Quick Asshole Update

So Eggo is turning out to be my biggest mistake since Nick the Dick...

I've deleted the comment he sent but in so many words he says he was forced into our relationship, called me crazy several times (which he knows is one of my pet peeves, due to the BPD), told me that all I ever did was mother him and tell him what to do (and that he hated it), and that I was never a good friend to him (apparently that honor goes to the two guys he bitched about non-stop). Oh, and he also said that I shouldn't have told him that I enjoyed sex with him (and bragged about it to friends) if I really didn't. Oh, and also that I practically begged him to get back with me (yeah, THAT happened...idiot).

Hmmm...rather than tackle these issues individually (like I really, REALLY want to), I'm simply going to say that I never claimed to be perfect in the relationship. I have many, many faults and living with someone in close quarters brings them out. So, yes, I did things in the relationship that weren't too cool. It's fine. I've acknowledged that (several times in fact), have come to terms with it, and forgiven myself.

Feel better now, Eggo? Does it make you feel better that I acknowledge my faults? Like I fucking care, you goddamn loser. What did I tell you? Engrave this in your shitty memory: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME. So stop contacting me with your opinions and conjectures. I've blocked you from every source possible and yet you still find a way to talk to me. Obsessed much? I doubt it so cut this shit out. If I was nothing but annoying to you it should be easy for you.

I could spend this entire blog talking about your shortcomings but I won't, even though the immature teenager inside of me is egging me on. This blog is about me not you. It's about the things you did to me and how I felt about them. It's about my reaction to the things you did to hurt my feelings. If you need to absolve yourself of any guilt by putting the blame solely on me, have at it. I couldn't care less. I choose not to do that. I know my shortcomings and I don't put the blame on others or make excuses for them. I am who I am and I love that about me. And that's why I'm a fully self functioning grownup and not a whiny child who doesn't take care of their own responsibilities and who relies on blaming others to put themselves in the right.

You obviously still care (at least a little) because you keep coming back here. How about you just stay away from now on and continue living that sad little existence you call a life? (Dammit, that immature teenager is coming out!)

In short, do us both a favor and fade from my existence. Feel free to talk all the shit you want. Degrade me, put me down, and make up whatever lies you want*. I'll be over here, living a wonderful life and not giving you a second fucking thought.

To my Pajibans and other friends, this will be the last post ever about Eggo. I was going to delete him from my blog as easily as I'll do from my life, but I'll need this reminder for the next time. I should actually LISTEN TO MY FRIENDS when they give me advice and that I shouldn't 'force' someone to date me. Ha! That shit was the funniest part! Forced...like I would actually have to do that. I'm a pretty (but kind of flawed) hot chick with mental issues! Hell, I'm surprised they aren't beating my door down! Hahahaha...

Ciao for now, my lovelies! Maybe my next blog will be the adventures I've been having with Miss (not so) Blonde Savant! Ooooh, do we have stories to tell!


*Bear in mind that I work for a law firm so I have connections to those well versed in slander and harassment so watch your fucking step, fuckmunch. Your best bet? Just fucking forget about me.

Staying Classy

Now that I'm 30, I've been trying to act more like an adult instead of a ragey, angsty teenager.

Fuck that.

I know how to behave in certain situations (thanks to 6 years of etiquette school). Plus, I'm a Southern girl so the niceness and polite ways go straight to the bone. But when a situation pops up that completely blindsides me, I tend to revert to that potty mouth virago that I loved and cherished in my early to mid 20s. I loved that girl! She was silly, smart, funny, crazy, and above all, she always spoke her mind. People knew EXACTLY where they stood with her, whether they were offended or not. I've managed to continue keeping people in the know about my feelings but I've learned to be less offensive.

Not anymore.

I'm going to be offensive, classless, tasteless, and evil. I need to prepare you so that there won't be any surprises as you read (and I know you eventually will). This post is for me to air out my grievances and to work on forgetting the awful things I've endured. It is also to let my friends know what is going on with me. They genuinely care about me so I can tell them these things. If you are offended or feel bad about anything that is said, just know that you will never be as hurt as what you've done to me. You don't deserve my graciousness or mercy. So suck it up and take your medicine.

Eggo is a lying, deceitful piece of shit. He tried to booty call me (after never seeming to want to have sex with me when we were together) and when I shut him down, he came up with a cock-and-bullshit story about 'testing' me. To make sure I was over him and to make sure I would remain faithful to the new guy I was dating. So either he thinks I'm an idiot and a whore (to fall for the idiotic story) or he thinks that he, a 23-year-old homeless loser with zero prospects (not even a high school diploma), should be telling me how to act and live my life. I don't know which one is worse.

The bullshit first story calls to the fact that I was humiliated during our relationship because I had a boyfriend who didn't want me sexually. I fell for his bullshit lies of being too depressed or too tired to have sex. All the time Deistbrawler and Tracer Bullet were telling me that he was full of shit, I ignored them and stood by my man. No more. To top it off? The sex? Wasn't so great. Zero foreplay and after a few minutes it was over. The actual good parts were completely overshadowed by the fact that I got the sex so infrequently.

The second bullshit option is to consider that he actually planned out this stupid ploy. "Hmmmm...let's see if Trouble will fall for me booty calling her. If she goes for it, then she's clearly not over me nor will she be faithful to dating other people." Really, asshole? REALLY?!?! Because that right there is the most moronic fucking thing I've ever heard. You got shut the fuck down and THIS is how you try to recover? Even if it is true, did you really think that this would endear me to you somehow? How could your tiny brain even think up this idiotic plan and think that it would be okay? I know that you aren't very smart and that you're clearly an idiot, but this? Even a retarded 3 year old would see the idiocies in this moronic plan. And to tell me that you did this on purpose and I should be grateful was what catapulted you into complete thunderdouche category.

And did I mention the timing? You just happened to do this shit right after I had a date. You even called and asked me about it so that you knew it went well. You even asked if I'd had sex with him (which was weird and NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS) Jealous much, you fuckmunch?

No matter why you did it, no matter what asinine reason you'll puke out to justify it, that shit was fucked up and wrong. I didn't deserve it. What I deserved was to be treated like a human being, not a whore or a pawn in your stupid mind games. I have been nothing but nice to you. I've continued to help you in the wake of our break up and I've bent over backwards to keep our friendship going. That shit is now over. I'm done with you. I'm writing you off as I've never done anyone before. You've insulted me in every way possible and I have no use for you ever again. As a Christian, I was taught to forgive and forget. One day, I will forgive you but I will never forget how I felt when your true nature came out. I felt tricked and betrayed. We will never be friends again. Ever...

I won't say that I hope you die because even I'm not that cruel and evil. It will be as though you never existed. After I'm over this I will no longer speak of you. You will be erased from my mind as a person forever. So I hope this shit you pulled was worth it. You've just lost the best friend you've ever had.

You never deserved me anyway, you sad, pathetic piece of shit...

Never, Ever Do This...

Break up with someone via text. It cold. It's evil. And it's inconsiderate.

It doesn't matter that I had excellent reasons to break it off with Eggo. I should have been brave enough to talk it out with him. Telling him via text was cowardly and I'm pretty sure his feelings are hurt. He didn't deserve that and I'm so sorry for it.

My apology out of the way, I'll tell you why I broke it off:

I was alone.

How could I be alone when we lived together and saw each other everyday? Simple. Eggo focused on himself, as well he should. He had a lot of issues to sort out and needed to get them solved. Plus, he worked overnight and slept during the day (badly), which left him groggy and out of it by the time I finally made it home. If he was awake, he watched TV. Sometimes he cooked or did laundry, but whatever he was doing it was mostly for himself. He did walk and feed the dog, though. That can't be discounted. As his girlfriend, I made his problems my problems. Oh no! He needed a place to sleep during the day that wasn't his car. Come stay with me! Don't worry about paying me anything. Just get settled. Uh oh, he needs help finding a job. No problem! I know everybody! He usually helps with food, but he's out of money. Gotcha! I can handle it this week. It got to the point where I was constantly worried about how he was feeling and how he was doing. I wanted to make sure that he was happier than he had been. And he was. At least he told me so.

So I expected to be treated the same. I wanted him to do his best to make my life a little easier. Quid pro quo. And what happened? He started out doing okay but then I started being taken for granted and chastised when I asked for things.

"Could you please walk the dog? I'm a bit tired"
"He doesn't need to go out."
"Yes, he does. That's why he keeps going to the door."
"I'm not going right now. He can wait."

"Hey, could you clean up a bit in the bathroom? The sink is looking really dirty."
"I don't know how to clean."

"Oh, could you wash the dishes tonight instead of waiting until the morning?"
"They'll be fine. Plus, you do it all the time. Why shouldn't I?"

*sigh* These are small, nagging, nitpicky things. Not really a huge deal to me unless I was really tired or PMSing. But they did start to add up. I was getting more and more annoyed that he wasn't trying harder to make my life a bit easier. I was ALREADY paying all the bills. Didn't I deserve a bit more consideration? Apparently not. In short, he was worrying about him and I was worrying about us.

But all of that I could have overlooked as the salt and sugar of a relationship. What really did it for me was how I was feeling. I felt like nothing special. Eggo didn't treat me badly. He was (and still is) a great and very nice guy. He is a great friend and that's exactly how I felt. Like a good friend or roommate. I didn't feel like I was in a loving relationship. I felt like a someone who happened to have a good friend living with them.

I hate to compare men to dogs, but when I walked through the door, Bentley was instantly animated. "Hi, mommy! I missed you! I'm so glad you're here! Come play with me!" That was the best part of my day. Being loved and appreciated just for walking in the door.

I never got that from Eggo. He was tired, remember? He'd worked all night and slept badly during the day. Why would he be bothered to show me some appreciation when he could be sleeping? Or watching TV while lying on the bed. Or playing XBox. Why bother to show me any affection when I should clearly just KNOW how he feels? He tells me he loves me every time I say it first. Why should he have to constantly show it too? That's when I decided to take care of myself and start worrying about my issues instead of focusing in his.

Was that incredibly selfish? Maybe, but I was tired of feeling miserable and insecure. Should I have tried to talk to him about it? *slap forehead* Of course! Why didn't I try that?

Except I did. Numerous times, in fact. And every time I was brushed off or ignored because I was either putting him down or asking too much of him (his words). Or he would just shut down completely and either not listen or he would play the victim. Or he was too tired to talk right now. It was never his fault. I started to get tired of the fucking excuses.

And you know what else? I need sex and physical affection often. Like everyday. Maybe not sex everyday but I like hugs and kisses and hand holding and cuddling and being told that I'm beautiful and special. It helps to confirm that I'm loved and desired. That you find me attractive and appealing. It doesn't even take a lot of effort and these are things that I need, not things that I want.

And so it came down to either continuing to be miserable (and yes, I'd reached the miserable point) or just ending it. I went the selfish route and ended it. Granted, I used a weak catalyst. (He went somewhere without telling me.) But since I'd wanted to break it off for a couple of weeks, that was as good a time as any. I sent a text and threw his stuff in a pile in the front room. Was that cold, bitchy, and unnecessary? Yes, but I did it. No going back now.

Since then, we've only exchanged a few texts. His were angry texts, as they should be. I started out being angry as well, but I really wasn't so I mellowed out a bit. He has every right to be upset. I broke it off and then tossed his stuff out. That wasn't cool at all. I should have attempted to talk to him again. Would it have worked? Probably not, but he was blindsided with what I did.

So here I am trying to see if we can still be friends and he is trying not to be upset or hurt. I'm sitting alone in my house, still missing him a bit but feeling so much better about myself. I'm doubting everything I've done except the fact that it was the right thing to do for myself.

Pajibans! You are completely awesome! I've gotten nothing but amazing support via text, IM, email, phone calls, and Skype. I love you all with that weird love. You know what I'm talkin' about...

And so I'm back to being single again. Hopefully I'll shut the fuck up with the single girl complaints or y'all might want to punch me in the neck.

A Little Ball Of Hate

That's exactly what I am. Except I'm not so little anymore...

My 30th birthday was a hit, but immediately on its heels was a full blown depressive slide. And to make matters worse, I'm not turning my feelings inward. Oh no. I'm exploding with rage toward anything that happens to be in my path; behaving like a surly teenager. And I'm fully aware that I may be irrational or unreasonable but my crazy brain will NOT allow me to act like a normal decent person. The normal Trouble is stuck in there somewhere, watching in horror, as my crazy bipolar counterpart attempts to destroy everything in its path. I'm trapped beneath this broken system of overstimulated emotional synapses and chemical imbalances. I fully expect to emerge from this slide without several friends, without a job (the one that I actually like), my dog will probably start to shun me, and Eggo will be gone (he is in no way equipped to handle me right now as I just keep harping on him in every way imaginable). I'm cringing just imagining half of the things that have happened or are going to happen. I just want to lock myself away for a week or so to keep from hurting myself and everyone around me. Alas, the bills need to be paid so I'm thrust out into the world, an emotional behemoth, and everyone will have to just duck, cover, and hope for the best.

So to my FB cronies, I apologize in advance for being an emo bitch. And to my RL friends, please bear with me. I'm hoping the meds will kick in soon (a week?). And please God (PLEASE GOD), let Eggo stick around! He doesn't deserve half of the crap I've heaped on him and he deserves NONE of the crap that maybe to come.

As much as I loathe myself in this state, I was actually getting very happy in the life I was living. Yes, there was the occasional bit of unpleasantness but I was coasting through pretty well. Now, I just want to bury myself in my bed and never come up for air. The death and suicide dreams are back whenever the insomnia allows me to sleep. My motivation for any and everything is gone. *sigh* Here's hoping this one will be brief.



***Written by the prisoner Trouble in a brief flash of normalcy during the day

Terrorist

Once again, Facebook has decided to deny me access to my account. *sigh* Last time, they said I had hateful rhetoric (it turns out someone tattled because I used a few too many 'fucks'). After a few days of review, I got it back. No big deal.

Now I absolutely have no access due to some faulty bullshit that has nothing to do with me or what I write. Also, I don't know when I'll be able to access it again.

Stupid technology.

So, I've been silenced. And due to my extreme laziness, I'm not going to create a new account until I just can't take it anymore. In the meantime, have extra fun for me and spread the word. I still love you guys but FB hates me. Myspace, anyone? Nah...

Changes

Random things. Here we go:

• The boob is fine. Whew! Apparently, my boob tissue was just a bit built up and the caffeine was making it weird. I'm fine and the lump is slowly going away now that I've stopped drinking Cafe Bustelo (oh how I miss you...).
• I've had to discover a kinder, more gentle Trouble. That self centered bitchy thing that I've been rocking for the past few years? Not conducive to a healthy relationship, apparently. Now I have to be considerate and actually think about the things that come out of my mouth before I say them. Yeah, it's a process. Eggo is being remarkably patient but I know I frustrate the hell out of him. And I hurt his feelings sometimes (completely unintentional), so I'm trying to do better.
• Eggo is pretty much living with me now, so that means the cooking, cleaning, clothes and everything else has been doubled. For awhile I was doing it all. Oh no no no. That shit was NOT going to fly with me working two jobs. Eggo finally started jumping in and he even came up with a few ways to make it better and more efficient. Teamwork, bitches, is a marvelous thing. Now if I could only get him to clean up his fucking food and dishes RIGHT AFTER HE USES THEM instead of leaving it out for hours (I know you're reading this and I know that there is a glass sitting next to you on the table. PUT IT IN THE DISHWASHER, PUNK!). Ahem...
• I discovered why I stopped going to my parents' church. Those judgemental harpies cannot keep their supposedly holy pieholes shut. They did nothing but talk trash the entire day I spent with them. Now I'm no saint. I'm a sinner, everyday. Do I try to represent Christ all the time? Nope. Should I? Probably, yes. But at least I'm not a hypocrite. Nor am I two faced. I know that the second I walked away from a conversation, those old bitches could not keep my name out of their mouths. Actually, that's not true since those cows couldn't even remember my name (even though I grew up with them). Whatever. Also, I'm a failure to them. Why? Because I'm almost 30 and I'm not married and I don't have kids. I'm actually really proud of that. I chose to get an education and travel instead. That mean nothing to them because it's beyond their comprehension. As I was talking about the places I've been, one twat (this was the same bitch who said that black women belong with black men so she was clearly not intelligent) actually said, "You think that being as old as you are and without a husband or kids is something to be proud of? It's not!" When I recovered from the shock of her ridiculous statement, I let her have it. Being that these hens were so gossipy, I knew that she'd been a married man's mistress and dropped out of college. Once she was pregnant by him, she forced him into a divorce and married him herself, but not before he sent her to the hospital with a few bruises. Yeah...she's the one I should be taking life advice from. Did I mention that she was my adopted sister? I had no problem with telling EXACTLY what I knew about her and that I thought the way I decided to live my life was far better than the situation she was in. Jealous hag. Whatever.
• I actually spent the entire weekend with the family and the main thing I heard was how much weight I'd gained. Not a congrats on holding down so many jobs to attend school or pride in the fact that I'm rocking a 4.0 or how awesome it is starting up the after school ballroom program. Nope! Just that it's a shame that I let myself get so big. *sigh* Luckily, I'd already ascertained this and I've started a slightly vigorous training session. Six days a week, I wake up at 5 am to run a mile and a half and swim 10 laps. I'll increase as I go. Plus, once the ballroom program starts that will add on to my cardio and strength training 5 days a week. I'm hoping to drop 40 pounds by January, but since I'm pretty happy with my body and I just want to get in shape, I won't kill myself if I don't.
• Eggo has been great. We still bicker and there are fights but lately I've been noticing him making changes or trying harder to make me happy. Which then makes me want to do the same thing. This whole thing has been doubly difficult for us because we started living together so soon and we're both REALLY stubborn and set in our ways. This is taking time. A lot of time but at no point do I ever think about giving up and just being done with it. I either just decide to suck it up or to make a change on my end. Usually, he will listen and try to adjust accordingly, but when he doesn't I just deal with it. Why? Because I love him. And he loves me, even though it's really hard for him to show it sometimes, I don't doubt it when he tells me that. It's pretty awesome, y'all. And the sex? Still SO good. Be jealous...
• Work is work and it pays the bills. There have been a lot of drastic changes plus added responsibilities but no raises or extra pay. Stupid economy. But this job not only allows me to go to school and work in the after school dance program but they also give me kick ass benefits. So, even though I'll bitch and moan sometimes, I'm gonna stick around for a while. It's could be so much worse...
• I'll be 30 in less than a month. God help me. There are so many things I'd thought I'd have accomplished by now, but I confess to being waylaid by impulsive decisions at times. No real regrets, though. I've had an amazing decade filled with all the fun things a fabulous girl in her 20s could dream of: traveling all over the world, school, fun, booze, gorgeous men, fantastic friends, and lots of craziness that can only be excused by youth. Every gal should be so lucky! I'm hoping that my 30s will be a continuation of all of that, but with a lot of wisdom thrown in there. Here's to my last few weeks of my 20s! I rocked this decade!

That's all for now, mein liebchens. More later...

Yeah...

I should have taken today off. Here are the things that are running through my mind right now:

• I've got the ultrasound today. Yes, I'm freaking out just a bit even though I'll probably be fine. Also, I wasn't allowed to put on perfume, lotion, or deodorant today so I'm worried that I'm stinky. No hugs today.
• I'm freakin' starving but I didn't bring lunch because I overslept BIG TIME. (I blame it on this amazing dream I was having. Mmmmm...)
• I'm worried that I have some intolerant friends. They are INSISTING that a mosque not be built near the WTC site. I don't see the problem. They are saying that because the people who destroyed the towers are Muslims, Muslims shouldn't be allowed to build anything there. (I had this same discussion with Eggo's brother.) That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard but I was willing to hear them out. They didn't say anything that changed my mind. And the worst part? One of these people is my best friend, Sinner. I can't believe that she's like that. It sickens me a bit. I mean, I still love her but I'm completely blown away by her ridiculous intolerant stance.
• I'm worried about Eggo. He's coming up on a few difficult decisions that he has to make on his own. I REALLY want to help but he needs to sink or swim. Plus, he's really resenting his family for trying to run his life, so I'm trying (TRYING) not to do that.
• I feel like I losing my grip on things. Times, dates, and other daily fixtures in my life are just flying by without my recognition of them. Maybe it's because I have so much to get done now or that being an adult is more difficult than I ever anticipated. I don't know.
• I'll be 30 in a month. This milestone doesn't scare me but I am a little anxious about the upcoming changes I KNOW I'll have to adjust to. What will be different? Will I lose all sense of who I was and the things I fought for in my 20s? What the hell DID I fight for? Do I now have to become a normal functioning adult? I DEFINITELY don't think I want to do that.
• Money. I'm slowly going broke. There are many reasons why but the fact remains that I'm about to be in very dire straits. One serious illness or emergency could completely bankrupt me. I'm balancing on a very thin wire even now. Not exactly how I saw my 30s beginning.

All of this and much more is buzzing around in my head. I may possibly be going insane but hopefully it's just another phase and I'll be out of it soon.

Blathering over...

Bail Money

Please have some ready because I'm positive that I will kill someone today.

I walk into work 15 minutes early and I'm immediately accosted by 17 different things. I set my bags down and start getting things sorted. Right away, my boss lady comes to have a "little chat" with me.

BL: Yesterday an expert called and asked for the number to (former employee)'s new job and you told him you could give him any information.

T: Actually, I told him that I didn't have any information. I only have the name of his new job.

BL: But you also have the number.

T: No, I don't. When I asked you for the contact information yesterday, you said that you didn't have it either.

BL: No, you specifically asked for the DID number. And I don't have that.

T: I don't even know what a DID number is, so I DID NOT ask you for that. I asked for ANY contact info since I receive all of the requests.

BL: Why didn't you use the number (employee) emailed to you?

T: Because (employee) never emailed me a number. THAT'S why I asked you for info.

BL: NO! You asked for DID numbers...

Really, lady?! That's how you want to come at me first thing in the morning BEFORE I've clocked in? Fine. Don't be surprised when I'm less than chipper doing a job that you're claiming I dropped the ball on, when it was you who failed to provide me with the tools I need. (I didn't ask her for DID numbers, btw. I asked several people for any new forwarding number before I went to her and they've agreed to back me up.)

Next up: I burned my asiago, turkey and Swiss bagel sandwich. Totally my fault but three people sat in the lounge WATCHING IT BURN and did nothing. And then they sat there and complained about the smell. Seriously, geniuses?!?!

And finally, this angry bitter little anti-social man whom no one likes started on my case this morning about his fucking coffee. I don't make coffee for employees. I'm not a fucking secretary. But I do set up the conference rooms for guests. Out of the kindness of my heart, I set them up a bit early so that he can get some of the coffee that I make. And what does this shithead do? He comes in, takes the coffee away from the maker (and creating a huge mess that I have to clean up), and then complains that the carafe isn't working. YES, MOTHERFUCKER IT IS. IT'S A GODDAMN STRAW SO YOU'LL HAVE TO PUMP IT A FEW TIMES TO GET THE COFFEE UP IT. Of course the second I go to test it, it works fine. What a goddamn moron.

Only a half hour into my day and I'm already fed up. When you see my on the news because I've burned down this building with everyone in it, send me brownies, cookies, cakes, etc. Because that shit is awesome in prison.

This is especially awful because yesterday was so great. After a normal stressful Monday, I went home to a sparkling clean tub, a happy and well fed puppy, and a great dinner. Eggo has been nothing but great. Too bad my work life is shitty today...

Heavily Medicated

Actually, I'm sedated.

Why? Because at my doctor appointment today, she found a lump in my right boob. A big one. I freaked out and had to be calmed down with meds (imagine a wild hippo being tranq'ed).

Mammogram and ultrasound next week.

If you read this, please pray to whatever God you subscribe to that it's benign and that I'll be okay. Just as a precaution, although I'm probably being a bit melodramatic (as I am wont to do).

Off The Market

So I have a boyfriend.

Yeah...

And it promises to be one of the difficult relationships I will ever have. We are NOTHING alike and we fight constantly. We are from completely different backgrounds and we are both beyond stubborn. We irritate and frustrate each other and there are times where I really think I'm going to kill him. DO YOU HEAR ME?!? I WILL KILL YOU!!! (Yes, he reads this blog.)

So why am I with him? Because he makes me laugh like a 5 year old. He's sweet, kind, considerate, and chivalrous. He thinks of me before he thinks of himself. He demands as much of me as I do of him. He calls me on my bullshit ALL THE TIME. He's unpredictable and unnervingly observant when it comes to how I'm feeling. He has a sweet smile and an innocent heart. He's adorable and surprisingly smart. He thinks I'm beautiful. And also, he's fucking amazing in bed.

So here is to my new boyfriend, Eggo (named by Val). May our fights be in jest and my rage stay at bay so I don't kill you. Also, may the sex stay spectacular! (Yes, I'm still worn out from yesterday...)

Coward

I'm a fearful person. I'm always afraid of something or other. When I was younger, I was a bit more fearless. I was the first to volunteer or to jump into something unknown. Alas, now my reckless youth has scarred me. I'm too afraid to jump into something sight unseen. Instead I ruminate for a while before making what I think is an informed decision. Which is my idea of being a responsible adult. Yeah, it sounds boring. And it is. But it's kept me from being completely shattered on numerous occasions.

Then I have my rebellious periods where I just go for things. I follow a gut instinct and take off. Has this gotten me in trouble? Yes, both physically and emotionally. But I'm almost always glad I did it. It makes me feel like that reckless kid again before I conditioned myself to be an adult. The risks, people. It's the risks that make me feel normal again and not some adult clone. When I realized this, I decided to take a few more risks.

Well, this is a backfired one.

This weekend I took a HUGE emotional risk. It was the emotional equivalent of sky diving. What happened? My parachute didn't open and I hit the ground at full speed. I didn't die but I'm in so much pain that I'm almost praying for death. Yeah, it was that bad.

Rejection is a tough thing for me to take. Surprised that an entertainer is still sucker punched by rejection? Me too! I thought that I'd trained myself to deal with it. With auditions and interviews, it is rarely anything personal. It's usually that I'm not the type or my skills don't jibe with what they're looking for. No big deal to me. I can accept that and move on. A personal rejection is a horse of a different color. I take it badly, very badly. Right now I feel worthless and like a complete fool. Apparently, I'm not good enough or because I don't hold certain beliefs or...

Whatever. I could go on all day with the self deprecating thoughts. That fact is I'm hurt. Really hurt. The kind of hurt that keeps you from sleeping and manifests itself into physical pain. Will I get over it? Yes. Can I learn to let it go and not blame the person who caused it? Yes, eventually. But what I need to do is take a friends' advice and worry about me first. Forget about assuaging anyone's guilt or staying quiet to prevent more hurt feelings. Fuck it. I'm in pain. And it's your fault. Don't give me the bullshit that it wasn't rejection. When you say 'no', no matter what the reason, it's rejection. Look it up. Yes, you have your reasons and they're valid but it still hurts. It will be awhile before things go back to normal. Prepare for a long wait.

That's all.

Needy, Bitchy, Hormonal, and Moody

And I can't blame it on BPD (even though I REALLY want to!)...

*Boys: This might get squicky! There will be talk of girly stuff. And by that, I mean periods. You've been warned...

You know what really sucks? Being kind of a medical freak. I have a host of crazy things going on in this awesome body of mine. You already know about the BPD. Up next: Crohn's disease! Yup! I contracted that from being anorexic/bulimic for too long in college (stupid dance professors!). I'm in remission, but everyone in a while I get flare ups. Not. Fun. Next? That would be being legally blind in one eye. Hmmm...what else? Oh yeah! I have the worst lady parts stuff. My period comes on every 21 days. Without fail. Unless I go crazy with the meds (frequently) and then it comes on whenever it damn well pleases. For example: This weekend after only two weeks of reprieve. And EVERY GODDAMN TIME it hurts so bad, I'd strangle a boyscout to get some Demoral to KILL THE PAIN (seriously, I have to go to the ER for a shot sometimes). Also, massive flow (sorry boys! I did warn you...) to the point where I feel like I should be sitting in a menstrual pit. It's gross, even for me.

I've listed these things to say that the human body is completely fucked up and yet still kinda awesome. I can go through this shit and my heart continues to beat. My lungs continue to take in and expel air. My mind continues to function and think up insult for the random passerby who offends me with their fashion sense or their horrible BO. I've also listed them so that I can no longer use them as excuses. I'm really bad at using random medical maladies as excuses for my awful behavior. Of course there are some things that are legitimately caused by these but not nearly as many as I blame.

I said all that to say this:

I spent the entire weekend with Mohawk at my condo this weekend. We did nothing but eat, watch, TV, stay in bed, bicker, and fight. Usually, I love this kind of thing. But I apparently have a mean and hurtful streak that kept zinging him the whole weekend. Ooops. My first reaction was to blame my period but then I'd forgotten to tell him that it came on (I'm pretty sure he suspected though since I didn't jump him for sex the whole two days). So I just blamed it on my own frustrations. But I kept doing it! Little zingers that I know hurt his feelings (btw, he did it to me a couple of times too). So now I feel awful. I always thought that I wouldn't hurt anyone that I actually cared about. I really wish I could blame it on something that isn't in my control, like the medical stuff. The fact remains that I hurt his feelings for no reason. I'm a schmuck.

So I'm sorry, Mohawk. I didn't mean to be so snarky. I'm sure you're completely over it, but I feel like stir fried shit.

**I am NOT sorry about what happened with the colander! It sucks that you got burned but next time PUT THE DAMN THING DOWN when I tell you to! And don't tell me to pour hot water correctly. Who the fuck holds a colander when someone else is pouring in it? Really...

This Is What Happens...

...when I get REALLY bored at work.

I started re-designing and now EVERYTHING is purple! Don't like it? What the fuck do I care?

THIS IS MY HOUSE, BITCHEZ!!!

Sorry about that. I'm super bored...

Rambling On...

Yes, I can be an asshole sometimes. Sorry, Mohawk!

I did something that I really regret. I lied and Mohawk was a tiny bit hurt in the process. And now I feel like stir fried shit for hurting him even a little. He's teasing me to make me feel worse (as a joke) but it's actually working. It makes me wonder a bit. What exactly are my feelings for him? I've been pretty content with where we are but I think I may have been projecting certain significant other duties on him. I'm sure it stems from the fact that we've been sleeping together for about 6 months now. Is that too long to carry on a FWB deal? I've casually dated other guys (and I think he's dating too; or at least interested in dating other girls) but I do find myself comparing and contrasting these dates to him. Hmmm...interesting thoughts. I may need to ruminate a bit further.

Guess what?! Mohawk has a blog now! It's called Regret Nothing. Feel free to read, follow, and mock him. No over the top teasing, though. That's my job.

So the date last night? It went well. JT was actually sweet, but very timid and soft spoken. I had to keep telling him to speak up! He was a bit boring and kind of rambling. But the food was groovy and I had a good time over all. To be honest, it wasn't a date. It was more like two new friends meeting up for the first time. So I've got a new friend now. Sweet...

Oh, and that whole 100 questions thing was supposedly a joke of some sort. He tried to explain it to me but I didn't get it. Meh blah whatever...

I hit my 200 post mark a couple of posts ago! Hooray! I need to step up on the posting. I've had this blog for almost two years now...

I'm sure I'll think of more to say later...

Manic

The meds are finally settling in after a few out-of-control days. And the stupid thing? I didn't cut out the caffeine, so I've been exhibiting actual manic traits. Example: Hooking up with a hot guy at work. Literally, at work in the parking garage. He's a friend and we get on very well but that was risky and stupid. Also, I dragged cute delivery guy in the stairwell to make out (not on the same day). Add in the glass throwing, the insomnia, the practically kicking my friends out, and the random FB chat sex (sort of) and you have a classic case of manic behavior. My hypomanic states are apparently severely affected by caffeine, so that may be an addiction I'll need to learn to control.

Luckily, I feel a bit more normal today and I can actually get things done. Like organising finances and cleaning the house. Also, Bentley hasn't suffered a bit from all the extra energy I've had lately. He's all over the place with the extra love and attention. In fact, I've been wearing him out! Poor thing...

The online dating thing? It's...going. I have another date tonight. It should be interesting seeing as how this guy is bit...well, let's just say interesting. He is the complete opposite of the type of guy I usually attract and am interested in getting to know. And thanks to a couple of Pajibans (Lwae and Peanuts), I've discovered that he may, in fact, be a douche. I guess I'm blind to douche like behavior when I'm trying to keep an open mind. But what gave me pause was when this guy asked me to come up with 100 questions to ask him. He would be doing the same. WTF? When I asked why, he says that it will be something like an interview. Yeah, that sounds fun. This is his way of filtering out the bullshit and making sure I'm not lying or anything. Yeeeeeah...

Needless to say, I'm not really looking forward to it. But it will be nice to meet someone new and to shake off a few inhibitions today. Plus, it could be a really great story to tell. So, I'll try to be more enthusiastic.

What I really want to do? Go home, cook something awesome, curl up with Bentley and Mohawk* and watch a movie. Sad, but true...

I'll let you guys know what happens...

* Yes, Mohawk is still just a friend but sometimes I like having him around. It sucks that he lives far away now. Before, I used to call him and he'd be over in 10 minutes. Plus, he always eats what I cook even when I think it sucks and he's always down to watch a movie...

Why I'm A Bitch

*sigh*

Back at the beginning of March, I went to Bike Week in Daytona with a very good friend of mine named Goose*. I also got to meet the amazing Stardust from Pajiba on that trip. We had a blast! Rocking out to some excellent bands, people watching (holy crap, that was the best part!), and drinking.

One of the bands, Hypersona, was particularly good and we stayed and listened and danced a bit longer. I noticed the roadie/merch guy was staring at Goose. When I alerted her to him, she glanced over at him. He beckoned her over...and that was how they got together.

Of course I was sceptical at first but he turned out to be sweet and very into her. I thought he just wanted to get in her pants and wouldn't call her after that first night but he turned out to be a pretty decent guy. She fell for him pretty quickly and he reciprocated. It all sounds so nice and sweet, right?

Not quite.

As it turns out, he was a bit of a loser. He's 36, unemployed (except for a few random gigs with the band and pick up work at a mechanic friends' shop), he doesn't have a car (or even a license!), and he was being kicked out of his friends' parents' house where he'd been living for free. Yeah, this is the guy she fell for. When she told me that the only place he had to go was his friends' garage (the mechanic garage, not a house garage), I offered my tiny little condo (the front room) rent free for a month so they could pull some money together.

Now Goose is a GREAT friend. If she told me the sky was purple, I'd believe her. That's the only reason I offered. If she trusted this guy then I would too. He wasn't stranger to me. And I firmly stated that it would ONLY be a month, no longer. I did have a few weird rules (no using the only bathroom, located in my room, after 10 pm), but he was fine with it.

And so a month went by. I actually enjoyed having them there (she stayed often). They cooked, bought food, brought movies over, cleaned, etc. It was crowded but okay. Mohawk came up on weekends and then it was REALLY crowded, but we all soldiered through.

Toward the end of the month, I started to get a bit concerned. I hadn't seen him trying to get a job. He and Goose were constantly having big blow ups. Somehow, he kept buying 6 and 12-packs of beer and drinking it in one or two nights and just lounging around (although he was apparently working at his friends' garage during the day). He was there when I left and there when I got home. It bothered me because I could never just relax at my house but since his time was almost up I let it go. I decided to get a puppy! But I wanted to wait until they were out of the house. They'd found a place and were waiting until the previous people moved out. Awesome. I made plans to pick up Bentley (the new puppy) the day they were out of there.

The day before the puppy pick-up, they let me know that the people who were supposed to be moving out were dragging their feet. Um...okay. I didn't want to be a bitch so I told them that they could stay a few extra days but that Bentley was coming anyway.

The day after I got my puppy, the awful news came that the place had fallen through. They now had no place to move into but they reassured me that they were on the lookout for a new place ASAP. I tried to be okay with this but I was fed up at this point. I'd already agreed to let them stay a bit longer, so what could I do? At this point, their stuff has completely taken over. Then they bought a futon (they were tired of sleeping on the floor) and that took up the entire space of the front room. Thinking that they would only be here for a few more days, I agreed to this too.

Then a combination of my period and a rise hit me. I became super bitch and I barely tolerated anything. The only thing that escaped my scorn was Bentley, who is so awesome and fun. I warned Goose that things were going to get rocky and unpleasant since I'd never had to deal with an overcrowded house and a new puppy to train along with everything else. She claimed to understand. Until my rage made me completely unable to stand him being there. I just stopped talking to him completely because I absolutely could not talk to him without being an utter cunt. So I just ignored him completely, said nothing, and basically made him feel like shit for being in my house. I couldn't help it. Every time I saw his ass just sitting there drinking beer and watching TV, I just got more and more pissed off. 'Why aren't you looking for more work besides the garage?', "Why are you content with letting your girlfriend pay for everything for you?', 'Why are you spending what little money you make on beer?', "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE?'

Finally I couldn't take it any longer (it had only been a week). I asked Goose when she thought they would be able to get a new place. She gave me the sob story of not having enough for a deposit on any place until she started work next week and got paid. I told her that I didn't think I could let them stay that long. I was getting to the point where I was completely uncomfortable in my house and I did not like that. She got the hint and said that they would be out the next day. But this was a guilt trip and it worked. I felt like such a bitch for doing this. For the first time in quite a while, I'm putting my own (and Bentleys') needs in front of someone else. It's a good thing for me but it makes me feel awful for doing it. Granted, these are grown people (he's 36 and she's 38) and I shouldn't feel responsible for them. But I do, just a bit.

So that (along with many other reasons!) is why I'm a bitch. I just kicked my friends' boyfriend (and her) out of my house. For no other reason than the fact that I wanted my own space back. It may sound like a normal thing to do, but I feel awful for essentially making them homeless.

On the other hand, Bentley will be THRILLED to have more space all to himself...

* We call her Goose because she has a distinctive honking laugh. It's really hilarious. In fact I didn't even know her real name for years...

Shock and Pain

I saw a ghost from my past today. I swore it was him. I just knew it. He had the same smile, the same hair, the same height, even the same silly walk. I glimpsed him out of the corner of my eye and my entire body responded. I felt my heart speed up. My legs cramped with the desire to jump up and run over to him and shout "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?! I FUCKING MISSED YOU!!!!" I even felt the tears well up in my eyes because it's been over five years and the sight of him still causes me to react. I stood up and straining my eyes, my heart, and my mind, praying that it really was him. Please God. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...

It was a stranger.

As he got closer, he had a harsh dissonant laugh and a conceited arrogant air. He didn't even have the accent that would have flowed from his mouth so smooth and familiar, but foreign. He was just another yuppie douchebag that I see everyday downtown. But for a few fleeting seconds, he was Michael.

It's been five years. Five years and I thought I was over this phase of wishing that it was all the worst nightmare imaginable. Nope. I'm holding on to my childish game of 'Just Pretend'.

Time heals all wounds? Bullshit. It just calcifies your heart until there is nothing left to heal. I'm not making any sense, I know.

Just know this: The pain never goes away. Never.

BIG Steps

Today I am actually making HUGE steps toward moving out west. I'm contacting an employment agency. Granted, it's the same agency that found my current law firm gig. Yeah...

I'm absolutely positive that I don't want to stay on as an assistant/receptionist/office drone any longer, but since it seems to be something I'm actually good at doing, I can use it to get my start out there. I'm going out there with a LOT fewer connections than I have here in Orlando, so (for now) anything will be good. Plus, it will give me to time to explore and find out what I want to do with my life in general.

I've also started researching schools and their programs out there. I'm thinking that I don't want to teach in the school systems out there (since Cali is more bankrupt than Florida at this point), but maybe teaching at the community college level or finding another after school program to instruct would work better for me.

Possibilities, possibilities...

Yes, I could have the exact same opportunities here (definitely more so!), but as I'm about to hit my 30s (four months!) I realize that I do want to try a different city and I do want to see if I can make it elsewhere. I'm not 100% sold on the idea but it is very appealing right now. Bonus: since my family lives here, I can always come back if needed.

The thing is I have to at least give this a shot. I have to at least TRY to give this an honest shot. If things don't work out, if nothing seems to be pointing me in the direction of San Diego, if it seems wrong and not a good fit for me, then I can always halt the plans and proceedings. Or if I've gone too far, I can always come back to Orlando. I just don't want to get to the point where I will loathe coming back here.

Keep in mind: this isn't a fresh start. It's just a new chapter. As I've said in previous posts, I'm not completely unhappy with my life here. Actually, I have a pretty good life here. I just want to try something new and I think this could work for me.

Wish me prayers, good thought, happy vibes (or whatever your bag may be)! I'm going to give it a shot...

A Bit Of Advice

I need to quit the telemarketing dance gig. How do I do it?

Here is some background:

I started working for this ballroom company back in 2007. It was a lot of fun but ultimately doomed for me since I was supposed to sell, sell, sell and all I really wanted to do was to dance and teach. In any event, the manager was pretty great (although she could be a passive aggressive bitch sometimes) and I left on good terms. A couple of years later, I was asked to come back to teach ballroom to kids in schools. I happily agreed and LOVED IT (still do!). Then, when the studio hired a new marketing director, they needed someone to make the marketing calls that she drummed up. They asked me and I agreed. But I guess I didn't read the fine print. At first I just called back the people who had inquired about the dance school. That only lasted a week. What they really wanted me to do was make cold calls. Cold calls are where I call up random people from the phone book and try to get them to come in and take dance classes. Yeah...no. On the first day, I was hung up on, cursed out, and I called someone who had only one leg. Not fun. This really is not my thing, no matter how much they pay me (about $200/wk for 15 hours of work).

Today, I have a final so I was able to get out of working, but it is my intent to NEVER go back. How can I extricate myself from this job (right away) without ruining my relationship with the owners? I would like to keep teaching kids, but I don't really want to do much work in the studio. Should I try to find someone to take my place? Should I keep giving excuses? Or should I just tell them the truth: that I really don't think that the job is for me?

Any advice?

Life As I Know It

...is a bit miserable. And it's not because of a slide.

When I came back from San Diego, I chalked it up to the vacation blues. Or to jet lag. Or to the finals that I hadn't really studied for thinking that I would get exemptions (not realizing that there are NO exemptions for grad school). So I tamped down on it and continued on with my life.

But now I've been back for several days and the feeling hasn't waned, not even a little bit. In fact, it's gotten a bit worse. I feel so completely and utterly miserable that I dread waking up in the morning. My life has become one long, boring mockery of what I used to have nightmares about. How is it that I'm really good at things I care NOTHING about? And these things, these jobs, have become the way I make a living! I'm a receptionist/gopher at a law firm and a telemarketer for a dance studio. These two jobs give me lots of money and absolutely nothing else, except boredom and misery. THIS is how I'm going to spend my life? Trudging through my days and wishing for something, anything else? Trying to convince myself that this is enough? I even had the thought (briefly) that if I had a boyfriend, things would be different! AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

The problem is this: I've glimpsed outside my sad little box. When I went to San Diego, I saw what could be a better life for myself. I dreamed of possibilities and of ways to enrich and fulfill my life. I felt...hope. Real hope for the first time in what seemed like ages. I had dreams, visions, and I could see myself in the future. And it was good...

Then I came back to my tofu life here. Don't get me wrong; there are so many lovely bright spots in my life. The problem is that they are few and far between. My daily life consists of so much crap that it's becoming unbearable. But how dare I complain? I actually have jobs. I'm able to pay my bills and I'm not wanting for anything! I feel ungrateful for wanting more out of life. Especially when I have so many friends who are just looking for anything to get their bills paid.

Conflicted is the word du jour. Shall I stay in my sad little depressing (yet comfortable) box and learn to deal with the despair or should I take a risk and try to find some actual happiness (not comfortable at all)? This may seem like an easy choice for some of you, but I'm actually struggling with it. I've made many (MANY) risky choices in my life and a lot of them have backfired horribly. So I'm trying to decide if this dull life can be tolerated or if I'm ready to take another risk.

*sigh*