point? Wait it out. There isn't much else to do. I can alter my meds, but I can never do it properly and I'm worried I may really kill myself one day. In the meantime, I try to stick to my daily routine and ride out the trough. It sucks, but I always make it through.

So that's my deep dark secret, posted here on the web for the world to see. Judge me if you must (and probably will), but I've kept this secret for almost 10 years. I've lost friends, boyfriends, respect, jobs, and many more things simply because I refused to tell anyone. Well, that shit is over.

What can I gain from telling people? I don't know, but I'm tired of keeping this secret. If it affects my current relationships with people, so be it. I am a person living with bipolar disorder (I could totally be in a PSA with this line!) and that's who I am.

Just One More...

2009-08-14T12:39:00.004-04:00

Just one more picture of my returned lover. His new CD is amazing. Oh baby, the things we did last night (in my dreams)....

Damn, I love you...

Coming Attractions

2009-08-14T12:31:00.002-04:00

There are some excellent things coming up soon.

Want to know what they are?

I'll tell you......................................later!

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Behold...

2009-08-13T12:43:00.004-04:00

One of the world's perfect men, Maxwell. He's an R & B singer that I've loved for many years. We broke up for a bit when he decided to take 8 (eight?!!!) years off, but we've hit it off again and the love making is as beautiful as ever. Oh baby, how I've missed you...

It's true that I do like my white boys, but every once in awhile I come across a brother that I can't resist. Look at that smile, his hair, and lovely hairy chest. Everything about him screams that he's virile, beautiful, and just outright delicious. And all of that is before you hear his panty melting voice and oh-so-soulful lyrics. The combination of all this makes me happy in my pants. Oh lover, let's never be apart again...

I'll be in my bunk listening to him serenade and love me over and over.

...

2009-08-12T11:53:00.001-04:00

A blah day with blah going on.

That's a pretty good thing.

Maybe sushi for lunch today.

Sinner! Let's go for a long drive away from Orlando. Where? Who the fuck cares? Let's ride...

More (or less) later...

Wow!

2009-08-11T08:36:00.003-04:00

So apparently, today is the one year annivesary of Oreo Land. Happy Birthday! A few changes here and there but for the most part, I'm still me!

And that is awesome...

STOP!!!

2009-08-11T08:04:00.003-04:00

I'm done being a sad sack! That shit is over. I'm not used to being down all the time or depressed for stupid reasons. I'm an optimistic creature of the light (Sorry about that! It's early...). I need to have happiness around me or I will just make my own. Here are some awesome things going on right now:

The BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA is coming up again! There are many options available but I'm thinking that I will head up to visit Miss K (since our birthdays are nearby each other) and possibly drive up to Maryland to see Biszechuan and then to Philly to see Sass. I've got almost 6 days off. That's PLENTY of time...
As down as I was yesterday, I was still asked out by someone! Holy moly! I've still got it (whatever it is...)! Granted, it was someone I know damn well it would be a crazy relationship and I turned him down (he is cute, though). I've got standards and if a guy can't meet them, we're done...
I finally went back to the gym yesterday and the best thing happened: I WAS THE ONLY GIRL THERE!!! In a sea of about twenty pumped, well oiled, well built men. I was ogling like crazy. Wow, they make these little college boys hotter nowadays. I got checked out a lot too and I was working that elliptical to show off my...um...assets. Silly pleasure? Yes, but it worked for me. As long as no one approached me...
I ran two 10 minute miles. A bit down from my four 9 minute miles, but since I haven't been to the gym in about three months, it wasn't too shabby...
Boo is in town until tomorrow! Maybe there will be a little Grits n Gravy with her tonight. Maybe I'll go anyway, regardless of whether she goes or not. I can always drag Sinner away (maybe).

I feel happier already and completely out of that stupid funk. It's time to have a little more fun and keep going. Work now, gym later, dancing after (maybe). It's gonna be a good day...

*I tried turning Sorrow into an outdoor cat to keep me from killing him when he smacks me awake for his food. Is there an easy way to do this? For now, I was just putting him outside after he eats, but he makes the most ridiculous yowls to get back in that I have to let him inside. Man, that cat is an asshole...

Low

2009-08-10T07:59:00.002-04:00

After this weekend, I have an extremely low opinion of men:

Angel's sperm donor has been terrorizing her and the children so much that she has been staying with mis padres and is planning a move to Georgia.
Krypto's sperm donor spewed hateful language at me and damn near attacked her while she was driving him with three kids in the car. She was so afraid it made me want to kill him. She no longer wants anything to do with him. I always knew that girl was smart.
Apparently, my only appeal to men is sexual. What a fucking double edged sword. I've always wanted to be attractive to men (although I'm not all that, honestly), but now my attractiveness is keeping me from getting someone to like me for me? What a bunch of bullshit! It sounds like one of those vapid, annoying stars who cry because they are too good-looking or some shit. What-the-fuck-ever.... The fact is that I'm single and I have a vagina and for most guys that's all they require for a fuck fest. Some of them (Medic) have learned that it takes more than compliments to get what they want, so they lie. I was fool enough to believe it and then I was played for a fool. Others (Hay) are such moronic fools that they think they can send me a few texts and that should guarantee them sex. Fuck. Off.

It was a crappy weekend overall. I lost my voice and got stuck with a low level headache that still hasn't gone away. I'm not in the best of moods, but I'm not going to let that affect my plans for today. I'm starting up at the gym again, got to get some grocery shopping done, and I need to pull everything together for school.

Oh wait! There was something nice from the weekend. Trae was a sweetheart throughout. He came over and hung out with me, even when I couldn't talk. We just watched the moon and held hands. It was very sweet, but I'm too wary now. He is a nice guy, but I already find myself pulling away from him. I'm afraid. It's stupid and irrational, but I can't help it.

I was telling Sinner last night that I was afraid that I would be alone forever. She tried to assure me that I had friends and family that would always be there, but she did little to assuage my fears. My 29th birthday is coming up and I don't have much to show for it. In fact, I'm in the exact same place as I was last year. Still in Florida, still single, still at the same job, and still doing the same things. The only things that have changed are a few people around me. I understand that some people crave this kind of consistency; those people are crazy.

I want more..

Vacation

2009-08-07T09:47:00.003-04:00

It's coming up soon! I'm taking a few days off work to not be at work. And smack dab in the middle of it will be my birthday. I have no clue what I'm going to do yet, but I've got ideas...

I'm running on about 20 minutes of sleep due to the ridiculous notion I have that I'm still a young kid who can stay out all night. I have actual jobs now, dum dum! Now get your shit together; we have to work at both jobs today! In the meantime, people, be on the lookout for me on the news tonight when I kick a hole in someone's neck because they didn't tip me at least 15%.

What was I doing last night? Playing cards with Leo and his friends. Stupid doctors! They have their own practices so they can be closed on a Friday if they so choose...

Also, it's my plan to call into work tomorrow so I can go out with a few people who have been requesting my presence for awhile. A lovely mixed bag of people who are a combination of past and present acquaintances, both men and women, all of them drinkers. Stories to follow...

Pookie is getting married tomorrow in Ohio! Congrats Pookie and Cowboy! You guys are going to have an amazing life together and I'm glad to know the both of you...

Gotta go see mis padres this weekend. For one thing, I'm using their laptop this semester. For another, I absolutely must do laundry since I've been buying new underwear instead of washing them for almost a week. Sad and lazy? Yes...

Notice something? Nothing about any guys! I'm doing pretty good about keeping them at the friend level. I'm trying not to get weak and let them get too close, since none of them are ideal. If I do, I'm only going to be driven crazy. If (IF!!!) that happens promise me two things when I go into the crazy house: 1 - Wipe the drool from my chin, and 2 - Make sure they do my hair...

Feeling a hell of a lot better from the evil tonsils (I swear they were trying to kill me!). Starting next Friday I can drink again which is perfect since I don't have to work! I'm already starting to collect the bottle I shall consume...

That's all for now. I'll probably update more frequently now that I'm getting the laptop. Hooray! Just what I need more Internet access than I have now. It's not enough that I have it at work, on my phone, and on my TV, I now need to be able to carry it with me at all times. I'm such an Internet whore... (I'm sorry, baby! I didn't mean it! I love you...)

Tchau!

Hooray!

2009-08-05T17:10:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling better! Take that, stupid tonsils!

Trae brought me soup today! A huge surprise since I haven't seen him since last Friday.

Hay and I are going to the movies tonight (I think?). I guess he wants to show off his new tattoo.

I've downgraded all the guys to "Just Friends" today. Medic, Jolly Roger, Rico, NAG, Hulk, Server, et al have all been contacted today and told about our new status. Everyone took it surprisingly well (except for Medic, whom I haven't heard from and Jolly Roger, who thinks I'm kidding). I was a little biting and snarky (via email) with Medic so I may not hear from him at all. Meh... I made this decision because I was getting a little tired of compromising with each of these guys. If I'm going to be with someone, they will need to satisfy at least the very basic of my needs, like actual contact (phone, text, email). For the most part, these guys just wanted to fuck me (exception: Rico, maybe NAG), so there is no major loss. It feels good, really good to be back to where I should be...

I might take tomorrow off to celebrate...

*Congrats to Medic! He graduated with a Paramedic degree today! Good luck, cutie! I'm proud of you! See, people? We can still be friends...

Stupid Tonsils!

2009-08-04T07:59:00.002-04:00

I have tonsillitis. Fucking hell...

I started feeling a little funky yesterday around lunch time and I knew some shit was going down. I suffered through the day and raced home to go to bed early, only to wake up at 9:30 with glands the size of grapefruits and a pain so bad I damn near kicked the cat (I didn't).

I called around looking for a late night urgent care place. Finally, I found one and two hours later I had a prescription for antibiotics and ibuprofen. Unfortunately, tonsillitis is one of those diseases where you can still go to work, albeit uncomfortably. So here I am at work, being uncomfortable. My throat is so swollen that it will be difficult to speak today, which sucks since I answer phones. *sigh*

This is the only time I truly hate being single. I have no one to take care of me and to tell me that the pain will go away. There is no one to reassure me that I'll be okay. Granted, I don't need those things, but they would be nice to have. All I have is an impassive cat that awaits my death so he can exact his revenge by eating my face.

Okay, on to face the day. I don't think I'll murder anyone today, but it's still too early to tell.

Hot and Cold

2009-08-03T10:59:00.003-04:00

I know that I can be all over the place when it comes to moods (I blame it on the meds). But I've had about enough of all this guy bullshit. I complained and complained about being alone, but I forgot how fucking crazy relationships can get. I sick of this all right now, but I don't want to chuck it (yet). I might just be suffering from the fucking Mondays, so I'm going to try to calm the hell down and chill today.

Here are some quick weekend updates:

Friday was pretty awesome. Hung out with Krypto and Sinner and a few guys. We danced, we drank, we explored new bars, and partied to some old school songs. Always a blast.
Saturday was work at the bar. I killed in tips and didn't have to murder anyone. I consider that a WIN.
Sunday was spent doing my usual, church, budget, bill, and hair.
Each of the three nights I played poker with Jolly Roger. The first two nights, it was just he and I and since we were drinking that turned into strip poker very quickly. Ooops! Last night, there were other people involved and I won the biggest pot of the night. Bow down, bitches...
I re-connected with an old flame, Hay. He just happens to be best friends and roommates with Honey (remember him?). We text-flirted for a couple of hours last night and now we're getting together tonight. Hmmm...there's quite a past there...
I'm almost done with Medic. It seems like there isn't anything there anymore. After the idyllic first couple of weeks, it has devolved into an annoying mess of scheduling conflicts, letdowns, and irritation. I haven't gotten anything good out of it recently and I'm over that bullshit. I'm done going out of my way for this idiocy. It's time for him to prove something to me. In the meantime, fuck it...

That was it. My never-long-enough weekend. And now I'm at work, trying not to be a sad, bitter person while people interrupt my work to ask me inane questions or to make stupid small talk.

*sigh*

I need a vacation...

One More Thing...

2009-07-31T13:03:00.004-04:00

I had a lovely lunch date with Rico yesterday. We went to The Boheme, and excellent little pretentious restaurant for business folk. The food was excellent and we giggled like children dressed up in adult clothes. He was sweet and ordered for me (I love it when guys do that!). He's Colombian and a little younger (26) but very good looking with an amazing smile. I like him in a very simple way. We had a good time.

More on that later...

No. Nononononononono....

2009-07-31T08:07:00.003-04:00

Remember all those feelings I thought I had for Medic? Well, they're on the verge of being swept away. Here's why:

He has listed on his Facebook that the authors he enjoys include Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I can put up with a lot of shit but if this is true, then Medic and I are pretty much over. I was going to go into a long tirade about why but it's completely unnecessary, so I'll keep it short. If he agrees enough with these people to actually fucking list it on his goddamn Facebook for the world to see, I want nothing to do with him. If he does agree with these people, why is he even trying to date me?

With him there seem to be too many compromises or things I would have to overlook: his smoking, his occasional dipping (fucking disgusting), the fact that he's a Republican, his crazy work schedule, how bad he hurt me in the beginning of the relationship, the fact that he was so attached to his rebel flag, the hunting, the fact that he wants a bunch of kids (and I absolutely do not!), his seemingly prejudiced father, etc. I can be very compromising with most of these things (of course I was either going to ignore or change most of it), but add in the Glenn Beck/Ann Coulter batshit insane bit and I think that he will be more work (and trouble) than he's worth.

I even tried to be as open as possible with this (I didn't want to be as close minded as the people he seemingly admires) and tried to give him the benefit of doubt. Maybe he isn't aware of the batshit insane things these people represent (although, how could he not?). Maybe he simply agrees with specific things they say (even a broken clock is right twice a day). I also tried to list the wonderful things about him, but a lot of them got lost or forgotten in the bullshit he put me through. Add to the fact that we haven't actually been bonding or even really talking much (except for superficial things) in the past month that he's been in school and you have an easy way to detach.

So, the conclusion? He has some explaining to do. I don't want to chuck him without giving him a chance to explain, but I can't really think of an explanation that would keep me from chucking him. He's not working today, so I'll wait before I make my decision, but my decision will be made today...

What The Hell...

2009-07-30T15:37:00.004-04:00

...is wrong with me? I forgot the best thing about yesterday!

I was asked to stay late at work last night (overtime! woot!). Afterwards, I sped home (in record time! double woot!) because I was exhausted at that point. I opened my door and found this on my coffee table:

Wow! Where did these come from?

Remember what I did the night before? Getting my mock tattoo? Well, it turns out that the tattoo artist has a crush on me! How sweet! He talked to Leo and together they arranged this surprise. Trae (the tattoo artist) bought the flowers and Leo dropped them off at my place before I got home from work. What a lovely and completely unexpected surprise! And they are some of my favorite flowers (Gerber daisies), too! Of course Leo knew that...

I didn't even think of Trae as an option (as is clearly evidenced by my lack of description in the previous post!). He spend almost an hour writing on my body and I barely remember what he looks like. I just remember a pretty cool guy who was talented and appropriately raunchy. I could get used to that. He left his number in the flowers and I called him back. We are going to try to hang out in the next few days. An interesting prospect, I think...

What the hell is going on? After almost 6 months of absolutely nothing, I now am being deluged with viable options! Where the hell were these guys when I was suffering through poor-pitiful-me stage after my last whatever-it-was relationship? But I'm not complaining! I'm loving this attention, actually. I'm going to try to savor and hold on to it since I know the lean months are coming...

Still, I'm a happy panda...

Blah

2009-07-30T09:06:00.003-04:00

Blah night last night.

NAG cancelled the date due to the monsoon weather we had.

Leo (who is sans girlfriend at the moment) came over to watch movies, but got paged away.

Sinner texted with distressing news. She's got some shit going down...

Sorrow (my cat) is an asshole.

That's all.

In Love

2009-07-29T12:09:00.002-04:00

This is my new love. The tattoo poem that spans the right side of my back:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Beautiful.

Stuff

2009-07-29T09:42:00.002-04:00

Here are a few random things:

Hung out with Leo last night for a few beers and then decided to add wings in the mix. After a bit, a friend of his came over, a tattoo artist that Leo has done work on. I decided to see how a tattoo would look on me. So the guy gave me my favorite Pablo Neruda sonnet on my shoulder blade extending down my back. It's a fake (done in permanent marker several times over) and it should fade in a week or so, but I really like the look of it.
Talked to Boo yesterday. She is having guy issues again. Shocker. Without going into too much detail (since I don't want to put her business out there), she lied to a guy to keep him. While I can totally understand where she was coming from, that was a fucked up thing to do. And very selfish. I hope he never finds out what she's done because I would be absolutely livid if I were him.
Boo and I also talked about Hulk. They used to do the booty call thing when she lived here. I let her know about last Friday night and she wasn't very happy about it. It was only kissing to me (actually I think we hit second base) but she thinks that Hulk has a bit of a deeper attachment to me than I do to him. Not bloody likely, but I'll be on the lookout. He is a very sweet guy and neither one of us wants him to get hurt. What I don't understand is why doesn't she want me to do what she did to him? She wasn't pursuing a relationship with him either, but I can't use him as a cuddle bitch? Hmmm...
Sinner is having more issues as well and I can foresee a day when I will have to go stalking with her. Great...
Trying to pull together enough dinero for school this semester. I may still have to just take two classes so I can not starve for the next couple of months.

I think that's it for now. I have a date tonight with NAG. We're doing Sink 'Em and Drink 'Em tonight. It's this jazzy little putt-putt competition that's kind of like beer pong but for grown ups and no frat boys. Great idea since NAG is infinitely more fun when he's been drinking. There is also the possibility of getting together with E2 and Jolly Roger afterwards. We'll see...

That's all folks! Hopefully, I'll have more exciting news in the upcoming days...

Serious For A Moment

2009-07-28T11:33:00.003-04:00

My birthday is coming up in a little over a month. While I do enjoy my birthdays with a child-like glee, I am getting older.

Society dictates that I should be married with a couple of kids. Or on the way to a successful ladder climbing career. Instead I'm a paper pushing, phone answering, complaint absolving desk jockey that loves her life, stilted as it is. Yes, I do complain a LOT about the things that are going on in my life. But if I were going to go back in time, there isn't much that I would change. I've accomplished every major goal I've set in my life and now I'm waiting for new ones.

I'm happy not to be on the expected track for an almost 29 year old. I'm glad that I still think of myself as a kid. I'm glad that my nieces, nephews, and even random kids recognize that I am one of the them. Yes, I look like an adult, but my heart is still child-like. I still think the way a child would think. And I love that about myself. I love the fact that my imagination will take over when something doesn't go my way. I love that I will still sing out loud, not caring what people think. And I really love that my heart and mind can still be a little naive when it come to life decisions.

I hope I never completely become a grown up.

A friend from Pajiba said this:

I wouldn't want to imagine life without a wild, child-like imagination. I love that I'm "different" from the other adults that I work with. I love that I have music playing my my head all day, and that I dance in the bathroom and sing in the elevators. I love that children will choose me out of a roomful of adults to play with, and that I still enjoy a game of Hide and Seek. They appreciate that I still "get it."

Yup! That's me. The favourite auntie, god momma, friend, and playmate. I hope it never changes...

Wherein Miss K Bitchslaps Me With The Truth...

2009-07-28T09:01:00.005-04:00

Alright, alright! I get it.

Just yesterday I wrote that I still had feeling for Medic. Well, fan-fucking-tastic. He must have started reading this blog again or something. Yesterday, we started emailing back and forth on Facebook. I initiated a conversation about sex, just trying to be playful (the vodka was talking, though, I must admit). He turned it serious pretty quickly, suggesting a rendezvous soon. I backpedaled and started freaking out a bit. Yes, I still liked him and wanted to pick up again where we left off, so I couldn't jump into a sex buddies situation. I knew that would lead me down a very dark road. He surprised me by saying that if I wanted more then I could have it.*

WHAT?!

I'm all confused. We broke it off because I wanted more than you could give me. And NOW you can give me what I want? What am I supposed to say to that?

I immediately contacted Miss K. "HELP!!!" I cried, "What the hell should I do? I can't get hurt and this guy has the capacity to really hurt me. He's already done it! I could really fall for this guy and he could completely demolish me."

She then bitchslapped me with this post on my Facebook Wall:

"one of my favorite quotes ever is from jeremy piven's character from (the original version of) the show "cupid":

"make a mess, get in the game - you gonna get hurt? have a beautiful train wreck!"

of course, it's WAAAAY easier said than done, but there's such truth in it. if you don't take the chance, you can't get the payoff"

Smart lady (even if she does e e cumming her way through the Internets). If I'm too afraid to take the risk of getting hurt, then I will never get to know how great the relationship could be with him. It's could be so fucking awesome. And I will definitely get hurt, be it one way or another. But if I'm going to get hurt, I might as well go for the BIG hurt. I might as well get so involved that I won't be able to get out without medication and vodka.

So here goes! I'm going to give this a go.

We've made plans to celebrate his graduation next week by drinking ourselves silly at CityWalk. Since we will both be drunk, I suggested a hotel room for him at the Universal hotels. (I get an excellent discount!). So we will see each other for the first time in a month, drink ourselves stupid, and then spend the night at a hotel. Yeah, this will be pretty amazing...

More later...

* I am still vulnerable to compliment, so I'm trying not to squee about what he told me. This particular compliment has only come from one other person, my daddy. Medic told me that I make him feel so much better about himself. I'm constantly encouraging, highly supportive, and he really likes that about me. It makes him want to be around me and talk to me more. I actually love this compliment! I've always thought of myself as a selfish, spoiled woman. The fact that someone else (besides my poppa, who I worship) thinks that I'm a great person to have around makes me feel great.

Weekend Daze

2009-07-27T09:16:00.002-04:00

So I actually socialized this weekend instead of being a loner at home. Don't get me wrong! I spent plenty of time sleeping and ignoring the plaintive yowls of my cat (new name: Sorrow), but I joined the human race a few times.

On Friday, I went out with Sinner and her husband to Blue Martini. I had been there since Boobs McGee lived here. We used to go so often that we had our own VIP table. The bouncers, bartenders, and the bands all knew us. That was many moons ago. Now, no one knows me and it has become a club for old men to meet young girls. Seriously. The average age for men was about 35 or 40. And they all were leering or dancing obscenely close to the women. Ick!

Sinner had her husband there, so she was spared the disgusting come ons. I, on the other hand, had no such luck. Every time I turned around some asshole was in my face trying to get me to dance. I tried to be as nice as possible, but after a few drinks I turned to outright lying. I used my phone pictures of my nieces and nephews and told them that I was married with four kids. Sad, but true.

Still, Sinner and I had a great time. Afterward, I was a little too drunk to drive all the way home. I gave Hulk a call since he lived up the street and asked him to let me crash on his couch. I ended up in his bed with him. Oops! Nothing happened, though. First of all, I made that promise to Boo. Second of all, I didn't want a fling. We smooched and that was it. I rolled over and crashed until 10. When I woke up, I had to do the walk of shame to the gas station and I got hit on by Douchebag Supreme, with his popped collar and Mustang Convertible. Great! I looked like a hooker...

I worked Saturday night. It was a chill night. Boobs came in with a group of her friends, so I basically partied all night and got paid for it.

Sunday was an awesome day. I did the budget, went to church, took a nap, and watched TV all day. Rod, an excellent friend of mine, started a new weekly event called Sushi and Cinema. We went to Seito Sushi and watched this fucked up movie called Suicide Club. Good Lord, I never want to see anything like that again! Guh!

And here I am. On a Monday morning, at work and ready to go home already. It has already been too crazy and I need a vacation.

Today is my daddy's birthday! He turns 57. He is the best man in my life and I love him like any spoiled daughter should. Probably more since I would put him before myself. I gave him a quick call this morning to wish him a happy birthday and we got to talking about school and things. He just gave me his Mac laptop! Out of the blue! See? He's an amazing poppa and I'm a spoiled daughter.

Revelation: I still have a thing for Medic. Probably not a shocker to other people, but I was surprised as hell that I'd managed to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't. We still text and talk and tease just like before he broke it off. I'm probably setting myself up for more stupid pain, but I want to see what will happen after he graduates next week. If he decides to just be a free agent and see other girls, great. I already have an excellent head start on seeing other guys (Server, Hulk, UPS Guy, NAG, Jolly Roger, Keith, etc. Damn, I'm kinda busy...). But if he wants to start dating again, I'm pretty sure that I will let him. And it's not because of the amazing sex (it's really good, though). It's because I actually like the guy. He's smart, opinionated, funny, dorky, and he doesn't bullshit or sugarcoat things just to make me feel better. He's also driven, goal oriented, and an actual adult with an adult job. I could go on (sweet, caring, crazy, blah, blah, blah...), but the fact remains that I like him enough to consider being with him again. He fucked up by not being as open with me as he could have, but that's forgiven and my feelings haven't diminished (although I'm trying). So here I go with my pathetic heart on my sensitive sleeve again. Fantastic. I might as well just fall for the guy and make this really hurt...

Stupid heart...

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like....

2009-07-24T11:49:00.003-04:00

Christmas? Hell no! Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas.

But this?

My favorite time of year...

What A Fucking Cockbag!

2009-07-24T08:39:00.003-04:00

Server called me at 4 this morning.

FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE GODDAMN MORNING.

He has lost almost all of his goodwill with me. Rule #1: DO NOT fuck with my sleep. Seriously. I don't function well normally. Deprive me of sleep and I'm a bitch on wheels. If you want to wake me in the the middle of the night, it better be an emergency or for sex, not simply because you want to talk. I have to work in the morning while your simple ass is sleeping. Would you like me to wake you up just because I felt like talking? No. So do it to me again and I will kick you until you're dead.

Cock mitten.

OK, now some good stuff:

Had drinks with Sinner yesterday. This bitch is going through some shit. Wish I could help but there isn't much for me to do except listen and offer advice. Which could prove to be fucking useless because the fact of the matter is she going to do whatever she wants to do. Mi madre always said "You will always get what you really want." Sinner knows what she wants and she's going to get it regardless of anything else. Now this makes her incredibly selfish (and wrong), but as her friend, I'm obligated to be there for her, even though I disagree with it. I'm praying she makes the right decision, so that I won't have to cut this bitch for being stupid. Just kidding! Love you, girl...

I was supposed to go out with Rico last night. Rico is a hotel manager at a beautiful hotel in downtown Orlando. He came over a few weeks ago to drop off some promotional material and we hit it off. He invited me to what I thought was a business meeting. It turns out that he wanted a lunch date. Sweet! He's a good looking young Colombian man with an excellent build. He's very bright and kind of serious, but he loves to dance. We made plans to go to a bodega with a live band last night, but we got rained out. He suggested watching a movie at his house, but I wasn't ready for that yet. So I stayed home and cleared out my DVR. It was a good night.

For this weekend, I have no definite plans. At some point I have to hang out with Krypto, hang out with Sinner, go out with UPS Guy, and do some laundry. What will probably end up happening is I will sleep most of the weekend with the exception of Saturday night, when I have to work. Awesome...

More later...

Mind Sex

2009-07-23T08:29:00.005-04:00

This one is hard to describe. Koneli and I came up with it a few years ago. It's where you get intimate intellectually with a guy. There's is word foreplay, verbal removing of the clothing, garrulous licking, touching, and sucking, vocal penetration, until finally and orgasmic epiphany. With mind sex, this can happen within one sentence (albeit a long sentence) or over the course of a two hour conversation. The discussion doesn't even have to be about anything significant! It can be as simple as discussing how you like toast (light, dark, burnt beyond recognition...). Somehow, there is an intrinsic connection between your minds. The minds are somehow working on a different level and at a different speed than the two of you. When they reach a climax...BAM!...you're standing there wondering what just happened. Why do you feel closer to this person? Where the hell did that come from? And why do I really want a cigarette right now?

This has happened to me so infrequently that it's still a great shock when it does. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of guys that have brought me to a mental climax. The first (and the absolute best) was Michael. The last? Server. Wow, where did this guy come from? I don't know much about him yet nor do I know what will happen between us (I'm keeping with my pessimistic outlook), but he is very intriguing. We chatted briefly on the phone last night while he took a break at work and his brain seduced mine! WTH? It came out of the blue and by the time I got off the phone I was ready to have a smoke and crash (of course, it could have been the fact that I was deliriously sleepy from staying up for over 24 hours). It was....wonderful, actually.

He kind of fucked it up by calling me at 5 this morning. What. The. Fuck. I forgot that servers were like this. They work at night, so they are awake and partying when I'm sleeping. He sounded a little drunk and/or high, so I tried to be as nice as possible and told him to never call me again at that hour or I'd punch him in his dick (maybe not as nice as I could have been). I think he got the message.

I've gotta do some actual work today, so ta darlings. More later...

Coffee Talk

2009-07-22T08:04:00.003-04:00

You know what I really crave? Besides alcohol, sex, food, or designer shoes? (Yes, I'm a sad, pathetic, turn-of-the-millennium single female stereotype.)

Intimacy.

Not sex. The actual act of intimacy. The shared jokes, giggling at similar things, being yourself without fear of rejection, subconsciously knowing when someone wants to be touched, being touched when you subconsciously want it. All those little things and more are what I really want. More so than any other aspect of a relationship. If I had that with a guy, I could almost excuse anything else.

I came to realize this when someone recently volunteered to be my booty call. An excellent offer by someone who has proved to be amazing in the sack, but for some reason I was completely turned off by it. Why?! Good Lord, a good looking guy is offering sessions in the hay at any time, day or night? What am I crazy?! Apparently, so. The thing is, I can get sex anytime. Most females can. Since guys have relatively low standards for who they fuck (usually they just need the girl to have good hygiene and a vagina), women have the upper hand in that regard. I have never had an issue finding a guy who wants to fuck me. Those little bastards are everywhere. What I haven't been able to find is someone to give me intimacy. And that, my loves, is why I've stayed single and celibate (until recently! Oops!).

I said all of that to say this: Intimacy does not come quickly, if at all. I was starting to get there with Medic and we all know where that ended up. Last night, I had a get-together with Server (he wouldn't let me call it a date). We met up at I-Bar for Grits n Gravy night. We stayed, drank, hung out, and did some dancing (Holy shit, he can dance!). Afterwards, it was time to head home since work starts at 7:30 am. He nixed that idea and talked me into going to an all night coffee house (didn't take much convincing, BTW). We sat for 3 1/2 hours talking, laughing, sharing crazy stories, and being silly. It was really...different. I don't know how else to describe it.

For people who actually know me, I talk. A LOT. I really don't have a problem getting conversations going. I'll talk so much that I'll stop listening to myself long after everyone else has stopped listening. Silly? Yes, I know. Server listened to every goddamn word that came out of my mouth. He really listened and responded in kind. He wasn't doing the selective hearing that most guys seem to do when they just want to get in my pants. In fact, he never once made a move like that last night. He was startlingly attentive and seemed to read my actions and body language better than my words. It was weird and a little unsettling, but not unpleasant. I was being enjoyed by him and it was good.

Some quick facts about Server: He's 27. He's about 6'2'' with thick curly dark brown hair, worn short. Almond shaped hazel green eyes that appear brown unless you're looking closely at him. He's slim but not annoyingly skinny. He has a full sleeve down his muscled left arm, two chest tats, a back tat that's unfinished, and his mom's name on his right arm (she passed away from cancer 6 years ago). His teeth are perfect up top. The bottoms are a little jumbled. He dresses like an unselfconscious rocker: worn jeans, tee, motorcycle boots. And he makes it looks good. His walk is very lax and casual. He holds himself just so, but it seems a bit purposeful. Like he has someone to meet but he's positive that they'll wait for him if he's late.

Clearly, I watched him a lot.

I like him and he gave me a hint of what I remember intimacy to be. But remember those cynical walls around my fragile heart? Yeah, they're still up. Although, they almost crumbled a bit when Server kissed me good-night. Yes, it was good. Toe curling, vision blurring good. The boy is good at what he does. We'll see where this ends up. Friends, cuddle bitch, relationship? Who knows? I'm not even sure I care. I'm just going to enjoy being enjoyed for now...

I didn't get any sleep either! So here I am at work, still a little high from last night. Feels good now, but I'm going to drop from exhaustion in 3...2...1...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........................

*OK, Sinner. Cue the text message, girl! 'Cause I know you want more details...

Addition...

2009-07-21T17:06:00.003-04:00

What's up, Sinner?!

Sinner is a member of my Crazy Bitches that I've just recently told about Oreo Land. Oh, there are many stories to tell about this sexy bitch, but I'll get into those later. In meantime, drink up!

Love you, bitch...