Never, Ever Do This...

Break up with someone via text. It cold. It's evil. And it's inconsiderate.

It doesn't matter that I had excellent reasons to break it off with Eggo. I should have been brave enough to talk it out with him. Telling him via text was cowardly and I'm pretty sure his feelings are hurt. He didn't deserve that and I'm so sorry for it.

My apology out of the way, I'll tell you why I broke it off:

I was alone.

How could I be alone when we lived together and saw each other everyday? Simple. Eggo focused on himself, as well he should. He had a lot of issues to sort out and needed to get them solved. Plus, he worked overnight and slept during the day (badly), which left him groggy and out of it by the time I finally made it home. If he was awake, he watched TV. Sometimes he cooked or did laundry, but whatever he was doing it was mostly for himself. He did walk and feed the dog, though. That can't be discounted. As his girlfriend, I made his problems my problems. Oh no! He needed a place to sleep during the day that wasn't his car. Come stay with me! Don't worry about paying me anything. Just get settled. Uh oh, he needs help finding a job. No problem! I know everybody! He usually helps with food, but he's out of money. Gotcha! I can handle it this week. It got to the point where I was constantly worried about how he was feeling and how he was doing. I wanted to make sure that he was happier than he had been. And he was. At least he told me so.

So I expected to be treated the same. I wanted him to do his best to make my life a little easier. Quid pro quo. And what happened? He started out doing okay but then I started being taken for granted and chastised when I asked for things.

"Could you please walk the dog? I'm a bit tired"
"He doesn't need to go out."
"Yes, he does. That's why he keeps going to the door."
"I'm not going right now. He can wait."

"Hey, could you clean up a bit in the bathroom? The sink is looking really dirty."
"I don't know how to clean."

"Oh, could you wash the dishes tonight instead of waiting until the morning?"
"They'll be fine. Plus, you do it all the time. Why shouldn't I?"

*sigh* These are small, nagging, nitpicky things. Not really a huge deal to me unless I was really tired or PMSing. But they did start to add up. I was getting more and more annoyed that he wasn't trying harder to make my life a bit easier. I was ALREADY paying all the bills. Didn't I deserve a bit more consideration? Apparently not. In short, he was worrying about him and I was worrying about us.

But all of that I could have overlooked as the salt and sugar of a relationship. What really did it for me was how I was feeling. I felt like nothing special. Eggo didn't treat me badly. He was (and still is) a great and very nice guy. He is a great friend and that's exactly how I felt. Like a good friend or roommate. I didn't feel like I was in a loving relationship. I felt like a someone who happened to have a good friend living with them.

I hate to compare men to dogs, but when I walked through the door, Bentley was instantly animated. "Hi, mommy! I missed you! I'm so glad you're here! Come play with me!" That was the best part of my day. Being loved and appreciated just for walking in the door.

I never got that from Eggo. He was tired, remember? He'd worked all night and slept badly during the day. Why would he be bothered to show me some appreciation when he could be sleeping? Or watching TV while lying on the bed. Or playing XBox. Why bother to show me any affection when I should clearly just KNOW how he feels? He tells me he loves me every time I say it first. Why should he have to constantly show it too? That's when I decided to take care of myself and start worrying about my issues instead of focusing in his.

Was that incredibly selfish? Maybe, but I was tired of feeling miserable and insecure. Should I have tried to talk to him about it? *slap forehead* Of course! Why didn't I try that?

Except I did. Numerous times, in fact. And every time I was brushed off or ignored because I was either putting him down or asking too much of him (his words). Or he would just shut down completely and either not listen or he would play the victim. Or he was too tired to talk right now. It was never his fault. I started to get tired of the fucking excuses.

And you know what else? I need sex and physical affection often. Like everyday. Maybe not sex everyday but I like hugs and kisses and hand holding and cuddling and being told that I'm beautiful and special. It helps to confirm that I'm loved and desired. That you find me attractive and appealing. It doesn't even take a lot of effort and these are things that I need, not things that I want.

And so it came down to either continuing to be miserable (and yes, I'd reached the miserable point) or just ending it. I went the selfish route and ended it. Granted, I used a weak catalyst. (He went somewhere without telling me.) But since I'd wanted to break it off for a couple of weeks, that was as good a time as any. I sent a text and threw his stuff in a pile in the front room. Was that cold, bitchy, and unnecessary? Yes, but I did it. No going back now.

Since then, we've only exchanged a few texts. His were angry texts, as they should be. I started out being angry as well, but I really wasn't so I mellowed out a bit. He has every right to be upset. I broke it off and then tossed his stuff out. That wasn't cool at all. I should have attempted to talk to him again. Would it have worked? Probably not, but he was blindsided with what I did.

So here I am trying to see if we can still be friends and he is trying not to be upset or hurt. I'm sitting alone in my house, still missing him a bit but feeling so much better about myself. I'm doubting everything I've done except the fact that it was the right thing to do for myself.

Pajibans! You are completely awesome! I've gotten nothing but amazing support via text, IM, email, phone calls, and Skype. I love you all with that weird love. You know what I'm talkin' about...

And so I'm back to being single again. Hopefully I'll shut the fuck up with the single girl complaints or y'all might want to punch me in the neck.