Coward

I'm a fearful person. I'm always afraid of something or other. When I was younger, I was a bit more fearless. I was the first to volunteer or to jump into something unknown. Alas, now my reckless youth has scarred me. I'm too afraid to jump into something sight unseen. Instead I ruminate for a while before making what I think is an informed decision. Which is my idea of being a responsible adult. Yeah, it sounds boring. And it is. But it's kept me from being completely shattered on numerous occasions.

Then I have my rebellious periods where I just go for things. I follow a gut instinct and take off. Has this gotten me in trouble? Yes, both physically and emotionally. But I'm almost always glad I did it. It makes me feel like that reckless kid again before I conditioned myself to be an adult. The risks, people. It's the risks that make me feel normal again and not some adult clone. When I realized this, I decided to take a few more risks.

Well, this is a backfired one.

This weekend I took a HUGE emotional risk. It was the emotional equivalent of sky diving. What happened? My parachute didn't open and I hit the ground at full speed. I didn't die but I'm in so much pain that I'm almost praying for death. Yeah, it was that bad.

Rejection is a tough thing for me to take. Surprised that an entertainer is still sucker punched by rejection? Me too! I thought that I'd trained myself to deal with it. With auditions and interviews, it is rarely anything personal. It's usually that I'm not the type or my skills don't jibe with what they're looking for. No big deal to me. I can accept that and move on. A personal rejection is a horse of a different color. I take it badly, very badly. Right now I feel worthless and like a complete fool. Apparently, I'm not good enough or because I don't hold certain beliefs or...

Whatever. I could go on all day with the self deprecating thoughts. That fact is I'm hurt. Really hurt. The kind of hurt that keeps you from sleeping and manifests itself into physical pain. Will I get over it? Yes. Can I learn to let it go and not blame the person who caused it? Yes, eventually. But what I need to do is take a friends' advice and worry about me first. Forget about assuaging anyone's guilt or staying quiet to prevent more hurt feelings. Fuck it. I'm in pain. And it's your fault. Don't give me the bullshit that it wasn't rejection. When you say 'no', no matter what the reason, it's rejection. Look it up. Yes, you have your reasons and they're valid but it still hurts. It will be awhile before things go back to normal. Prepare for a long wait.

That's all.